1. DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE AND SITUATIONS

2. Dealing with Difficult People

3. Have you met this person?

4. True or False: Most people don’t consider themselves difficult.

5. What’s the point?
These people are everywhere; you cannot avoid them entirely.
Unfortunately, they often hold positions of power.
Give them the chance, and they will make you miserable.
You can’t change them, but you can change the way you react to them.
Changing how you react to these people will improve the quality of your life.

6. Objectives Today's Training Objectives:
Identify common behaviours difficult people exhibit
Describe feelings these behaviours often elicit in others
Specify behaviours these feelings typically elicit, and
Discuss practical ways for minimising the disruptive impact these people have on your life.
What are your personal objectives for attending this workshop? Discuss with the person sat next to you.
For most of us, less than 50% of our time is actually spent writing.
Other time is spent solving problems, gathering information, attending meetings, working with teams of cross-functional associates. Inevitably, we encounter conflict, sometimes with people who we find difficult to work with.
To get our jobs done effectively, we need to be able to work with difficult people.

7. What are the factors that make people difficult?

8. Difficult People Take 5 minutes in your groups to brainstorm 1 or 2 examples in each of these categories:

9. What makes people difficult?
Someone wants something you can’t give them
Someone wants something you won’t give them
Someone refuses to listen

10. What makes people difficult?
4. Someone makes threats; is disruptive & abusive
5. Someone violates rules or commits an illegal act
6. Someone takes a problem to the wrong individual

11. Typical Behaviours that difficult people exhibit?
They are insensitive and demanding.
They are aggressive and hostile.
They are vulgar and insulting.
They are hateful, arrogant and demeaning.
They are rude and uncivilised.
They are unresponsive and irresponsible.
They are dishonest and conniving.
They are uncooperative.
They are sensitive, suspicious and intent on blaming someone else.
They are stupid and ignorant and blissfully unaware of it.

12. Confronted with such behaviour, how do we sometimes feel?
Angry
Resentful
Helpless
Hopeless
Worthless
Frightened
Intimidated
Annoyed
Revengeful
Overwhelmed
Hostile
Inferior
Threatened
Hurt
Insulted
Frustrated
Used
Hateful
Etc.

13. How might these feelings incline us to behave?
Withdraw
Nag
Argue
Give up
Explain
Talk behind others’ backs
Ruminate
Gossip
Try harder to please
Plot revenge
And so on

14. How do you define conflict?
What words come to your mind when you hear the word conflict?
unavoidable challenging
directly flexible
inevitable human politics
necessary
frustrated uncomfortable
stressful friction tired
distracting obstacle
unfortunate
Point out that most words are negative which is universal; however, conflict does not have to be all bad

15. What is conflict?
When two or more people do not share the same beliefs, interests, or goals
Conflict is natural and inevitable
Conflict is uncomfortable and stressful
The goal of conflict resolution is not to eliminate conflict (or the other person) but to handle it constructively
conflict often comes with change; how well we mange our conflict determines how well we adapt to change
eliminating conflict too quickly can drive the conflict underground
goal is to capture the power of the ideas that drive the conflict
Quality of decisions is higher when there is open opposition and resistance by subordinates
Positive conflict resolution requires a feeling of interdependence
Real stability and strength may result only when conflict is permitted and even encouraged

16. Why are people difficult?
Feeling thwarted or threatened
Exceptional levels of stress
Your reactions to their difficult behaviour which reinforces the behaviour by increasing the stress they already feel
Learned behaviour (getting their way)
Inflexibility (on both sides)

17. What can you do about it? You can’t change other people
Learn to appreciate and draw upon the different strengths of difficult people
Focus on coping with difficult behaviour (adapting to other communication styles)
change your attitude about the difficult person
change your behaviour

18. What are some effective behavioural strategies for dealing with difficult people?
Label them.*
Neutralise them.*
Understand them.
Accept them.
Inform them.
Involve them.
Ignore them.
Convert them.
Avoid them.
Expose them.
Circumvent them.
Use them.
Persuade them.
Confront them.*
Rehabilitate them.
Discourage them.
Ridicule them.
Isolate them.
Punish them.
Fire them.

