1. Linda Graham, MFT linda@lindagraham-mft.net www.lindagraham-mft.net Bouncing Back: Rewiring the Brain for Resilience and Well-Being K Events, Brisbane, Australia September 3-4, 2015

2. Linda Graham, MFT Marriage and Family Therapist – 25 years Psychodynamic, Attachment, Trauma, Mindfulness, Neuroscience Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Well-Being 2013 Books for a Better life award 2014 Better Books for a Better World award linda@lindagraham-mft.net www.lindagraham-mft.net

3. All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming. - Helen Keller

4. Resilience Hardiness Grit, will to survive Determination, perseverance, endurance, follow-through Coping Face and deal with challenges and crises Navigate life’s twists and turns, unexpected and disruptive Bounce back from adversity, from truly awful Flexibility Responsiveness; able to shift gears: perspectives, views, behaviors You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. - Jon Kabat-Zinn

5. Response Flexibility It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptive to change. - Charles Darwin

6. Response Flexibility Between a stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. The last of human freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances. - Viktor Frankl, Austrian psychiatrist, survivor of Auschwitz

7. Response Flexibility It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power. - Alan Cohen

8. Response Flexibility Catch the moment; make a choice - Janet Friedman Every moment has a choice; Every choice has an impact. - Julia Butterfly Hill

9. Response Flexibility How you respond to the issue…is the issue. - Frankie Perez, Momentous Institute

10. Rewiring for Resilience and Well-Being Rewire brain out of stress-trauma-negativity- inner critic Recover resilience and resources – stability and flexibility Choose new experiences; harness neuroplasticity Move to thriving and flourishing

12. 6 C’s of Coping Calm Compassion Clarity Connections to Resources Competence Courage

13. Calm Manage disruptive emotions Tolerate distress Down-regulate stress to return to baseline equilibrium

15. Compassion Being touched, moved by experience of pain and suffering Flow of kindness, tenderness, care and concern toward experiencer of pain and suffering Wise action to alleviate pain and suffering One cannot live with sighted eyes and feeling heart and not know the misery which affects the world. - Lorraine Hansberry Compassion is a verb. – Thich Nhat Hanh

17. Clarity Pause, become present Notice and name Step back, dis-entangle, reflect Shift perspectives; shift states Discern options Choose wisely – let go of unwholesome, cultivate wholesome

19. Connections to Resources Practices, Places, People Counter-balance brain’s negativity bias Strengthen inner secure base Access common humanity Increasing the social connections in our lives is probably the single easiest way to enhance our well-being. - Matthew Lieberman, UCLA Social: Why Our Brains are Wired to Connect

21. Competence Embodied sense, “Sure I can!” From previous competence, no matter how small Ownership Empowerment and mastery from changing old coping strategies, learning new ones Embodying, “I am somebody who CAN do this.” You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. - Jon Kabat-Zinn

23. Courage Using signal anxiety as cue to: Try something new Take risks Move resilience beyond personal self

25. Mastering the art of resilience does much more than restore you to who you once thought you were. Rather, you emerge from the experience transformed into a truer expression of who you were really meant to be. - Carol Orsborn

26. Boundin’

27. Human Brain: Evolutionary Masterpiece 100 billion neurons Each neuron contains the entire human genome Neurons “fire” hundreds of time per second Neurons connect to 5,000-7,000 other neurons Trillions of synaptic connections As many connections in single cubic centimeter of brain tissue as stars in Milky Way galaxy

29. Modern Neuroscience How neural structures/circuits develop How brain processes information; communicates within itself How brain learns/installs patterns of coping How brain rewires its memory patterns

30. Modern Brain Science The field of neuroscience is so new, we must be comfortable not only venturing into the unknown but into error. - Richard Mendius, M.D.

31. Neuroscience of Resilience Neuroscience technology is 20 years old Meditation improves attention and impulse control; shifts mood and perspective; promotes health Oxytocin can calm a panic attack in less than a minute Kindness and comfort, early on, protects against later stress, trauma, psychopathology

32. Neuroplasticity Greatest discovery of modern neuroscience Growing new neurons Strengthening synaptic connections Myelinating pathways – faster processing Creating and altering brain structure and circuitry Organizing and re-organizing functions of brain structures The brain changes itself - lifelong

33. The brain is shaped by experience. And because we have a choice about what experiences we want to use to shape our brain, we have a responsibility to choose the experiences that will shape the brain toward the wise and the wholesome. - Richard J. Davidson, PhD

34. Evolutionary legacy Genetic templates Family of origin conditioning Norms-expectations of culture-society Who we are and how we cope…. …is not our fault. - Paul Gilbert, The Compassionate Mind

35. Given neuroplasticity And choices of self-directed neuroplasticity Who we are and how we cope… …is our responsibility - Paul Gilbert, The Compassionate Mind

36. Attachment Styles - Secure Parenting is attuned, empathic, responsive, comforting, soothing, helpful Attachment develops safety and trust, and inner secure base Stable and flexible focus and functioning Open to learning inner secure base provides buffer against stress, trauma, and psychopathology

37. Insecure-Avoidant Parenting is indifferent, neglectful, or critical, rejecting Attachment is avoidant of people and emotions, withdrawn, compulsively self-reliant Stable, but not flexible Focus on self or world, not others or emotions Rigid, defensive, not open to learning Neural cement

38. Insecure-Anxious Parenting is inconsistent, unpredictable Attachment is clingy, needy, compulsive caregiving Flexible, but not stable Focus on other, not on self-world, Less able to retain learning Neural swamp

39. Disorganized Parenting is frightening or abusive, or parent is “checked out,” not “there” Attachment is paralysis, fright without solution Lack of focus Moments of dissociation Compartmentalization of trauma

40. Pre-Frontal Cortex Executive center of higher brain Evolved most recently – makes us human Development kindled in relationships Matures the latest – 25 years of age Evolutionary masterpiece CEO of resilience

41. Functions of Pre-Frontal Cortex Regulate body and nervous system Quell fear response of amygdala Manage emotions Attunement – felt sense of feelings Empathy – making sense of expereince Insight and self-knowing Response flexibility Planning, decision making

43. Intelligences Somatic:Body-based equilibrium Emotional: managing one’s own emotions and empathizing with others’; compassion Relational: connect, heal heartache, access resources, navigate peopled world Reflective: conscious awareness, mindfulness

45. Mechanisms of Brain Change Conditioning New Conditioning Re-Conditioning De-Conditioning

46. Conditioning Experience causes neurons to fire Repeated experiences, repeated neural firings Neurons that fire together wire together Strengthen synaptic connections Connections stabilize into neural pathways Without intervention, is what the brain does Conditioning is neutral, wires positive and negative

48. New Conditioning Choose new experiences Gratitude practice, listening skills, focusing attention, self-compassion, self-acceptance Create new thoughts, affirmations Shift from negative to positive emotions Create new learning, new memory Encode new wiring Install new pattern of response, new habits, new ways of being

50. Shift from Self-Critical Voice to Self-Compassionate Voice Loving awareness of breathing Let a moment of discomfort arise; notice where you feel in the body Notice any critical self-talk; notice the words; notice the tone of voice Use critical voice as cue to practice: “May I be kind to myself in this moment; may I accept myself in this moment exactly as I am.”

51. Re-conditioning Memory de-consolidation – re-consolidation “Light up” neural networks Juxtapose old negative with new positive Neurons fall apart, rewire New rewires old

53. Re-Conditioning Resource with memory of someone’s compassion toward you Evoke compassion for your self Evoke memory of someone being critical of you (or inner critic) Hold awareness of criticizing moment and compassionate moment in dual awareness Drop the criticizing moment; rest in the compassionate moment.

54. Modes of Processing Focused Attention Tasks and details Deliberate, guided change New conditioning and re-conditioning De-focused Attention Default network Mental play space – random change De-conditioning

55. De-Conditioning Default network De-focusing, loosens grip of attention Creates mental play space, free association Can drop into worry, rumination Can drop into plane of open possibilities Brain makes new links, associations New insights, aha!s new behaviors

57. De-Conditioning Reverie, daydreams Imagination Guided visualizations Guided meditations Brain “plays,” makes own associations and links, connect dots in new ways Reflect on new insights

58. Compassionate Friend Sit comfortably; hand on heart for loving awareness Imagine safe place Imagine warm, compassionate figure – