1. Emotions PACS 3700/COMM 3700 Feb 4 and 6, 2014

2. Start with a group discussion. 1.Do you get emotional when you get into bad conflicts? (How many do/don’t?) 2.Is this good or bad? Why? 3.Do you try to confront conflicts rationally? (How many do/don’t?) 4.What does this mean ?

3. Report Back How many of you emotional when you get into bad conflicts? Is this good or bad? Why?

4. Do you try to confront conflicts rationally? Counts…. What does that mean?

5. Is there such thing as: Too emotional? – How do you know when emotions are “too much?” Not emotional enough? What is “not enough?”

6. Are your answers situation dependent? – How so? (What factors change your answer?)

7. Stone, Patton, and Heen say difficult conversations have three different “conversations”… or layers… Difficult Conversations

8. What  Happened Feelings  <--Identity, (Security, and Justice)

9. The “What Happened” Layer

10. The Feelings Layer 

11. Heat under the surface 

12. Emotions start to erupt….We can ignore it, let it go….

13. If you let the pressure build up, you get this!

14. How do you avoid this?

15. Stone, Patton and Heen advise to consider where the eruption is coming from.

16. The eruption is coming from pressure and heat that is even deeper down…. Psychologically… threats to identity, security, justice

17. What emotions do those threats give rise to? (Quickly scribe some answers—as many as you can think of quickly) Security Injustice Identity

18. What emotions do those threats give rise to? Security  Fear Injustice  ?

19. What emotions do those threats give rise to? Security  Fear Injustice  Anger Identity  ?

20. What emotions do those threats give rise to? Security  Fear Injustice  Anger Identity  Indignation, Humiliation

21. What  Happened Feelings  <--Identity, (Security, and Justice) FOCUS ATTENTION HERE FIRST-->

22. What  Happened Feelings  <--Identity, (Security, and Justice)

23. <--Identity, (Security, and Justice) Consider the case of the lost file….

24. Questions: 3.What are Vicki’s identity, security & justice issues? 4.What are Maria’s identity, security & justice issues?

25. Questions: 5.What are Vicky’s feelings (emotions) about this situation? 6. Find at least 4, maybe more…. 7.What about Maria?

26. Review of the “4 horsemen”: What are they?

27. Review of the “4 horsemen”: What are they? Criticism Stonewalling Defensiveness Contempt

28. Stone, Patton, and Heen’s rules for constructive conversations (they call them “learning conversations”)….

29. 1. Look deep – what are the identity issues?

30. What do you do about identity issues?

31. 1. What do you do about identity issues? Treat them gingerly! Respect them! Try to protect them (yours and theirs!)

32. 4. Protect your own identity by: a.Avoiding the “all or nothing” syndrome b.”complexify” your identity c.keep your balance d. think long term

33. 2. Identify and acknowledge your feelings. How do you do this?

34. 3. Negotiate with your feelings What does this mean?

35. 4. Express your feelings without judging, attributing or blaming. (I messages and/or XYZ messages!) What’s an XYZ message?

36. 4. XYZ messages are: When YOU do X in situation Y I feel Z. Is this an I message or a you message? Is it helpful? Harmful? Why do you say that?

37. How is it similar to…and different from: Tom Sebok’s Describing the Gap? Three-part messaging?

38. Describing the Gap (Sebok) 1.Start with the facts about what was agreed to or expected 2.Describe what actually happened or didn’t; and 3.Ask an open-ended question (e.g., “what happened” or “can we talk about this?”).

39. Three – Part Method for Raising Concerns: 1. Facts: No feelings, judgments, or opinions. Ideally, a fact is something that could be recorded by camera or audio tape. 2. Impact: Here, you can let the person know how what s/he did or did not do affected you (e.g., “It woke me up and I couldn’t go back to sleep” Can include emotions). 3. Requests: Ask for specific remedies, if appropriate, and tell the person what you request for the future. For example: “I’d like us to agree on specific times for “lights out” in our room.”

40. Dealing with the Anger of Others 1.Try to figure out what the person might be afraid of. 2.Ask for more information instead of shutting the other person off. Say, “Tell me more about that,” or, “I didn’t know you thought that. Tell me how you came to think that.” Then listen actively!

41. 3.Never say, "You shouldn't be angry." Feelings are facts, too. 4.Ask if the other person will listen to you, too. 5.Ask what the other person needs or wants. 6.Ask for suggestions for solving the problem together.

42. 7.Give ideas yourself. 8.Work toward common goals–things you both can agree on. 9.Say over and over that you expect that you will be able to work this out together. 10.End with, “I want to keep this from happening again. What can be done to learn from today?”

43. Exercises: 1)Expressing & recognizing emotion 2)Anger management coaching – “after the party”