19. Label them. Why should I? How can I? Acknowledges they are different
Recognises their need to be “managed,” not befriended
Initiates the management process
Minimises your unrealistic expectations
Reminds you to become emotionally detached
Signals need to reach for suitable tools
Legitimises others’ perceptions
Forces you to take personal responsibility
How can I?
Remain sensitive to your own emotional arousal.
Recognise the need to choke off your emotional arousal.
Imagine a sticky note labeled, “A Real Nut” attached to their foreheads.
View them as impaired (they are).
Pity them.
Concentrate on observing their behaviour.
Reflect on why someone might behave so unproductively—as a distraction, not as their therapist.

20. Neutralise them. Why should I?
Removes incendiary behaviour from an emotionally flammable environment
Minimises their desired response—fear and withdrawal
Starves their fire
Limits emotional contagion
Protects more vulnerable personalities
Minimises workplace disruption
Takes initiative away from social miscreant
How can I?
Take notes.
Avoid eye contact.
Act sleepy and bored.
Comment on their emotional arousal.
Ask them why they are repeating themselves.
Ask them what constructive things they have tried.
Ask them what they want you to do.
Warn them, then hang up the phone.

21. Confront them. Why should I? How can I? Challenges others’ tolerance
Worries those who collude with misbehavers
Disrupts usual response patterns
Signals who’s in charge
Provides relief from feelings of helplessness
Gives prior victims hope
Reaffirms your commitment to organisation’s stated values
Encourages others to take the same vigorous action
How can I?
Document their behaviour.
Ignore suspected motives, but record behaviour in descriptive detail.
Focus on patterns instead of isolated occurrences.
Line up witnesses.
Give emotions time to dissipate.
Nail down the support you need.
Confront in love and respect.
Refuse to be distracted.
Attach consequences and describe next steps.
Deliver on your promises.

22. 10 Common Difficult behaviours
Sherman Tanks
Snipers
Exploders
Know-it-all Experts
Think-they-know-it-all
Super-Agreeables
Indecisives
Unresponsives
Negativists
Complainers

23. Sherman Tanks
Attacking, accusing, abusive, abrupt, intimidating, overwhelming, confrontational
Feel strong need to prove that their view of the world is always right
Get irritated or angry if sense resistance
See tasks as clear and concrete
Value assertiveness and confidence
hostile aggressive
stimulated by rage or weakness
impatient if others don’t see “the obvious” immediately
Short-term gains with long-term loses

24. Snipers
Teasing, innuendoes, not-too-subtle digs used to make you look foolish in groups
Hides behind crowds and social constraints
Often very witty
Share Tank’s strong sense of how others should act but is often unrealistic
Can turn into a Tank if exposed
rarely results in action like the tank
response to an unresolved or unheeded problem
often do to bosses because perceive they have power to affect organisation even if untrue

25. Exploders Adult tantrum, rage barely under control
When person feels thwarted and threatened
May cry, be silently enraged, or yell/scream
Anger often moves to suspicion and blaming
Creates highest amount of resentment among others of all behaviours

26. Know-it-all Experts
Highly productive, thorough and accurate thinkers, careful planners
Believe facts and knowledge provide stability; answers lie within themselves
Low tolerance for correction/contradiction
Condescending, don’t wait for others to catch up to their thought process or seek input from others
Bramson calls them bulldozers
feel very in control of their lives

27. Think-they-know-it-alls
Seek the admiration and respect of others by trying to act like experts when they are not
Don’t always know they are not experts
Curious people; like to learn a little about a lot of things
Bramson calls them balloons
not so much to be liked but to be thought well of and seen as a person of importance

