1. Assertiveness Skills
Workshop

2. Do you… Find it impossible to say “No”?
Agree to do things because it is expected of you?
Go on a holiday/dinner you don’t want because everyone else wants to go there?
Lend money and then feel hesitant to ask for it back?
Eat food you don’t like rather than send it back?
Don’t want to give negative feedback as the person may feel hurt?

3. How should I treat myself?
Stand up for what I want and state my needs clearly.
Choose a behavior consciously and be willing to live with that choice and the consequences.
Value myself and my thoughts. Treat myself and others with equal respect.
How should I treat myself?

4. Ability to express thoughts, feelings, needs and desires- open, honest, direct and appropriate manner.
Aim to promote communication, solve the problem and get the best result; a win- win solution.
Stands up for his/her tastes, desires, values and opinions while respecting other peoples ideas and opinions, not necessarily agreeing to them.
What is Assertiveness?

5. Objectives of this program
To adapt behavior according to situation
To be able to say “No” or express disagreement
Articulate yours view/thoughts comfortably
Ability to choose different Assertiveness communication techniques according to the situation…
Objectives of this program

6. It is a learned skill which enables us to communicate effectively.
The three skills of Assertiveness:
Expressing yourself with empathy
Looking for areas of agreement
Staying open to different options/choices for mutual gain (win-win)
It is a learned skill which enables us to communicate effectively.

7. How does Assertiveness help?
Assertiveness helps us to
Increase our self-esteem.
Feel self-confident.
Develop our communication skills.
Gain the respect of others.
Improve our decision-making ability.

8. TYPES OF BEHAVIOUR ASSERTIVE State of Mind: confident,
seeks solutions,
conviction, clarity.
Showing Respect:
respects self and others.
Behavior:
reasonable, listens,
negotiates influences.
approachable,
(Short - term) favorable;
Impact:
(Long- term) creates comfort.
Active Listening Skills:
Good active listening skills.

9. To Assert means-to affirm positively, assuredly, plainly and strongly.
Assertiveness is about finding a middle way between aggression and passivity that best respects the personal boundaries of all relationships.
Assertive people defend themselves when someone else attempts to dominate them using their honesty and values to express themselves clearly.

10. Assertive Win-Win
The feeling:
Its okay for me to feel the way I do.
I respect you but want you to respect me too.
I can decide to be assertive in appropriate situations
I understand that certain people may not be happy with my decision, and I will accept the incompatibility.

11. TYPES OF BEHAVIOUR PASSIVE State of Mind: uncertain,
fears confrontation,
confused.
Showing Respect:
respects others, but not self.
Behavior:
does not say NO,
does not say what he
means.
(Short - term) favorable;
Impact:
(Long- term) taken for granted.
Active Listening Skills:
none

12. Passivity is about willingness without desire.
A Passive individual is concerned with being liked and accepted that he/she may never recognize the need to be straightforward.
A Passive person may listen but not accurately because often too anxious to concentrate. The processing gets lost because of the attempt to win acceptance from others

13. Passive Lose-Win
The feeling:
My needs are less important
I can’t do anything about it
Whatever I say or do will make no difference, so why try?
I wonder what they are thinking of me? Perhaps they'll misunderstand my silence
Nobody EVER bothers to find out how I’m feeling
Others do not understand me

14. TYPES OF BEHAVIOUR AGGRESSIVE State of Mind: I’m always right,
to always win,
insecure.
Showing Respect:
respects self, but not others.
Behavior:
dominant,impolite,unfriendly.
confrontationist.
Impact:
(Short - term) OK;
(Long- term) negative.
Active Listening Skills:
does not even listen.

15. Aggression is about dominance.
Defend their own rights and work to achieve their goals, likely to disregard the rights of others.
Their needs and feelings are more important than others.
Does not listen well to others as the person is too preoccupied with his/her perspectives. Hence tends to get angry and defensive.
Focuses more on his own desires and how to use others to achieve them.

16. Aggressive Win-Lose The feelings: It does not matter what the argument is about, I have to win. I don’t care if others are right or wrong, I only care about what I feel. I don’t want to hear what they have to say for themselves.

17. TYPES OF BEHAVIOUR PASSIVE- AGGRESSIVE State of Mind: fear,
win at any cost,
vindictive.
Showing Respect:
respects self little, others not much.
Behavior:
flattery, deceitful,
does not mean what he says.
Impact:
(Short - term) may be +ve;
(Long- term) negative.
Active Listening Skills:
pretended active listening skills.

