Love and Romantic Relationships

Love and Romantic Relationships
7 Love and Romantic Relationships Laura MacIntyre

Love and Romantic Relationships
The subjects of love and romantic relationships underscore the fact that we are all individuals, but more importantly (at least for sociology), we are social individuals. That is, we are social individuals, always living within a social world that inextricably shapes what goes on around us and within us. And often this occurs in ways we do not recognize. Sociologists are concerned with the dynamics and interactions between the self and society. C. Wright Mills describes this as the interaction between biography and history (Mills, 1959). The subject of love (as both a personal and a social experience and the ways in which those intersect) is a good one to exemplify this interaction.

Scripting Diversity As explained in Chapter 2, family structures have become more diverse over the past century. The formation of couples, relationships, and families have become similarly diverse in form, structure, and development. The development of Individuality and the freedom of choice are now integral features of modern society and also shape the ways in which we think about love and form intimate relationships.

Scripting Diversity: Social Script
Sociologists can use the concept of the script (as a type of metaphor) to explain how individuals interact with one another.

Scripting Diversity: Social Script Definition
A commonly understood pattern of interaction that serves as a model of behavior in familiar situations Through the use of scripts, individuals learn different roles through which they come to know how to interact with others (Simon & Gagnon, 1984). This is related to symbolic interaction theory (from Chapter 1). Symbolic interactionists focus on how people see themselves through the eyes of others. In this respect, social scripts can be reassuring and allow individuals to act on social assumptions. Not every social interaction needs to be completely made up. Individuals can follow a general script, which allows them to orient their behavior and understand the behavior of others. In fact, the absence of social scripts can cause disorientation, discomfort, and (often) overall confusion. There are still social scripts, but they are many and varied, and it is difficult for an individual to know which one to follow exactly. There are four specific developments identified by Cohen that underscore this overall change (to be discussed in the next four slides). The demise of the dating system as the dominant mode of relationship formation The increasing acceptance of living together as a common stage in relationships (also covered in Chapter 8) The incorporation of divorced and older singles (including those with children) into the mix of those looking for a new relationship The continual adaptation of communication technology to relationship dynamics, increasing the immediacy of interaction.

Scripting Diversity: Dating System
The demise of the dating system as the dominant mode of relationship formation Developing a relationship has also become more diverse and individualized. Dating is no longer the dominant mode of relationship formation. Diversity is more common than conformity when it comes to the origins and development of relationships.

Scripting Diversity: Living Together
The demise of the dating system as the dominant mode of relationship formation The increasing acceptance of living together as a common stage in relationships (To be covered more in Chapter 8) Living together (cohabitation) is now a more widely accepted (and occurring) practice. Cohabitation can be a stage in the relationship, and it can also be the arrangement of the relationship for its duration. These new scripts, which involve the possibility of cohabitation as an option, can cause uncertainty and social anxiety.

Scripting Diversity: Divorced and Older Singles
The demise of the dating system as the dominant mode of relationship formation The increasing acceptance of living together as a common stage in relationships The incorporation of divorced and older singles into the mix of those looking for new relationships The inclusion of divorced and older singles (including those with children) looking for a new relationships creates even more variation and diversity in terms of social scripts, assumptions, and expectations.

Scripting Diversity: Communication Technology
The continual adaptation of communication technology to relationship dynamics, increasing the immediacy of the interaction The Internet has changed the social world for many people. It is now possible to meet and communicate with people online, based on very select categories. This has had an impact on dating and relationships.

Love Some scientists believe that the capacity and the need for love is part of an evolution, developed as a survival mechanism. In some regards, caring for others has always been essential for survival and has been an important component of family life for a long time (Chapter 2). But what about love as a social phenomenon?

Love: Definition Love A deep affection and concern for another, with whom one feels a strong emotional bond An initial, general working definition But there are other types and experiences of love.

