1. The prevention of sexual abuse of children in our communities Practical ideas to empower parents and others Social Services Providers’ Aotearoa Conference September 21st, 2012 Melanie Calvesbert

2. Plan The HELP Centre and WellStop Primary, secondary and tertiary prevention Ecological model Language Children and sexual behaviour Why is this so hard to talk about? Breaking it down – information – messages, (family rules and values) – awareness – know how to respond – resources, where to go to for help

3. The HELP Centre and WellStop HELP 24 Hour crisis support service provide face-to-face support to victims through the forensic medical, police procedures and court processes counselling for children, young people, men and women who have had any experience of sexual abuse, sexual assault or family violence provide information and support to family and friends WellStop Programmes available for: –children with sexually harmful behaviour, and their families –young people who have sexual behaviour problems, and their families –adults who have sexually abused, and their families and / or support people members of the Wellington Sexual Abuse Network (WSAN) –sexual violence prevention programme with young people –professional development

4. Primary, secondary and tertiary prevention Prevention can be classified in 3 ways: Primary prevention – initiatives that take place before sexual violence has occurred. Initiatives for “everyone”, that set cultural norms. Secondary prevention – initiatives aimed at “at risk” populations. Tertiary prevention – initiatives with those affected by sexual violence to deal with consequences and prevent further abuse from occurring

5. “Imagining the Solution” May 2012 Tauiwi Caucus of TOAH-NNEST

6. Language the language we use for adults is not appropriate to describe children our language will shape our responses to children who engage in sexually harmful behaviour we could use ‘concerning sexual behaviour’ or ‘harmful sexual behaviour’ we could use child who was harmed rather than victim

7. Children and sexual behaviour – Toni Cavanagh Johnson Natural and Healthy Sexual Play Sexually ReactiveMutual Sexual Behaviour Children who Sexually Harm information gathering process exploration voluntary similar age, size and developmental status spontaneous light hearted curious age appropriate limited in type and frequency may result in embarrassment rather than deep feelings of shame, fear or anxiety child may be responding to trauma child may be imitating what experienced / witnessed child may have observed adult sexual behaviour (or porn videos) sexually reactive behaviour is spontaneous and impulsive may be triggered by something in child’s environment child may be sad and lonely due to the absence of close relationships with adults/other children they may discover that sexual behaviour is soothing child may engage in sexual behaviour in an attempt to relate to their peers child is very likely to have been sexually and/or physically abused and/or living in a chaotic and sexualised environment they often gravitate to children with similar problems and then engage in mutual sexual behaviors child often finds behaviour is reinforcing behaviour mimics aggressive adult sexual behaviour they are aggressive towards other children and at times this can be in a sexual manner these children are often victims of sexual and/or physical abuse home environments marked by sexual stimulation and lack of boundaries many of these children have witnessed domestic violence at home these children lack friends and may befriend younger children they may use threats

8. Why is this so hard to talk about? do not want to ‘freak’ the child out if we talk about it, the child may then misinterpret appropriate touch do not want the child to lose their innocence waiting for the right time children do not need to know about it – adults’ topic

9. Why is this so hard to talk about …. ? the child might tell other children who tell their parents ….. the child might become fixated on it how do we talk about it? we don’t like to think of children as having sexual behaviour it brings up strong feelings of discomfort in us that we may want to avoid It’s one thing to talk about strangers but people I know?

10. Breaking it down information messages (family rules and values) awareness know how to respond resources and where to go to for help

11. Information what is natural and healthy sexual behaviour in children? signs of what might be sexually inappropriate behaviour in children, young people and adults accurate information about sexual harm and abuse

12. Messages (family rules and values) no secrets what is private and public? how to say no and who to tell? names for parts of the body what is okay touching? Some ideas about talking: moments as they arise many conversations over time knowing how to say something play the what if …. ? game

13. Awareness of some dynamics of sexual abuse more usually people known and trusted why children may find it so difficult to tell grooming

14. Some of the reasons why children may find it so difficult to tell about sexual abuse and harmful sexual behaviour they knew / trusted the person shame they felt responsible / that they ‘caused’ it to happen afraid of the consequences of telling they did not realise it was wrong they were groomed

15. Some of the reasons why children may find it so difficult to tell about sexual abuse and harmful sexual behaviour very young children believe that adults know everything, therefore they know about the abuse, therefore if it was wrong they would stop it they tried to tell and were not listened to or believed or the person told did not know what to do

16. Know how to respond When a child has been harmed –be calm –glad I know now ….? –I believe you –I’m sorry this happened –you have done nothing wrong –that shouldn’t have been done to you –the other child’s behaviour is wrong – that is for adults When a child has done the harm –be calm –name the behaviour that is not ok as you would with any other not ok behaviour –how the other child might feel –consequences

17. Resources www.sexualabuse.org.nz www.netsafe.org.nz www.raisingchildren.com.au www.tcavjohn.com www.stopitnow.org Look, listen, act resource – available from Child, Youth & Family

18. Contact details Melanie Calvesbert Client Service Coordinator Wellington Help Centre (04) 499.7530 melanie@wellingtonhelp.org www.wellingtonhelp.org.nz