2. Difficult People Make getting the job done harder Can really hurt and confuse you Are usually self centered Lack insight Don’t DO teamwork Cause conflict

3. Difficult People Can Make Us Feel angry, frustrated, and powerless Miss work/activities Feel unskilled Lose concentration Lose our cool Want to quit Wonder why we chose our profession

4. Types of Difficult People

5. The Whiner Can’t someone else do it? Complains incessantly Always finds fault Never happy Full of excuses Brings everyone down Very irritating Never wants to work

6. The Tank Rude and tactless Aggressive Insensitive Forces others Orders others around Never considers others needs “TELL IT LIKE IT IS!” Get what they want

7. The Sniper Keeps track of everyone else Always in others business Loves to spread gossip Agrees with everyone Denies any bad feelings Loves to “help” others Snide remarks Sabotages you behind your back

8. The Grenade Explodes with little warning Always on the edge Poor problem solving Poor long term thinking Usually mostly noise Counts on others to be civil Wants immediate gratification Uses threats to get what they want

9. The Think They Know It All Exaggerates Brags Misleads Distracts Legends in their own minds Irritating Hard to contradict

10. The No and Nothing Person Doleful and discouraging Take no chances Always a reason not to Give no feedback Seal their mouths Stare past you No response

11. Emotional Vampires

12. What They Do Take advantage and leave us feeling foolish Drain our energy Let us down Humiliate us Use up precious resources Leave us angry and upset They are not likely to change

13. Narcissistic Legends Knowledgeable Use and then discard people Very controlling Expect special treatment Rigid Low tolerance for correction or confrontation Demand obedience and submissiveness

14. Workaholic Can’t relax High standards Extremely organized Difficulty making decisions Rigid and controlling Black/white-right/wrong thinking Finds fault with everything The Obsessive/Compulsive

15. The Paranoid Few friends Demands absolute loyalty Holds grudges Makes big deal of nothing Angry at even small slights Sure everyone is up to no good Greets every change with suspicion

16. Blanch Duboise Always depends on others to do the work Needs constant assistance Never follows through Great at eliciting help “Fragile” Trades on looks or other attributes

17. Anti-Socials Rules don’t really apply May be charming Good at reading others Give you what you want Unreliable Untrustworthy Take advantage of others Never really produce

18. What To Do?

19. Know What They Want Know who you are dealing with: –When they want power you feel angry or humiliated –When they want your attention you feel annoyed and irritated –When they want revenge you feel hurt –When they want to be taken care of you feel hopeless, worried and concerned –When they just want to win you feel worthless

20. Know Their History Have they done this to others Have others had difficulty with them What is their reputation Are they successful at what they do How do others view them

21. Know Your Goal Is this person necessary to you What do you want out of the relationship Can you ignore this person’s behavior Do you need to escape Will confrontation work What limits can you set How will you enforce the limits How can you gain advantage

22. Having Tough Conversations

23. The Lens of Understanding From: Dealing With People You Can’t Stand Dr. Rick Brinkman & Dr. Rick Kirschner

24. Cycle of High Conflict Thinking Mistaken Assessment of Danger Aggressively Defensive Behavior Negative Feedback

25. Listen to Understand Blend with their style visibly and audibly Backtrack or repeat what you hear Clarify the meaning, intent and criteria Summarize what you hear Confirm to find out if you got it right

26. Speak to Be Understood Monitor your tone State your positive intent Tactfully interrupt interruptions Tell your truth Be ready to listen

27. Managing Anger Receiving and absorbing anger - be the sponge! Using deflecting statements – “That may be”, “Be that as it may”, “OK”, “Thanks for sharing that” Coming back to the point Visualizations to do ahead of time – Blue Light, Golden Light

28. Listen with E.A.R. Empathy – I’m sure this is difficult for you. Attention – I am here to listen to you and you will have my full attention Respect – I have a lot of respect for your commitment to your child

29. B.I.F.F. for Hostile Communication Brief Informative Friendly Firm

30. Practice New Skills Standing Strong Saying Nothing “And your point is?” “So” Using Humor “Agreeing” with the bully Walking away Wise retreat Reporting Making a plan

31. Business like Communication Sticks to the point Is courteous and polite Is always respectful Is interested in getting results Never burns bridges Is not open to provocation Is win/win

32. Dealing With the Whiner Listen for a limited amount of time Express respect for the things they do well Ask them to come up with solutions Change the subject to something positive Express faith that they will be able to master the task Redirect the conversation

33. Dealing with the Tank Stay calm Use a strong stance Don’t back down Ask if they mean to be disrespectful Use I Statements and Reflective Listening Use assertive voice Explain that you will consider everyone’s needs

34. Dealing with The Sniper Call them out on nasty comments Show interest in their opinions Ask them what their comment has to do with the presentation Confront their behavior directly

35. Dealing with Grenades Allow one minute to vent Don’t react to insults Take control of the conversation Take a strong stance and assertive tone Get their attention with a strong statement –“Hey, I’m on your side” –“I understand, but that is not going to happen”

36. Dealing With a Know-It-All Make sure to have facts Be assertive Counter misinformation in neutral way Keep staff abreast of all new info Confront false facts and information directly Don’t attack their self esteem

37. Dealing with Dr. No Recognize their expertise Draw out their opinions by: –Inferring thoughts to them –Thinking out loud –Staying silent Ask for their help Connect with them on a personal level

38. Specific Strategies for Fighting Vampires Get outside views and advice Don’t get caught up Maintain your composure Set limits Follow through Center yourself Do things that feed your spirit

39. Dealing with the Narcissist Is this person necessary to you What do you want out of the relationship Can you ignore this person’s behavior Feed their ego to get what you want. Confrontation rarely works Find ways to work around Acknowledge their expertise

40. Dealing with Obsessive/Compulsives Appeal to their need for order Give lots of warning and information Connect with their emotional side Help them see the benefits in time and stress Let them have input into planning

41. Dealing with the Paranoid Give them lots of warning Give them lots of information Tell them why Reassure them of support Recognize their expertise Ask them to help plan Keep them abreast of all information

42. Dealing with Blanch Show faith in their ability Be direct, clear, firm Set a tone of expectation Empathize with the difficulty Continuously point out strengths Help them see the students as helpless and in need of their expertise

43. Dealing with an Anti-Social Have a clear understanding of the rules and your own limits Check everything out Don’t fall for charm Resist giving in to their pressure Repeat the rules and limits Never make quick decision

44. Soothing Your Emotions Breathing Talk to someone Art and writing Planning Visualizations –Blue Light –Golden Light –Calm Places Music & smells