Love: Romantic Love Romantic Love
The passionate devotion and attraction one person feels for another Romantic love, in its modern form, is a myth. That is, it is an ideal to which no one can ever aspire in reality. Ann Swidler (2001) describes the process through which the modern individual elevate the idea of love to an impossible ideal. She outlines four qualities that comprise the essence of this (unrealistic) ideal. First, love is unambiguous and clear (sometimes backed up by the belief of “love at first sight”). Second, love is unique (sometimes backed up by the belief that an individual is capable of finding “one true love”). Third, individuals must prove or demonstrate love by overcoming obstacles in a type of love “quest” (the romantic stories of Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, etc.). Fourth, love is permanent and eternal. Even though this conception of love is an unattainable ideal, many individuals still use it as a standard through which they judge their own relationships. The modern structure of marriage reinforces this ideal by institutionalizing some of these qualities (explored more in Chapter 8). Romantic love has its own scripts. These scripts, while persisting, are becoming increasingly ambiguous and diverse.

Love: Making It Work Making It Work
Many people regard negotiation and communication as antithetical to romantic love. The ideal is that romantic love should be spontaneous and passionate, not calm and rational. How is it possible to reconcile the ideal of romantic love with the realities of modern intimate relationships? Ann Swidler (2001) also outlines two cultures of love in the United States, which coexist. The first is the culture of romantic love. The second is the culture of utilitarian love.

Love: Utilitarian Love
Making It Work Utilitarian Love The practical, rational dedication of one person to another based on shared understanding and emotional commitment Utilitarian love is practical, rational, and logical. This version or culture of love takes into account a careful consideration of both the positive and negative aspects of a relationship. In some respects, utilitarian love views relationship as work. Love is seen as being cultivated and maintained through time and energy. Professionals exist to aid individuals with their relationships. Utilitarian love is viewed by many social theorists as a modern type of love and a reflection of modern society, individual choice, and individualism.

Love: Romantic Relationships
Making It Work Romantic Relationships Mutually acknowledged, ongoing interactions featuring heightened affection and intensity The coexistence of romantic love and modern love create uncertainties in the social scripts as individuals negotiate between the two cultures.

Relationship Rituals Chapter 2 described the transitions from the courtship system of the nineteenth century (the traditional path to marriage) to dating in the twentieth century. In recent years, however, the dating system has been in decline. Although dating still occurs and the term is still used, dating rituals and scripts are not as clearly defined as in the past. Part of the confusion for modern individuals (in regard to the initiation and maintenance of relationships) is the diversity of options and social scripts.

Relationship Rituals: Dating
Most individuals today still date or do something that is similar to what used to be called dating. Dating remains an important are of study for sociologists. The dating system emerged in the twentieth century and replaced the courtship system of the nineteenth century. One of the major differences between dating and courtship was that dating involved multiple, overlapping relationships without the expectation of long-term commitment. Multiple potential (sometimes sexual) partners without parental supervision Rapidly accepted by the middle class as early as the first half of the twentieth century Started to decline around 1965

Relationship Rituals: Public and Private Dating
Under the courtship system, the decision of a couple to marry was more of a public decision in that the views of family and society had more weight and influence. In contrast, dating involved more individual choice and decision. However even though courting was a public matter, the act of courting usually took place in a private setting (inside the home, etc.). To put it in sociological terms, courting took place in the family institutional arena. Dating, a private matter between two individuals, usually took place in a public setting (a restaurant, movie theater, etc.). And more important, dating differed from the courtship system because it took place in the market arena. Unlike courtship, dating involved spending money and consuming in public. Dating served not only private interests but also commercial ones. The influence of the market served to further erode the impact of the family. And dating also enhanced the public nature of a couple’s commitment.

Relationship Rituals: Dating among Students
Public and Private Dating Dating among Students There is a lot of sociological interest in college students and student dating patterns. This is partly because of the growth of higher education and the tendency for people to marry later than in the past. It is also easier to study college students. There is a trend for college students to socialize in mixed-gender groups. This allows individuals to meet and build relationships or friendships with many other people at the same time (as opposed to dating or courting, which primarily involves couples). Thus, meeting potential partners is more efficient (more likely to produce more dates, with more partners, etc.). There is the popular notion that dating is over, but the majority of students (more than 90 percent) reported going on at least one date (McClintock, 2010). Furthermore, dating is not as egalitarian as might be expected. The majority of college students still retain gendered expectations when it comes to dating rituals and scripts.

