1. Quotes
"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction." --- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it, but few have seen it La Rochefoucauld
"When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.“ --- George Bernard Shaw

2. Thought Frequency As Pie Charts
The relationship
The relationship
Men
Women
Sports
Sex
Sex
Pets
Men thrashing
Going bald
Food
Things we shouldn’t have eaten
Aging
Career
Having to pee
Strange ear & nose hair growth
Aging

3. Alvy's Voice Over: I thought of that old joke, you know, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." And, the doctor says, "why don't you turn him in?" And the guy says, “I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and...But, I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.
--- ANNIE HALL

4. Cecilia: i just met a wonderful new man
Cecilia: i just met a wonderful new man. Sure, he's fictional but you can't have everything The Purple Rose of Cairo
Ike: Well, I'm old-fashioned. I don't believe in extramarital relationships. I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics Manhattan
Cliff: Wendy and I finally decided to call it quits, you know, and even though the last couple of years have been terrible, this kind of thing makes me feel sad, you know, I don't know why.
Babs: But you know what you told me? You told me it's been platonic for a year. And I say, once the sex goes, it all goes.
---Crimes and Misdemeanors

5. Arthur: I had dropped out of law school when i met eve
Arthur: I had dropped out of law school when i met eve. She was very beautiful. Very pale and cool in her black dress...With never anything more than a single strand of pearls. And distant. Always poised and distant.
By the time the girls were born ... It was all so perfect, so ordered. Looking back, of course, it was rigid. The truth is. .. She'd created a world around us that we existed in where everything had its place, where there was always a kind of harmony. Oh, great dignity. I will say ... It was like an ice palace.
Then suddenly, one day, out of nowhere ... An enormous abyss opened up beneath our feet. And I was staring into a face I didn't recognize.
---Interiors

6. Early Attraction Factors
Proximity (physical distance, repeated exposure)
Anxiety Affiliation Link (Dr. Zilstein study)
General Emotional Arousal Attraction Link

7. Results of Schachter’s “Dr. Zilstein study”
Nonanxious subjects
Anxious subjects
Schachter (1959) manipulated the anxiety levels of female subjects by having them anticipate either painful or innocuous shock. The dependent variable was subjects’ choice to wait with others or to wait alone. 20 18 16 14 12 10 8 6 4 2 20 18 16 14 12 10 8 6 4 2
# of Subjects
The results indicated that anxious subjects chose to wait with others more than non-anxious subjects.
Also, a follow-up study found that anxious people preferred to wait with other anxious people rather than those who were not anxious
Choose to wait alone
Choose to wait
with others

8. Attitude similarity and attraction
Attraction toward other person (range = 2-14)
Byrne and Nelson (1965) asked to rate how much they liked a stranger after learning he agreed with varying proportions of their attitudes expressed on a questionnaire. (Higher numbers indication greater liking.)
13.00
12.00
11.00
10.00
9.00
8.00
7.00
6.00
As the graph shows, the greater the proportion of attitudes subjects shared with the stranger, the more subjects liked him
Proportion of similar attitudes held by other person

9. Why such a powerful effect of similarity?
A) Cognitive Consistency
(We like ourselves, therefore we like those who are like us)
B) Social Comparison (validation of one's beliefs)
C) Anticipate/Predict other's behavior (e.G., Likes/dislikes,
interests)
D) They will like us also (reciprocal)

10. Application of Similarity Theory
Key Dimensions Used by eHarmony [
Stated goal: “eHarmony … creates compatible matches based on 29 dimensions scientifically proven to predict happier, healthier relationships”
Core Traits ---
Social Style (Character, Kindness, Dominance, Sociability, Autonomy, Adaptability): How do you relate to other people? Do you crave company, or prefer to be alone? Are you more comfortable leading, or do you prefer to go along with the group?
Cognitive Mode (Intellect, Curiosity, Humor, Artistic Passion) How do you think about the world around you? Are you motivated by an insatiable curiosity about the world and events around you? Are you constantly looking for intellectual challenges? Do you find humor to be your favorite coping strategy when dealing with the world?
Physicality (Energy – Physical, Passion – Sexual, Vitality & Security, Industry, Appearance). How do you relate physically with the world? How do you relate physically with yourself? Are you energetic, athletic and constantly in motion? Or are you more comfortable and happy walking than running?

