1. Children and Divorce

2. Objectives Telling Your Children Reassuring Self Blame and Fault
Basic Needs
How to live apart with children
Helping Children Communicate
Custody and Visitation
Life After Divorce

3. Telling Your Children Always tell age appropriate truth
Children need to know why
Tell them how it will impact their life
Parents should tell them together
Keep it simple
Slide 1 and 2 will address the beginning of the process – this may already have happened to some.
Children will pick up on the emotions of the parents at the time of this conversation – therefore the when and where is very important.
Neither parent should not be in an elevated emotional state – out of control – that does not mean you cannot show that you are sad but not angry.
Children will remember when their parents told them – so having yourself and your message under control – and if possible both parents should agree what to say and who will say what ( with the understanding that for some, this may not happen, but if the parents are talking they should do it together)

4. Reassuring
Reassure them that you will try to make things as normal for them as possible, but it will be different
Give children opportunity to voice their opinion
Limit reassurances to what you can control
Make sure you let children know you still love them and that has not changed
Kids get to be kids and adults get to be adults but blanket reassurances do not work.
Remember that even long after the divorce decree has been finalized children will remember the words you tell them now going forward.

5. Self blame and fault
Simply telling kids “it was not your fault” will not convince them – they need to talk about it
They need to talk about how they feel
They may have fantasy of their parents getting back together, make sure you address this honestly
A great book for children to read is Dinosaur’s Divorce .
Parents need to acknowledge that fault and blame are difficult issues to confront -- even adults will have trouble with these feelings.
Don’t divorce your children.

6. Basic Needs of the Child
IDEAL WORLD
NON-IDEAL WORLD
Both parents stay involved
Fighting ends
Issues focus on needs of children
Do the best you can
Acknowledge difficulty
Get support
Explain it to your children without putting down the other parent
In the ideal world both parent will work for the best interests of the children, but in a non-ideal situation where one parent has left or refuses to communicate or support or cooperate the other parent must handle these differently.

7. How to live apart with children
My house my rules – your house your rules
Agree on major parenting issues
Do not micromanage or interfere
Learn to let go
Allow children to establish and manage their relationship with each parent separately
You have to get over that when you parent separately you cannot control how the other person parents. You can discuss and agree on major issues such as their education, medical care etc. but you cannot micromanage day to day parenting. Each parent is responsible for making their relationship with their child what it will be. This can be difficult if one parent is used to controlling all aspects of parenting – but once separated or divorced that will change.

8. Helping Children Communicate
Listen, listen, listen
You are not the talker
It is ok to be awkward
Let them struggle and work through it - the process is more important
Let them be honest and express their anger
Don’t stop an urge to cry, let them cry – just be there for them

9. Custody and Visitation
What is in the children’s best interest
Keeping siblings together
What will be the most regular schedule
What can you live with
Equal does not have to be equitable
Be creative
Think to the future
Custody and visitation arrangements made to accommodate the children at the time of the divorce will likely need to change as they get older, as young kids become tweens and tweens become teens.
Be creative with visitation – there are traditional every other weekend, evening dinners etc. But sometimes they are not the only solutions – think about your schedule and how that may change, the other parent and your children, their activities etc.
Be flexible – but try to be consistent. Not going to the other parents should not be an option – you should be firm that both parents need to have personal time.

10. Life After Divorce Accept that life will change
If you are happy your children will be happy
You must work on your happiness
Dating
Health
Finances
Career
Personal growth/volunteerism
Friends and family
Parents need to get excited about the new beginning, this is a chance to start over, to have a new life and children thrive when their parents are happy and give them something to feel positive about.
It is hard and complicated as all things in life are – but living in the past or harboring bad feelings, trying to punish or be vindictive will only be self-destructive.
Living well is the best revenge.