Relationship Rituals: Hooking Up
Dating Hooking Up Hooking up is important to sociological discussions of love and romantic relationships. These encounters are part of important stages of life and relationship commitment. They form the basis for later experiences and decisions and are an integral component of the modern dating scene.

Relationship Rituals: What Is Hooking Up?
Dating Hooking Up Most young adults seem to know what hooking up is, but without a precise definition it is hard to measure its prevalence. Researchers have found competing definitions, depending on where students had gone to high school. A general working definition is included on the next slide.

Relationship Rituals: Hooking Up Definition
Dating Hooking Up A casual sexual or romantic encounter without explicit commitment or exclusivity Even with the variety of definitions being used, hooking up usually implies something casual as opposed to something permanent or prearranged. It is also without explicit commitment or exclusivity. Some definitions include all forms of sexual interaction, while others may specifically exclude intercourse (Bogle, 2008). Many college students have reported hooking up (using a variety of definitions).

Hooking Up This figure shows the number of hookups reported by college students. Source: Armstrong, England, and Fogarty (2010). In this survey, students used their own definitions. In follow-up questions, it was found that the distinction between having a relationship and hooking up was ambiguous and varied widely among students. Regardless, the idea of hooking up seems to reflect the recognition that all these encounters or relationships are neither exclusive nor permanent or even long-lasting. However, even though hooking up may be casual and impermanent, researchers have found that it is not random. Further research is required to explore the similarities and differences between hookup culture and courtship in order to determine whether hooking up represents a cultural shift.

Relationship Rituals: Connecting Online
Dating Hooking Up Connecting Online The search for romantic partners and relationships has been further complicated with the developments in social media. There are now many Internet dating sites. The first major national dating database was Match.com, established in 1995. In addition to specific dating sites there are many other ways in which individuals may socialize online (social networking sites such as Facebook, Twitter, etc.). The development of modern online relationships and encounters underscores the modern tension between romantic ideals (of romantic love) and utilitarian purposes (utilitarian love). As the Internet has grown and expanded, fewer individuals are finding partners through family connections and other traditional avenues (church, school, etc.). The Internet has been an especially important connection for gays and lesbians (and other nonheterosexual, nonmonogamous arrangements). There are advantages and disadvantages to creating online relationships. Finding social connections can be efficient and potentially rewarding. But there is also the possibility for lying, misrepresentation (catfishing), and predation . Self-promotion and image management have occurred (offline) in the past, but the inclusion of social media adds a new dimension to these processes.

People Who Met Their Partner Online
Source: Author’s calculations from M. Rosenfeld, Thomas, and Falcon (2011).

Relationship Rituals: Older Singles, Single Parents
Dating Hooking Up Connecting Online Older Singles and Single Parents In the past, family studies concentrated on courtship and dating practices among young individuals who had never been married. However, some singles are older (more individuals are waiting until they are older to first get married). Many individuals are postponing first marriage because education, careers, and other long-term goals. Some of these unmarried singles have children and are interested in creating blended families (Chapter 9). They may have less interest in casual dating or hooking up. Divorced individuals are also a new addition to the dating scene. The addition of older singles, single parents, and divorced individuals creates a new, modern, social dynamic in dating rituals and relationships.