11. Application of Similarity Theory (cont.)
From eHarmony
Relationship Skills (Communication Style, Emotion Management – Anger, Emotion Management – Mood, Conflict Resolution) The amount of effort and skill that you devote to making a relationship work are key elements of who you are, and what type of person you are most likely to succeed with in a relationship
Values and Beliefs (Spirituality, Family Goals, Traditionalism, Ambition, Altruism). Values and Beliefs are at the center of most of our life experiences. How we feel about spirituality, religion, family and even politics for a enormous part of how we think about the world, and who we are going to be most comfortable sharing our lives with.
Key Experiences (Family Background, Family Status, Education) All of your life experiences combine to affect who you are and how you relate to the world. Although many of the effects of these experiences are represented by the other Core Traits and Learned Attributes, the following components of the 29 Dimensions are considered separately as part of your Key Experiences in your compatibility profile

12. Repulsion Hypothesis “Lab” studies Avg. attraction score
Basic premise: Differences are disliked; perceived as threatening
“Lab” studies Avg. attraction score
Similar attitudes
No information regarding attitudes
Dissimilar attitudes (less attraction)
No difference
Iowa Caucus Study (Democratic)
Description of person
Democrat
No difference
No party affiliation
Republican
Disliked

13. Reject those who are dissimilar
D S S D S
D S S D D
D D D S S D
D D S D D D
S D D S D
Reject those who are dissimilar
S S S S
S S S S
End result is that we are left with similar people to interact with

14. The motivational value of dissimilarity is various other theories in social psychology:
Balance Theory Imbalance is motivating
Congruity Theory Incongruity is motivating
Dissonance Theory Dissonance is motivating
Equity Theory Inequity is motivating
Naturally discovering similarity/dissimilarity (rather than being given other’s attitudes is quite different
Active search process

15. Misattribution of Emotional Arousal
The “Bridge” Study
Misattribution of Emotional Arousal
Tilted, swayed (6 ft.), wobbled
Low handrails (3 feet)
230 foot drop to rocks and rapids

16. Misattribution of Emotional Arousal
versus

17. Misattribution of Emotional Arousal (cont.)
Measures: 1) TAT (men wrote stories) scored for sexual content
2) % of men who called female back
Higher TAT sexual content scores scores and greater percent called back when on the dangerous bridge
Why??? --- Arousal (anxiety) misattributed as partly due to sexual attraction

18. Eating Lightly and Self-Presentation
Basic Premise: People are motivated to behave in ways to enhance their image
Females have greater number of eating disorders and dieting than males (emphasis on thin as attractive)
“Undesirable” Male
Equal intake of candy by males and females
“Desirable” Male
Females ate significantly less food when interacting with a desirable male

19. Amount of attitude conformity
Self-Presentation Through Ingratiation 5 4 3 2 1
3.7
Undesirable man
Desirable man

20. Conversation Style and Relationship Type
Intimate Friend (versus Casual Friend)
Voice Quality
Trait Ratings
Feminine
Babylike
High pitch
Relaxed
Pleasant
Submissive
Scatterbrained
Approachable
Sincere
Much better than chance identification of who was being spoken to, a casual versus intimate friend.
No difference in what was said (transcript analysis). Focus on how things were said, paralinguistic cues.

