1. Interpersonal Communication: Everyday Encounters Chapter 9
Managing Conflict in Relationships

2. Interpersonal Conflict exists when people who depend on each other express different views, interests or goals that they perceive as incompatible or opposed. It is Expressed Disagreement.
With all that drinking, I’m surprised you even noticed!!
I was really hurt by your behavior.

3. Overt conflict is out in the open & explicit.
Principal #1: Conflict is natural in relationships
Conflict is a normal, inevitable part of most interpersonal relationships.
Principal #2: Conflict may be overt or covert
Overt conflict is out in the open & explicit.
Covert conflict is expressed indirectly.
Principal #3: Social Groups shape the meaning of conflict behaviors
Cultural upbringing, gender and race dictate reactions to conflict.

4. Principal #4: Conflict can be managed well or poorly
Using “I” language and monitoring the self-serving bias will help when faced with conflict.
Principal #5: Conflict can be good for individuals and relationships
When managed properly, positive and affirmative conflict provides opportunities to grow, learn and strengthen relationships.

5. Orientations to Conflict
Lose – Lose: assumes all conflict is inevitably negative, unhealthy and destructive to relationships. Conflict is avoided at all costs and is constricting.
Win – Lose: assumes conflict is a battle where only one can be victorious. Effective with a low commitment and little desire to care for the relationship.
Win – Win: assumes conflict presents an opportunity to resolve difference where everyone can be victorious. All participants are committed to their own and the other’s satisfaction.

6. Responses to Conflict
The Exit Response: is a refusal to talk about problems It tends to be destructive because it doesn’t address problems. It is associates with Lose-Lose and Win-Lose.
The Neglect Response: is an avoidance or neglecting of problems. It is generally destructive as well because it doesn’t resolve tension. It is also associated with Lose- Lose and Win-Lose.
The Loyalty Response: is a decision to tolerate the differences in a conflict. It tends to be constructive, at least for the short run, because it preserves the relationship. It is associated with Lose-Lose.
The Voice Response: is an identification of problems and involves a desire to deal with them. It is generally the most constructive method of resolving conflict because it implies a shared value in the relationship and a desire to preserve it. It is associated with Win-Win.

7. Unproductive Conflict Communication
Early Stages: fail to confirm individuals People tend to listen poorly and may communicate disdain non-verbally. Cross-complaining often occurs while dual perspective is low and defensiveness is high.
Middle Stages: are stoked by additional unconstructive communication, such as, “kitchen- sinking” or the hauling out a laundry list of old gripes. Oftentimes this disrupts the flow and effectiveness of the discussion. Cross complaining continues.
Later Stages: degrade into counterproposals where the participants push their own solutions rather than considering the other’s perspective Egocentric discourse ensues and participants are often embroiled in metacommunication and lose sight of the original issue.

8. Constructive Conflict Communication
Early Stages: confirms individuals by establishing a good climate through listening, recognizing and acknowledging each other’s concerns & feelings Openness clears the way for effective discussion of how to increase closeness. Participants work together to solve a problem.
Middle Stages: dig deeper into issues through “Agenda Building” while staying focused on the main conflict. When side issues surface, participants use “Bracketing” where they mutually decide to cover the side matter at a later time Acknowledgement takes place of cross complaining.
Later Stages: resolve the tension while operating collaboratively. Participants engage in “Contracting” where they build a solution through negotiation and acceptance of parts of the proposals.

9. Conflict Management Skills 1 - 4
Attending to a Relationship Level of Meaning: focus on the content level of meaning to deal with the issue or problem and the relationship level of meaning to consistently communicate respect and attentiveness to the relationship.
Communicate Supportively: monitor communication to ensure it encourages a supportive climate while being descriptive, provisional, spontaneous, problem oriented, empathetic and egalitarian.
Listen Mindfully: to consider the other person’s ideas or criticisms. Show respect by paying attention and seeking to understand to open the door to a conversation.
Take Responsibility: for your thoughts, feelings and issues “I” language is a cornerstone to owning your perspective and seeking a mutual Win-Win resolution. Use statements showing ownership like “I feel angry when you are late” instead of “your lateness makes me angry”.

10. Conflict Management Skills 5 - 8
Check Perceptions: to avoid distortion by paraphrasing what was heard. Ask direct questions, being careful to avoid communication that fosters defensiveness. This is particularly important with online communications.
Look for Points of Agreement: in search for a common ground, likely on other matters related to the conflict Doing so shows each participant cares about the other and respects their feelings.
Look for Ways to Preserve the Other’s Face: to help avoid embarrassment or shame to ensure no one participant feels defeated or stupid. Be gracious to ensure the safety of dignity and face.
Imagine How you’ll Feel in the Future: before saying a thing Think about how you will feel tomorrow, next week or next year if the original reaction were to be expressed This will help the communication to remain ethical while fostering self-respect and supporting the continuation of the relationship.

11. Guidelines for Effective Communication during Conflict 1-3
Focus on the Overall Communication System: as communication is systemic. It occurs in context and is composed of many interacting parts. Empower conflict management skills to resolve issues.
Time Conflict Purposefully: at a time when both people will be fully psychologically present to foster a good climate of listening and thoughtful responses. Generally not advisable to engage in conflict in the heat of anger.
Aim for a Win-Win: by entering a conflict with the assumption that you, the other person and the relationship can all benefit from the conflict. Identify your feelings, needs and desires in clear language and ascertain these same things from the other individual. Listen mindfully and use language that promotes cooperation. Continually remind yourself that win- win solutions are most likely when both people balance concern for themselves and concern for each other.

12. Guidelines for Effective Communication during Conflict 4 - 5
Honor Yourself, Your Partner and the Relationship: as constructive conflict communication is impossible if you disregard or demean the other person’s needs and feelings or disregard your own needs and feelings. Express feelings and needs clearly. Focus on constructive forms of communication
Show “Grace” When Appropriate: to grant forgiveness or put aside your own needs when there is no standard that says you should or must do so. “Grace” is not forgiving when we should, but rather, it is unearned and unrequired kindness. This involves letting go of anger, blame and judgments about what has transpired. It is given without strings, not to make a friend feel grateful or indebted. No One is Perfect! We All Make Mistakes and Wound Others! But Being Gracious Allows the Richest and Most Enduring Relationships to Grow!

13. How would you handle this situation?
Activity Time!!!!
You put a can of soda in the refrigerator at work and it disappears. Later you discover who stole it.
How would you handle this situation?