Relationship Rituals: Gay and Lesbian
Dating Hooking Up Connecting Online Older Singles and Single Parents Gay and Lesbian Relationships Forming relationships and finding partners may be difficult for some gays and lesbians because of oppositional culture, cultural attitudes, or stigma (Chapter 6). Young gays and lesbians in particular face many obstacles. Gay and lesbian relationships reflect many of the same patterns as heterosexual relationships (Peplau & Fingerhut, 2007). But these relationships are complicated by additional social pressures and expectations. A major obstacle for gay and lesbian relationships is that same-sex marriage is still illegal in many places and still generates opposition. Marriage, and the steps leading to marriage, for gays and lesbians is not as clearly defined as it is for monogamous heterosexuals. Same-sex couples do not have the same dating and relationship scripts to follow and often must modify heterosexual scripts according to individual circumstances. Confusion about dating and relationship scripts for gays and lesbians is especially pronounced. This creates stress, insecurity, and relational ambiguity for many (R.-J. Green, 2010). The intersection of (personal) relationships and the institutional arenas of the state and the family can create additional social barriers.

Mate Selection Mate Selection
How and why individuals choose mates or partners are central to studies of the family and society and raise broader questions of social change. Sociologist call this process mate selection.

Mate Selection: Inequality
Mate selection and the formation of the family have an influence on inequality. There is a strong tendency for stratification and inequality to remain fixed when the rich marry each other and the poor marry each other. This type of endogamy serves to reinforce and reproduce structure of inequality. With exogamy, there is a possibility for greater class mobility or for class inequality to decrease over time. Note, however, that this assumes that individuals reproduce social class within their families (discussed in Chapter 4).

Mate Selection: Definition
The process by which people choose each other for sexual or romantic relationships Mate selection is the process by which people choose each other for sexual or romantic relationships and is one of the first steps to family formation. Understanding the process of mate selection is necessary for explaining (at least) three ways the family can influence society (discussed in the next three slides). Inequality Inclusion versus exclusion Family dynamics

Mate Selection: Inclusion and Exclusion
Inequality Inclusion versus exclusion Mate selection can influence patterns of social inclusion and exclusion. Similarly, patterns of social inclusion and exclusion are reflected in mate selection (and levels of social distance, etc.). Research suggests patterns of attraction and family formation remain highly stratified in U.S. society.

Mate Selection: Family Dynamics
Inequality Inclusion versus exclusion Family dynamics Mate selection influences family dynamics, marriage stability and how families function overall. It also affects how children are raised and the health and well-being of all family members.

Mate Selection: Evolution
Evolution has been studied to figure out attraction and its role in the mate selection process. Cohen concludes that while evolutionary forces exist (operate in the background), cultural preferences and (modern) individual choice remain extremely influential. Thus biology and evolution are important, but sexual attraction is only one component of modern relationships . There are other utilitarian aspects of contemporary relationship and these are more important in relationship formation and the processes of creating and maintaining families. Differentiating between the process of natural (mate) selection and social behaviors around this process is complicated. It is common (and sometimes popular) to assume that what is attractive has a biological cause or basis in evolution. Yet, while studies of evolution have hypothesized that there may be certain human traits or particular features that were more desirable at one time, these are difficult to determine today and may be unimportant at this point in time for modern society. However, many of the traits considered attractive in modern Western societies have little basis in biology or reproductive advantages. The overall connection between what is considered attractive (beauty) and health is nebulous . There are considerable differences in what is considered attractive, even within Western societies, but especially across other cultures and historical periods.

Mate Selection: Standards of Beauty
The relationship between standards of beauty (often considered a social construction) and health (often attributed to biology) has been studied extensively. Some scientists argue that there is a correlation between what we find attractive in a mate and evolutionary traits that increase our chance of survival as a species. One example of this is female waist-to-hip ratio. It has been hypothesized that a low waist-to-hip ratio (when the waist is smaller than the hips) is advantageous for health and reproduction. Men are socially attracted to this in women because of its basis in evolution. Cultural icons and symbols (such as Barbie dolls, Playboy centerfolds, and beauty pageants) seem to reinforce the evolutionary basis of this beauty standard. But critics note that other examples of female attractiveness, such as excessive thinness, contradict this argument. These examples do underscore the fact that there is an unequal amount of research and interest targeted toward women and the attractiveness of women’s bodies and body parts.

