1. Conflict exists when both partners insist on achieving incompatible goals at the same point in time

2. I. Truths of Conflict in Marriage Every marriage contains conflict Good marriages fight less often because… Dissatisfied couples fight more severe, mean, and last longer

3. Truths of Conflict in Marriage Partners always choose whether or not to fight & how far it goes Intimacy can develop out of it

4. Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger.

5. Principle to Apply The tongue (words) cause greater destruction than anything else in most marriages

6. Remember: Anger is not sin… but I can sin when I am angry

7. II. Feelings A. What Are They? Sad (tightness in throat, behind eyes, down center of chest)

8. Feelings Glad (relaxed muscles… “lightness”)

9. Feelings Hurt (knot in stomach… hit in gut, sunken feeling in face- jaws)

10. Feelings Afraid (tight down the back of neck & shoulders, constricted breathing, tight chest)

11. Feelings Tender (soft tears around the eyes, arms want to hug, full sensation around heart)

12. Feelings Mad (tight jaw, clenched fists, arms want to hit, hard breath)

13. B. Disguised Anger Hurt Depression Fear/Insecurity Nervousness Rejection Loneliness

14. C. Truths About Feelings They are neither “good” nor “bad”… they just “are” They exist in all of us as a part of being human They act as warning signs or “red flags”

15. Truths About Feelings They are unavoidable They will exist and have an impact on us in spite of our efforts to avoid or deny them They are the key elements in conflict resolution

16. III. Understand Anger: A Nonproductive Anger Cycle Painful Circumstance Effort to Change Environment Increased Confusion Angry Emotion Resistance by Others

17. IV. What Matters the Most to You in a Conflict? Yield WinWithdraw Compromise Resolve (High concern for relationship) (Low concern for relationship)

18. IV. What Matters the Most to You in a Conflict? Do you want to hurt, injure or put down your partner? Do you want to win over this person? Do you want to establish who is right & who is wrong? Do you want to make this person feel guilty? Do you want to unload bad feelings from the past on this person?

19. Those lead to explosive patterns of behaving… rather ask: Do I want to get rid of my present bad feelings about this person, remove the obstacle to our love, and change the relationship enough to feel closer than I feel right now?

20. V. Steps to Processing Anger Expect to face anger Experience the awareness of anger Check out the reality of being offended Accept anger as normal… a “red flag”

21. Steps to Processing Anger Verbally express anger Explore meaning & source of anger Experiment with processing anger Work towards mixing anger with love & forgiveness

22. Application: Recognize anger & process with partner What are some of the “hot buttons” for you? What are some issues that start a fight for you? A small one? A big one? What are some unacceptable ways you express anger?

23. Recognize anger & process with partner How can you express anger appropriately? How can the non- angry partner help the other re-establish contact? Can you make your own rules around anger management?