28. Super-Agreeables Want to be liked and loved by everyone
Make others feel liked and approved of
Tell you things that are satisfying to hear
Often use humor to ease conversation
Say “Yes” to everything but often don’t deliver because they are over-committed
Can secretly be resentful of doing so much

29. Indecisives
Put off making important decisions because they don’t want to hurt anyone
Have high standards
Strive to help people
Usually stall until the decision is made

30. Unresponsives
Close down, even when asked direct question (answer yes, no, I don’t know)
Clam up when you need a response or expect conversation
Difficult to determine why they are silent

31. Complainers
Find fault with everything, complain constantly, accusatory, prescriptive
Feel someone should be doing something but feel helpless to take action
Have distinct idea of what should be done
Usually is some truth to their complaints
Not same as legitimate complaint or getting something off your chest (they focus on getting something done)
can even turn on boss to make them apologise/sidetrack
their complaining keeps them (in their minds) blameless, innocent, and morally perfect
feel not responsible
place responsibility to fix on others, demonstrate badness of others (implying their goodness)
Includes complainers who gossip about others to you

32. Negativists
Feel defeated and dispirited as though they have little power over their lives
Pessimistic, more bitter than complainers
Bring others down quickly
Say “We’ve tried this before” or “That won’t work” without looking for solutions

33. If civilization is to survive, we must cultivate the science of human relationships--the ability of all people, of all kinds, to live together, in the same world at peace.
--- Franklin D. Roosevelt

34. Acknowledge Positive Intent
FOCUS ON TASKS
Control (to get the job done)
Sherman Tanks, Snipers, Know-it-alls
Perfection (to get it right)
Complainers, Negativists, Unresponsives
positive intent
the more you know about what threatens a person , the more you can learn what threatens him/her (201, Bramson)

35. Acknowledge Positive Intent
FOCUS ON PEOPLE
Approval Seeking (to get along)
Super-agreeables, Indecisives, Negativists
Attention Getting (to get appreciation)
Exploders, Think-they-know-it-alls, Snipers
positive intent
the more you know about what threatens a person , the more you can learn what threatens him/her (201, Bramson)

36. 10 Coping Methods Sherman Tanks Snipers Super-Agreeables Exploders
Know-it-all Experts
Think-they-know-it-all
Super-Agreeables
Indecisives
Unresponsives
Negativists
Complainers

37. Sherman Tanks Get it done Stand up for yourself without fighting
Give them time to run down
Don’t worry about being polite, just get in
Get their attention, carefully
Get them to sit down
Speak from your own point of view
Avoid a head-on fight
Be ready to be friendly
hostile aggressive
stimulated by rage or weakness
impatient if others don’t see “the obvious” immediately
Short-term gains with long-term loses
don’t argue with what the other person says or try to cut him or her down
maintain eye contact
repeat their name to get their attention “you interupted me”

38. Snipers Get it done Get appreciated Surface the attack immediately
Give the sniper an out (ask questions)
Seek group confirmation or denial of the sniper’s criticism
Move on to solve any problems uncovered
rarely results in action like the tank
response to an unreolved or unheeded problem
often do to boses because perceive they have power to affect organisation even if untrue
prevent sniping by setting up regular problem solving meetings
if you’re a third party to the sniping, stay out of the mjiddle of it but insist that it stop in front of you

39. Exploders Get appreciated Give them time to run down
Show that you take them seriously
Interrupt the interaction
Interrupt the interaction (breather or privacy)

40. Know-it-all Experts Get it done Do your homework
Listen and acknowledge
Question firmly, but don’t confront
Ask extensional questions to get details
Acknowledge their competence
Make time for reflection
As last resort, let them be the expert
Bramson calls them bulldozers
feel very in control of their lives

41. Think-they-know-it-alls
Get appreciated
State the facts as an alternative version
Give them a way out
Bramson calls them balloons
not so much to be liked but to be thought well of and seen as a person of importance

42. Super-agreeables Get along Make honestly non-threatening
Be personal - when you can
Listen to their humor
Be prepared to compromise
Get along