Mate Selection: Gender
Evolution Gender The mate selection process and the application of beauty standards is uneven when it comes to gender. The research on the evolution of sexual attractiveness has focused more on women than men. Desire and attraction are social constructions, and more important, gendered social construction (race is discussed in the next section). There is an underlying cultural assumption that men are the ones who do the mate choosing; women are the (passive) objects to be chosen. Who gets to choose is an important question when it comes to understanding positions of power in relation to gender stratification and inequality. Furthermore, exaggerating the difference between men and woman is an important part of the gender construction process, the mate selection process, and the construction of attractiveness and attraction. The enhanced differences between men and women are often what is viewed as attractive.

Mate Selection: High Heels
One gendered social practice in modern society is the use of high-heeled shoes (particularly for women). Many Americans (both male and female) believe that high heels make women look more attractive. Some researchers argue that the attraction of women in high heels is related to the fact that high heels emphasize the waist-to-hip ratio (Smith & Helms, 1999). Thus, high heels help establish and reinforce a gendered cultural difference between men and women. In terms of symbolic interactionist theory, high heels enable women to do gender (West & Zimmerman, 1987). But high heels also serve to incapacitate women (to some extent) and make them less powerful (physically and symbolically) and more submissive. Some men (and women) find this submissiveness additionally attractive. As a cultural and historical point of comparison, many scholars have noted the similarity of high heels and the Chinese practice of foot binding.

Mate Selection: Foot Binding
For the past 1,000 years, many (wealthy) Chinese families participated in the practice of foot binding. Young girls’ feet were bound as they grew, and the subsequent alteration of the foot was considered attractive and feminine. Foot binding conformed to a particular standard of beauty that many of us today do not share. It can serve as an interesting point of comparison, however, because it can help demystify one of our own beauty standards and cultural practices (high heel wearing for women). The comparison between foot binding and high heels underscores the fact that personal choices themselves can be culturally constructed (or at least heavily influenced by social forces) and that beauty standards (and gender socialization and differentiation) are learned at an early age.

Mate Selection: Race and Ethnicity
Evolution Gender Race/Ethnicity The mate selection process is similarly unequal when it comes to race/ethnicity.

Mate Selection: Homophily
Evolution Gender Race/Ethnicity Homophily Sociologist use the term homophily to help understand the processes of similarity and difference.

Mate Selection: Homophily Definition
Evolution Gender Race/Ethnicity Homophily: The principle by which similar people have more of a given kind of contact than dissimilar people Homophily describes the principle by which similar people have more of a given kind of contact than dissimilar people. Patterns of romantic interests and attachments continue to reveal racial/ethnic barriers (barriers along racial/ethnic lines).

Mate Selection: Endogamy
Evolution Gender Race/Ethnicity Endogamy In Chapter 3, endogamy is defined as “marriage and reproduction within a distinct group.” Race/ethnicity is one of the major groups by which endogamy is defined, although other group similarities and differences have been used as well. Historically, exogamy (marriage and reproduction outside of the group) has been an important means by which people have built social alliances or political connections. Utilitarian love helps to reinforce endogamy. Creating families between certain groups or people can reduce social complications and increase access to systems of social support and social capital. Romantic love can sometimes challenge expectations of endogamy. In modern society, there is often a tension between utilitarian love and romantic love because of expectations of endogamy and exogamy.

The Story behind the Numbers: White
For peer instruction (PI) in the classroom, give students the opportunity to answer the question using clickers or colored cards Results may be displayed to the class, or the results can be postponed until after the peer sharing process. Have students pair with another student who answered with a different answer . Allow time for discussion (approx. two to three minutes; this time may be modified). Have students share these new answers (again through individual clickers or colored cards). Discuss the results as a class.

The Story behind the Numbers: Black

The Story behind the Numbers: Hispanic

The Story behind the Numbers: Asian

Mate Selection: Endogamy Online
Evolution Gender Race/Ethnicity Endogamy Endogamy Online In terms of online dating and mate selection, there has been research speculation as to whether or not the Internet might promote a greater mixing of racial/ethnic groups. Initial conclusions are not promising. Early research indicates that racial/ethnic boundaries remain an issue and, in fact, there are persistent racial and ethnic divisions. For example, one in four White men restricted their online searches to include only White women and commonly restricted Black women in particular (Feliciano, Robnett, & Komaie, 2009).

