1. Reptiles in Love Don Ferguson www.reptilesinlove.com donferguson@tds.net

3. The Goal Reduce intensity between partners. This is exactly opposite of attempting to increase intimacy. Reducing their closeness and tension facilitates their ability to use complex neo-cortex abilities.

4. Steps towards change Partnership Partnership Friendship Friendship Intimacy Intimacy With a parallel process of individuation

5. Application of fight-or-flight response to couples battles and withdrawals

6. The Psychological Contract Assumed based on history, culture, needs Assumed based on history, culture, needs Subjective Subjective Changeable Changeable

7. Warning signs of reptilian brain involvement Raised voice Raised voice Repetition Repetition Insults/sarcasm/put-downs Insults/sarcasm/put-downs Withdrawal, shutting down, surrender, desire to escape Withdrawal, shutting down, surrender, desire to escape Intimidation or desire to injure Intimidation or desire to injure Need to defend self Need to defend self Perceived need to defeat Perceived need to defeat

9. Common fears when attempting change It won’t change It won’t change It will get worse It will get worse It will change but it won’t last It will change but it won’t last The change will not be sufficient The change will not be sufficient I will be talked/coerced into doing or accepting things that are not good for me. I will be talked/coerced into doing or accepting things that are not good for me.

10. The treatment agreement Following the initial assessment- I ask the couple to have a brief meeting about their experience of the intake. They should discuss whether this approach sounds reasonable and whether they both feel comfortable with me. Following the initial assessment- I ask the couple to have a brief meeting about their experience of the intake. They should discuss whether this approach sounds reasonable and whether they both feel comfortable with me. If agreeing to treatment, they will make one evaluation appointment for each and a conjoint session for recommendations. If agreeing to treatment, they will make one evaluation appointment for each and a conjoint session for recommendations.

11. I needI can’t You won’t You’re bad You want too much You’re bad Curiosity -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

12. Anxiety increases anxiety Frustrated needs and desires will lead to increased anxiety and need for reassurance Frustrated needs and desires will lead to increased anxiety and need for reassurance As one acts out this desperation, the partner’s anxiety and desperation increases and so on As one acts out this desperation, the partner’s anxiety and desperation increases and so on Getting one partner to surrender in some manner may only make matters worse Getting one partner to surrender in some manner may only make matters worse

13. Family History Warning: Remember risk of unfair fighting Warning: Remember risk of unfair fighting Not to blame but to understand skills and defenses Not to blame but to understand skills and defenses Cultures develop myths and rituals Cultures develop myths and rituals Expands the scope of your problems beyond the two of you Expands the scope of your problems beyond the two of you

14. The mechanics-assessment How do they attempt discussions? How do they attempt discussions? When do they have time together? When do they have time together? How do battles begin? How do battles begin? How do they diagnose each other? How do they diagnose each other? The exceptions: The exceptions: When do things go well? When do things go well? When do they have their best times? When do they have their best times? Be cautious when asking about exceptions. Be cautious when asking about exceptions.

15. The mechanics- planning Planning meetings- timing, time-limits, preparation, decreasing surprises Planning meetings- timing, time-limits, preparation, decreasing surprises Place- remember conditioning theory Place- remember conditioning theory Establishing rules of engagement Establishing rules of engagement Soft start-ups, bids and increasing positives (Gottman) Soft start-ups, bids and increasing positives (Gottman)

17. We need to talk. I really need to talk to you and get to know you better. I will feel closer to you. or I want to rip you open emotionally, make you feel guilty and inadequate and then tap dance on your bloodied useless carcass. This will take about four hours.

18. So what’s the right discussion First of all—can we at least help them have the same discussion? First of all—can we at least help them have the same discussion? Next they will need to decide what the large and small subtexts of the problem are and what each of them needs. Next they will need to decide what the large and small subtexts of the problem are and what each of them needs. Their mythology may be that they should each have the same needs. Their mythology may be that they should each have the same needs.

19. Defining the Problem Forcing your brains to organize the data Forcing your brains to organize the data Specific and behavioral objectives Specific and behavioral objectives Select and define sub-arguments and distractions Select and define sub-arguments and distractions What are the key subjects and what do they mean to each of you? What are the key subjects and what do they mean to each of you? What would each of you view as a successful conclusion to the topic you have named as important? What would each of you view as a successful conclusion to the topic you have named as important?

20. Diagrams In group or retreat approach consider diagramming a difficult discussion In group or retreat approach consider diagramming a difficult discussion Break down of parts and the relationships among the parts of the fight Break down of parts and the relationships among the parts of the fight Or draw out the pattern Or draw out the pattern

21. Negotiations Everything is negotiable. Everything is negotiable. The content is least important. The content is least important. The content is symbolic. The content is symbolic. When you are stuck, back up to the last point of agreement, no matter how minimal. When you are stuck, back up to the last point of agreement, no matter how minimal. Break up old rhythms. Break up old rhythms.

22. Brainstorming Used to move beyond rigid, hopeless thinking Used to move beyond rigid, hopeless thinking Rapid proposal of options Rapid proposal of options No critique allowed No critique allowed Playfulness encouraged Playfulness encouraged Paring down of options Paring down of options

23. The Experimental Nature of Change Everything a couple asks for or tries is merely an experiment. Everything a couple asks for or tries is merely an experiment. Be prepared to back up because… Be prepared to back up because… If an assignment fails, it wasn’t resistance. It was the wrong assignment. If an assignment fails, it wasn’t resistance. It was the wrong assignment.

24. Early Building of Positives (Gottman, Hendrix) Wish list Wish list Sacred times Sacred times Initiating times together (How do they get together after absences? The arsenic hour is described.) Initiating times together (How do they get together after absences? The arsenic hour is described.) Celebrating change Celebrating change Note: These are early interventions and do not necessarily address the big issues, yet.

25. Relapse Inoculating against catastrophic reactions to relapse Inoculating against catastrophic reactions to relapse Using relapse as a learning tool Using relapse as a learning tool Celebrating new responses to old behaviors Celebrating new responses to old behaviors Discussing continued growth Discussing continued growth

26. After Relapse Tx Begins Couples have an initial honeymoon Couples have an initial honeymoon They then have a vicious relapse which is all the more painful because they thought they had made it. They then have a vicious relapse which is all the more painful because they thought they had made it. Now they are ready to do the deeper work beyond just learning to be nicer to each other. Now they are ready to do the deeper work beyond just learning to be nicer to each other. You need to invoke their curiosity. You need to invoke their curiosity.

27. Practice, Practice, Practice The couple will need to build trust through repeated small acts of good faith. The couple will need to build trust through repeated small acts of good faith. They initially will wonder if they can expect reciprocity. They initially will wonder if they can expect reciprocity. They learn that it’s not important. They learn that it’s not important. Hebb’s Law provides hope: Hebb’s Law provides hope: If it fires together, it wires together. If it fires together, it wires together.