43. Indecisives Get along Establish a comfort zone Surface the issues
Help them problem solve (make decision)
Reassure after decision is made
Strengthen the relationship

44. Unresponsives Get it right Ask open-ended questions
Use the friendly, silent stare
Don’t fill the space
Comment on what’s happening
If clam opens up, listen rather than talk
If clam stays closed, terminate meeting and reschedule
don’t try to interpret what silence means, ask questions
if after rescheduling you don’t get anywhere, announce what your assumptions are about lack of response and tell what action you will take

45. Negativists Get it right Avoid getting drawn in
State your own realistic optimism
Don’t argue
Don’t rush into proposing solutions
Set a horror floor
Use comments to make decisions
Be ready to take action on your own

46. Complainers Get it right Listen attentively to their complaints
Acknowledge what they say
Be prepared to interrupt to acknowledge
Don’t agree or apologise
State the facts without comment and apology
Move quickly into problem solving
Not same as legitimate complaint or getting something off your chest (they focus on getting something done)
can even turn on boss to make them apologise/sidetrack
their complaining keeps them (in their minds) blameless, innocent, and morally perfect
feel not responsible
place responsibility to fix on others, demonstrate badness of others (implying their goodness)
Includes complainers who gossip about others to you

47. The person who grabs the cat by the tail learns about 44 percent faster than the one just watching.
--- Mark Twain

48. Acknowledge Positive Intent
Control (to get the job done)
Sherman Tanks, Snipers, Know-it-alls
Perfection (to get it right)
Complainers, Negativists, Unresponsives
Approval Seeking (to get along)
Super-agreeables, Indecisives, Negativists
Attention Getting (to get appreciation)
Exploders, Think-they-know-it-alls, Snipers
positive intent
the more you know about what threatens a person , the more you can learn what threatens him/her (201, Bramson)

49. Basic Strategy (time to think)
Describe the behaviour in detail
Write down your understanding of behaviour
Review your interaction with this person (what worked and didn’t work)
Choose the proper coping behaviour
What do you need to learn and practice
Create an action plan and follow through

50. Basic Strategy (on the spot)
Determine positive intent/valued criteria
Listen (but stop destructive behaviour)
Summarise (length depends on behaviour)
Clarify questions to collect details

51. Basic Strategy (on the spot)
Speak to be heard
State your positive intent
Tell your story from your point of view
Don’t damage the relationship, if possible

52. Conclusion
Coping with difficult people is never easy and hardly ever fun
Getting along with other people, even the difficult ones, is as important a skill for us as good writing and Java scripting

53. Conclusion Practice coping techniques in safe situations
Avoid attributing internal motives to behaviour; assume good intentions
Remember that everybody is somebody’s difficult person at least some of the time

54. Recommended Books
Bramson, Robert M. Coping With Difficult People. Dell Publishing. New York: 1981.
Bolton, Robert and Dorothy Grover Bolton. People Styles at Work. American Management Association. New York: 1996
Brinkman, Rick and Rick Kirschner. Dealing With People You Can’t Stand. R.R. Donnelley & Sons. New York: 1994.

55. Do’s Of Resolving Conflict
Use key communication principles
-Face to Face, Telephone, , Etc.
Be positive and patient
Focus on the problem, NOT the person
Keep an open mind

56. More Do’s Explore all alternatives for resolving the conflict
Try to understand the other person’s point of view
Seek the other person’s ideas
End on a positive note

57. Don’ts Of Resolving Conflict
Pre-judge people
Assume you have all the facts
Focus on the other person’s attitude, personality, or presumed motive
Meet practical needs at the expense of personal needs

58. Don’ts Of Resolving Conflict
React immediately; on emotional high
React - respond
Take it personally
Cut the other person off
Disrespect the other person
Raise your voice

59. Conclusion Maintain or enhance self-esteem
Listen and respond with empathy
Ask for their help
Encourage their involvement
Make it a win/win for both sides