21. Physical Attractiveness Couple is equal in physical attraction
Advantages:
Greater overall liking (best predictor of desire to date)
More desirable character traits (e.g., sensitive, warm, intelligent)
Higher income
Higher evaluation of work performance
More lenient treatment in the legal system
Better mental health
Matching
Often different in physical attraction
Short
Length of relationship
Couple is equal in physical attraction
Long

22. Female’s attractiveness
Romantically linked
Impression of man
Strangers
7.5
7.0
6.5
6.0
5.5
5.0
7.1
6.1
5.9
5.5
Low
High
Female’s attractiveness

24. Attractiveness as a Business
In 2002, 6.9 million spent on cosmetic surgical and non-surgical procedures in the U.S. --- a 22% increase from 1997 (American Society for Plastic Surgery, 2003)
Most common procedure (Botox injections) was performed 1.6 million times in 2002
Across the world, the cosmetic industry makes 20 billion/year
Nearly 1 million adults wear braces (mostly to improves smiles)
35 billion is spent on weight loss programs, diet foods, and health club membership per year in the U.S.

25. Misattributions of Friendly Behavior
Routine Conversation
Female
Viewed female as promiscuous; were attracted to the female; saw themselves as flirtatious and seductive
Male
Female
Observers
Viewed males as behaving in a sexual manner; females as promiscuous
Male
Sexual
lens
Interaction

26. The life cycle of a relationship
Communication/
consolidation
Relationship
continues
The life cycle of a relationship
Buildup
Deterioration
and decline
Attraction
Ending
Important variables influencing attraction
Triggering factors: Proximity, Similarity, Erotic love etc…
Social-exchange and equity: Communication, Self-disclosure, Communal concern, External supports
Social-exchange and equity/inequity: Relative attractiveness of alternatives, Barriers to dissolution
Low: Relationship in stable state
High: Upset of deterioration and trauma of disruption
High: Heady feeling of romantic love
Emotion

27. Social Equity Theory Loss of freedom, $, time, etc. Costs (Inputs)
Benefits (Outputs)
Companionship, sexual fulfillment, etc.
Comparison Level (e.g., a standard)
Other person in a relationship, yourself in the past, an ideal
Comparison Level for Alternatives
Evaluation of the value of other partners

28. Gender and the Personal Columns
Males
Females
Offer
Seek
Offer
Seek
Money
Job information
Personality traits (e.g., sincerity)
Money
Status
Career
Young
Physically attractive
Physical attractiveness

29. Relationship Breakups U. S. Divorce Rates per 1,000 population
1990
2000
2004
4.7
4.2
3.7
U.S. totals for the number of divorces is an estimate which includes states not reporting (California, Colorado, Indiana, and Louisiana).
Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Statistical Abstract of the United States: 2006.
Who identifies more problems?
Who initiates most breakups?
When are the partners most likely to remain friends, when the male of female initiates the breakup?

30. Relationship-Enhancing Attribution Distress-Maintaining Attribution
Relationship-Enhancing and Distress-Maintaining Attributions
Relationship-Enhancing Attribution
Distress-Maintaining Attribution
Positive Event
My partner takes me out to an expensive dinner
My partner is sweet and thoughtful
My partner took me out to write the cost off on taxes
Internal, stable,
global
External, unstable,
specific
Negative Event
Something unexpected must have come up
My partner is always uncaring and selfish
My partner forgot my birthday
External, unstable,
specific
Internal, stable,
global

31. Separate constructs or along a continuum?
Liking
Love
Separate constructs or along a continuum?
Liking
Loving

32. Sample Liking Scale Items
When I am with _____, we are almost always in the same mood.
I think that _____ is unusually well-adjusted.
I would highly recommend _____ for a responsible job.
In my opinion, _____ is an exceptionally mature person.
I have great confidence in _____’s good judgment.
I think that _____ is someone one of those people who quickly win your respect.
_____ is one of the most likeable people I know.
_____ is the sort of person whom I myself would like to be.
I would vote for _____ in a class or group election.

33. Sample Love Scale Items
I would do anything for _____.
I feel responsible for _____’s well being.
I feel very possessive toward _____.
If I could never be with _____, I would feel miserable.
If I were lonely, my first thought would be to seek _____ out.
I would forgive _____ for practically anything.
In would greatly enjoy being confided in by _____.
When I am with _____, I spend a good deal of my time just looking at him/her.
I would be hard for me to get along without _____.