Mate Selection: Percentage Receiving Replies to Online Dating Messages
This figure show the percentage of individuals (broken down by gender and race) receiving replies to online dating messages. OK Cupid surveyed a half-million randomly selected site users and found the following. White men were more likely than other men to receive a reply from a woman. Black women were the least likely to receive a reply. This seems to reinforce data from other researchers that asserts the fact that racial/ethnic boundaries remain an issue both off- and online. Source: Cohen’s graph from OK Cupid research (Rudder, 2009).

Workshop: Relationship Scripts 1
1. On a typical first date, the man should pick up the woman. strongly agree agree somewhat neutral/unsure disagree somewhat strongly disagree This workshop should be done as a peer instruction PI exercise. The instructor should generate a customized list of common first-date script activities for a typical heterosexual date, or students can be instructed to generate a relationship script of their own. Alternately, students may be assigned to small groups to generate (heterosexual or same-sex) first-date relationship scripts. Have students fill out this table before class, perhaps getting input from parents, siblings, peers, and others and having given the topic some personal reflection. Students may break into pairs to discuss their findings with each other before or answering the following four slides. Then results may be shared or discussed with the entire class.

2. On a typical first date, the man should take the woman home. strongly agree agree somewhat neutral/unsure disagree somewhat strongly disagree Have students answer each social distance workshop question using clickers . Ensure anonymity and make it clear to students that their answers will be kept strictly anonymous. Display aggregate results to the class.

3. On a typical first date, the man should be the one to ask for another date. strongly agree agree somewhat neutral/unsure disagree somewhat strongly disagree Have students answer each social distance workshop question using clickers . Ensure anonymity and make it clear to students that their answers will be kept strictly anonymous. Display aggregate results to the class.

4. On a typical first date, the man should be the one to initiate a kiss goodnight. strongly agree agree somewhat neutral/unsure disagree somewhat strongly disagree Have students answer each social distance workshop question using clickers . Ensure anonymity and make it clear to students that their answers will be kept strictly anonymous. Display aggregate results to the class.

Review Question 1 1. Of the following social theorists, whose ideas about private property and social conflict could be said to align most closely with those of Karl Marx? Jean-Jacques Rousseau Thomas Malthus Vilfredo Pareto John Millar Answer: A Discussion: Both Jean-Jacques Rousseau and Karl Marx believed that private property leads to social inequality.

Review Question 2 2. Tina believes that inequality is necessary to keep Earth’s population in check. Her view is most consistent with the views of which theorist? biological basis for sexual orientation. Adam Ferguson John Millar Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel Thomas Malthus Answer: D Discussion: Thomas Malthus believed that the human population grows faster than its ability to produce food. In his view, inequality was necessary to prevent massive overpopulation, starvation, and conflict.

Review Question 3 3. Which of the following standards of equality was key to the arguments of civil rights leaders in the 1960s equality of opportunity equality of condition ontological equality equality of outcome Answer: A Discussion: Civil rights activists argued in favor of equality of opportunity, the idea that everyone has an equal chance to achieve wealth, social prestige, and power because the rules of the game are the same for everyone. They believed that the rules of the game were not, in fact, the same for everyone.

Review Question 4 4. In responding to surveys asking them to rank various occupations according to status, people place more emphasis on the __________ of the position than the position’s __________. educational requirements; income level income level; perceived difficulty perceived difficulty; educational requirements income level; educational requirements Answer: A Discussion: In Peter Blau and Otis Dudley Duncan’s study of occupational prestige, much of the explanation of peoples’ status ranking of occupations was attributed to the education necessary for the position rather than the corresponding income.

This concludes the Lecture Slide Set for Chapter 7
by Philip Cohen © 2014 W. W. Norton & Company, Inc. Independent and Employee-Owned

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