1. King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall 1 Chapter 8 Communicating About Sex For use with the text, Human Sexuality Today, 5 th edition. Bruce M. King Slides by Callista Lee

2. King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall 2 Talking with your partner about sex Good communication leads to a better relationship, and a better relationship generally leads to better sex. Gender differences in communication are not as great as popular books suggest. Because sexual behaviors are learned, anyone can become an “expert” if that person is willing to read, try new behaviors, listen and ask for direction, and learn as well as teach.

3. King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall 3 Getting used to talking about sex Discuss related topics in the news. Talk about why it is difficult to talk about sex. Discuss when and how each of you will be most comfortable talking about sex. Develop a shared vocabulary. Accentuate the positive rather than the negative. Positive reinforcement (praise) is a powerful motivator for behavior change.

4. King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall 4 Complaints, needs and desires Take responsibility for your own pleasure – You must tell your partner what you want if you expect to get what you want. – Before criticizing your partner, be aware of your motivations. Do you want to hurt or help? Use “I” language to focus on feelings & desires – Avoid accusations – Focus on what you do want – Be specific

5. King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall 5 Learning about each other Self-disclosure builds understanding and trust – Learning about your partner begins with what you share with your partner – Know yourself first and use “I” language Use open-ended vs. yes-or-no questions – Where? How? When? What? Give your partner permission to talk about difficult topics – Promise to listen, respect, and remain calm

6. King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall 6 Listening verbally and nonverbally Pay attention with all of your senses. Provide feedback to your partner to be sure you understood what was said; paraphrase. Massage is pleasurable listening practice. Rather than assuming what is meant by nonverbal body language, ask if you understand correctly.

7. King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall 7 Coping with conflicts Couples who display mutual constructive communication are much more likely to survive conflicts than couples who avoid or display the “demand/withdraw” pattern of communication. Rather than demand/withdraw, express to your partner how you are hurting (frustrated, angry, etc.) – own your feelings with “I” language and allow him/her to see who and how you are. Avoid blaming; just express your feelings.

8. King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall 8 What successful couples do They do not allow their partners to suffer alone. They take responsibility for their own pleasure rather than blaming one another. They have a ratio of at least 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction. They self-disclose, listen actively and use “I” language. They agree to disagree when conflicts cannot be solved.

9. King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall 9 Talking with your kids about sex Sexual learning begins in infancy and continues throughout childhood and adolescence. Most sexual learning is informal and is received from family, friends, the media and the rest of the environment. Not discussing sex is, itself, a communication about sexuality.

10. King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall 10 Who provides sex education? As children reach their teen years, their peers and the media (primarily television) become their primary sources of sexual information. The vast majority of American adults favor sex education in schools. Mothers are more likely than fathers to provide information about sex and to attempt to open communication about sex in the family.

11. King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall 11 Why talk to kids about sex? When parents talk comfortably with teens about sexual risks (and use of condoms), teens are more likely to talk with their partners about sexual risks and to actually use condoms. Sex education in school does not lead to any increase in sexual behavior, pregnancy or STDs among teens, contrary to the fears of some adults. Talking to your kids is your opportunity to share your values about sexuality with them.

12. King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall 12 Things parents should consider Communication about sexuality should be lifelong; avoid the single “birds & bees” talk. Understanding about the other sex in childhood paves the way for good communication between men and women in adulthood. Whatever their age, teach respect for oneself and for others. Discussions should always be age-appropriate.

13. King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall 13 Advice for parents There is no need to deny that sex is pleasurable (plus, if you do, you’ve lost your credibility); and scare tactics can cause lasting harm without providing much of a benefit. Discuss – never lecture – become “askable” and “accepting.” Use informal opportunities to bring up sexually related matters (TV, comments by friends, etc.)

14. King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall 14 What should children know and when should they know it? (1) Ages 3-5 – Correct names of body parts; they have a right to say “no” to unwanted physical affection; respect for privacy. Ages 6-9 – Self-esteem (your body is special); basics of reproduction; touching sexual body parts is done in private; good hygiene; non- stereotyped gender roles.

15. King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall 15 What should children know and when should they know it? (2) Ages 9-13 – What to expect in puberty; sexual feelings are normal; children are not ready for sexual relationships; sex is not just for reproduction; physical appearance does not determine a person’s value; recognizing sexual abuse; encouragement to talk with parents about sexuality even when opinions differ.

16. King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall 16 What should children know and when should they know it? (3) Ages 13-15 – It is normal to have sexual feelings and fantasies; the size of one’s penis or breasts does not determine whether they will be a good sexual partner; love is not the same as sexual attraction; young teens are not ready for sexual relationships; peer pressure and how to say “no” or disagree with friends; awareness of exploitive relationships; basics of reproductive health; establishing values.

17. King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall 17 What should children know and when should they know it? (4) Ages 15-18 – People of all ages are sexual beings; sexuality is just one part of your personality; how to integrate sexuality into one’s value system; how to communicate sexual feelings without intercourse; contraceptive methods; responsibilities of parenthood; understanding that long-term commitments require work; sexual exploitation among adolescents; communicating feelings honestly.

18. King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall 18 How parents affect their kids’ behaviors and morality You are the primary role model for your child’s adult behaviors…in your communications, in your displays of affection and in your lifestyle. Global moralities – “It is always wrong to have sex before marriage.” Situational ethics – “We strongly prefer that you not have sex, but if you do anyway, it is important that you use condoms.” Teens respond best to parents who discuss rather than preach or dictate.

19. King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall 19 Ethnic and gender differences in communication patterns Differences between men and women often reflect social power differences; the greater the economic and social equality, the more open and direct the communication about sexuality. A dominating style of communication, common in some cultures, leads to fewer questions from children and teens report less satisfaction in communications with parents so they seek information from others more often.