34. Liking & Loving for Dating Partners and Same-Sex Friends
Index Women Men
Love for Partner
Liking for Partner
Love for Friend
Liking for Friend

35. Interpersonal Relationship --- Newer Approaches
Individual subjective reactions to cues in an interaction
Active search/detection process for cues
Relationships
Timing and sequencing of cues (e.g., baking a cake example)

36. Interpersonal Relationship --- Newer Approaches (cont.)
Future possibilities
Strategies
Thoughts about interpersonal interactions
Evaluation of interaction as good, average, poor
Who is told? When they are told?
What is said? Why they are told?
Narratives/stories about relationships
Difference in perceptions; memory for facts

37. Intimacy 5.5 5.0 4.5 4.0 3.5 3.0 Intimacy rating 5.3 4.5 4.4 3.5 2 men
(best friends)
2 women
best friends)
Man & woman
(platonic)
Man & woman
(romantic)

38. Marriage, Health and Longevity
Health & Longevity
Happily married
High
Unhappily married
Unmarried
Low
Men
Women

39. Any (all) the eligible men
Playing Hard To Get
Liking for woman
9.5
9.0
8.5
8.0
7.5
9.4
8.6
8.4
7.9
No one
Only the participant
Any (all) the eligible men
Control
Woman’s Interest

40. Gender Differences in Mate Preferences
Men
% Monet spent
% Monet spent
Women 40 30 20 10 40 30 20 10
High Budget
Low Budget
Physical attractiveness
Social status
Physical attractiveness
Social status

41. Gender Differences in Sexual Behavior
% “yes”
Females
100 90 80 70 60 50 40 30 20 10
Males
Go to apartment
Sexual invitation
Go on a date

42. Love marriages Arranged marriages 90 80 70 60 50 40 0-1 1-2 2-5 5-10
“No man or woman really knows what love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.” --- Mark Twain
Love marriages
Arranged marriages 90 80 70 60 50 40
0-1
1-2
2-5
5-10
10+
Years of marriage

43. Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
Intimacy
Liking
Consummate
Companionate
Romantic
(Intimacy & Commitment)
(Intimacy & Passion)
Passion
Fatuous
Commitment
(Passion & Commitment)
Infatuate
Empty

44. Sample Question Based on Sternberg’s Triangular Love Theory
˜ Intimacy Component ˜
I am actively supportive of _____'s wellbeing.____
I have a warm relationship with _____.
I am able to count on _____ in times of need.
˜ Passion Component ˜
Just seeing ________ excites me.
I find myself thinking about _____ frequently during the day.____
My relationship with ___________ is very romantic.
˜ Commitment Component ˜
I know that I care about _____.
I am committed to maintaining my relationship with _____.
Because of my commitment to ________, I would not let other people come between us.

45. Sternberg’s 8 Components of Love
Intimacy
Passion
Commitment
Non-Love x
Liking 
Infatuated
Empty
Romantic
Companionate
Fatuous
Consummate

46. Sternberg’s Love Story Approach*
[Based on past experience and personality]
Business Story partners in a business endeavor, power issues
Collector Story --- Impossible for any one individual to fill all
one’s love needs; find combination of other people to meet all
needs
Fairytale Story --- Idealized story, unrealistic (e.g., prince and
princess)
War Story --- Love as war, combatants, winner and loser
* Approximately 24 different love stories are included in the model

47. Sample Items --- Adult Attachment Scale*
I find it difficult to allow myself to depend on others [Trust]
I often wonder that my partner does not really love me [Anxiety]
I am nervous when anyone gets too close [Closeness]
I know that others will be there when I need them [Trust]
I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like [Anxiety]
I am comfortable having others depend on me [Closeness]
* Source: Collins & Reid (1990)

48. Relationship Conflict --- Some Issues
Jealousy ---
Men Sexual infidelity (60%)
Women Emotional infidelity (83%)
Communication ---
Demand-withdraw interaction pattern (Females wish to discuss problems, men avoid/withdraw from such discussions)
Sex
Children
Money
Different expectations

49. Relationship Closeness
Self
Other
Self
Other
Self
Other
Self
Other
Self
Other
Self
Other