1. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Software without (so many) tears: How to have difficult conversations about software mark.stringer@gmail.com

2. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv

3. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Just Imagine...

4. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Difficult conversations are expensive (in money, lives).

5. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Avoiding difficult conversations, not having the skills to have difficult conversations can be even more expensive.

6. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv “Getting to Yes” What is your BATNA? Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement? Improve your BATNA Side to side rather than face to face Make the pie bigger. Concentrate on interests rather than positions 20 Million copies sold

7. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv

8. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Difficult Conversations FactsFeelings Identity

9. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Move from Message Delivery to Information Discovery

10. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv It isn't the way you say it – it's WHAT you say! You can sugar- coat a hand grenade but that makes things hardly any better at all

11. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Difficult Conversations FactsFeelings Identity

12. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv We often get stuck in what appears to be a factual conversation the “What happened” or “What should happen” - “What went wrong?” “Who’s to blame?” Identity FactsFeelings

13. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv The “Facts” conversation is an easier place to hide than being forced to investigate feelings and identity. Identity FactsFeelings

14. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Assumption: We have perfect access to the motives of the people we are talking to Identity FactsFeelings

15. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Assumption: our motives are pure – we give ourselves the benefit of the doubt Identity FactsFeelings

16. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Blame results in justification and counter accusation. Suddenly the problem becomes how to justify yourself and avoid blame, the real problems become obscured. Identity FactsFeelings

17. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Blame versus Contribution: how did each party contribute to this situation? Identity FactsFeelings

18. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv The “and” stance. Try to understand how both sides contributed to the problem Identity FactsFeelings

19. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Facts Exercise Think of a discussion in your experience that appeared to be about facts, but wasn’t. What was it really about? Identity FactsFeelings

20. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Difficult Conversations FactsFeelings Identity FactsFeelings

21. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Identity Issues Appreciation: everybody, but everybody wants to feel appreciated (this includes your boss, your client). Affiliation: we form gangs and cliques and teams automatically – what team are they on? Can they be on yours? Identity FactsFeelings

22. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Identity Issues Autonomy: nobody likes being told what to do. Danger of learned helplessness. Status (vs Territory) all conversations are status conversations. Threats to status or territory can result in violent responses! Role - what do you see yourself as? What don’t you see yourself as? “It’s not my job to…” Identity FactsFeelings

23. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv What are the identity issues of the people you're talking to? What are your identity issues? The better you understand both, the better the conversation will go. Identity FactsFeelings

24. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv How can you complexify your identity using the ‘and stance’? Example: I’m a clever hard working Java programmer, AND there are a lot of things I don’t know AND I don’t always get everything right. Identity FactsFeelings

25. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Identity Exercise Make a list of 5 people who you really admire Make a list of 5 people who you really don't admire – write down one word of explanation for each Identity FactsFeelings

26. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Difficult Conversations FactsFeelings Identity

27. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Assumption: We have direct control over our feelings Identity FactsFeelings

28. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Assumption: We don’t talk about feelings when we talk about business Identity FactsFeelings

29. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv

30. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Feelings - The Science Bit You're scared or angry before you even know why (it's possible you could never know why). Amygdala -> Cortex lots of connections Cortex -> Amygdala few connections You can't tell yourself (or anybody else to calm down). Identity FactsFeelings

31. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Feelings are triggered by past experiences and identity issues. Identity FactsFeelings

32. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv If you have a more complex understanding of what you hold important about your identity (and you who actually are), this can give you better control over your feelings. Identity FactsFeelings

33. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Feelings - The Science Bit (continued) When you're scared/angry, you're thinking like a lizard “Scared people don’t learn” Only real way to get over a fear is to put yourself in the scary/angering situation over and over again. You might be able to affect yourself indirectly using the autonomic system (body language/voice tone). Relaxation techniques, connecting with your breath aren't necessarily new age hooey. Identity FactsFeelings

34. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv If you don't have your feelings, they will have you People aren't that good at detecting lies about matters of fact People are very good at detecting lies about emotional state If you don't talk about what you're talking about you'll get nowhere – or somewhere worse! Identity FactsFeelings

35. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv If you don't have your feelings, they will have you Back-handed comments and sarcasm are disastrous - don’t do it. Expecting people to be “sensitive/psychic” is your problem. Unexpressed feelings make it nearly impossible to listen. Unexpressed feelings attack identity. Identity FactsFeelings

36. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Show them – and let them hear that you're listening Don't paraphrase Parrot phrase Use their exact words Doesn't matter so much that you share their feelings, so long as you know show them that you know what they are. Use William Goldman's technique, write it all down Identity FactsFeelings

37. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv

38. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Feelings hide: attributions (of mental illness?), characterisations (he’s just a bastard) and problem solving (the real problem is that we have no detailed plan) are all ways to hide feelings. Identity FactsFeelings

39. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv The Bad News No “Quick Fix” to dealing with difficult conversations, exhortation won't do it. Can only learn how not to be angry/scared by being in the situations that anger/scare you and responding to them differently. “Muscle memory” Identity FactsFeelings

40. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv “Do you guys understand that when they jump you in an alley, it's too late to train?” David Allen, author, Getting Things Done Identity FactsFeelings

41. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv The Good News: Things can dramatically improve with practice and preparation. Practice can be done in a safe environment where nobody gets hurt. Identity FactsFeelings

42. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv “Fight in a box” Why does nobody talk about board games and card games when they talk about how dangerous video games are? Developed a card game that brings out all the issues in difficult conversations around software. Developed exercises that explore identity issues and understanding. Use this as part of a one-day training course - “Dealing with Difficult Conversations in Software”

43. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Timing Commodity Money Identity Software Suppliers Hierarchy

44. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv

45. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Call Me Mark Stringer 07736 807 604 mark@agilelab.co.uk Identity FactsFeelings

46. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Just one more thing ma'm Which difficult conversations are you avoiding? How would you prepare yourself so you could have those difficult conversations? How would you move from message delivery to information discovery? How would this change your work? Your life? Identity FactsFeelings

47. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv

48. tinyurl.com/diffconv1 twitter: #diffconv Call Me Mark Stringer 07736 807 604 mark.stringer@gmail.com Identity FactsFeelings