18. Passive -aggressive(manipulative)
Flattery
Lying
Cheating
Pretension
Pitting one person against
the other
Need to be more honest and considerate of themselves and others.
Believe others are trying to exploit them, so its alright to exploit others.

19. BEHAVIOUR AND ASSERTIVENESS
Assertiveness is NOT a perfect behavior.
Our behavior will depend on the situation.
This behavior will lead to consequences.
Can we live with the consequences?
Assertiveness is a very conscious choice:
It is your willingness to make choices about your actions,
And your willingness to live with the consequences
of that behavior.

20. STEPHEN COVEY’S “CONSCIOUS GAP”
According to Stephen Covey
To every stimulus there is a reaction, a response.
Stimulus
Reaction
You can separate the time between stimulus and
response, with some effort. You create a conscious gap.
You pause before you come out with your response. In
that gap you can choose your behavior.
Stimulus
Response
GAP

21. BEHAVIOUR AND ASSERTIVENESS
So, it is important to remember that
It is not the behavior that determines assertiveness.
Assertiveness is the willingness to live
with the consequences of that behavior.
Important factor differentiating various behavior is the assumption/belief that we have about ourselves.
Let us attempt the ‘Cold Soup’ case-study
on page 8.

22. SITUATION RECALL
We see that beliefs are inhibitors.
It is not required that these beliefs be changed.
But a problem may arise when we are dealing
with someone from a different belief system.
In such a case, who is right, and who is wrong? Which belief is correct?
There is no question of right or wrong!
We have to know how to work around these
beliefs.

23. KNOWLEDGE (or LACK OF IT).
ASSERTIVENESS INHIBITORS
CONSEQUENCES.
RELATIONSHIPS.
BELIEFS.
STAKE.
KNOWLEDGE (or LACK OF IT).

24. DEVELOPING ASSERTIVENESS
Be responsible for your own behavior
Be direct, honest, and open about your feelings, goals and intentions
State reasonable requests directly and firmly.
State your point of view without being hesitant or apologetic
Avoid being influenced by others
Be honest regarding compliments.
DEVELOPING ASSERTIVENESS

25. Developing assertiveness…
Learn to say NO to unreasonable requests
Offer an explanation if you choose to. Do not lie, apologize unnecessarily.
Use “I” and “We” statements while expressing feelings.
Use appropriate body language
Choose assertive words
Avoid exaggerations
Ask for feedback
Developing assertiveness…

26. Broken Record Being Persistent Stick to the point Remain focused
TOOLS OF ASSERTIVENESS
Broken Record
Being Persistent
Stick to the point
Remain focused
Calm and relaxed, no anxiety
Neutral emotion

27. TOOLS OF ASSERTIVENESS
FOGGING
Acknowledging the truth, but refusing to be drawn into a debate.
It is neither outright denial nor outright acceptance.
Use of words like ‘Maybe’, ‘Perhaps’, ‘It may seem like
that’, ‘It’s possible it appears to you like that…” etc.
Avoid use of the word ‘BUT.’
Fogging is used when there is a lot of emotionality in the atmosphere. Empathy is also used along with fogging to dissipate the emotional energy.
Fogging is used to handle criticism, and disarm the critic.

28. TOOLS OF ASSERTIVENESS
NEGATIVE ASSERTION
Allows you to agree to fair criticism.
You can also say something negative about yourself.
You can apologize to the critic sincerely.
Used when affirming or accepting charges made
by others
NEGATIVE ENQUIRY
Asking questions which could lead to you hearing
something negative about yourself.
Invite criticism to find out why someone is angry,
critical or displeased.
You find out if the reason is valid.

29. TOOLS OF ASSERTIVENESS
SELF - DISCLOSURE
Recognizing and expressing your feelings.
Talking about your feelings; sharing your feelings
with others.
It becomes easier for you to be direct.
Used when you are checking why someone said
or did something.
“I” statements are used for self-disclosure.

30. TOOLS OF ASSERTIVENESS
WORKABLE COMPROMISE
Recognizing and expressing your expectations
Understanding others’ feelings and expectations
Negotiating expectations reasonably and logically
Trying to come a conclusion which works for both,
you and others.
“We” statements are used for workable
compromise.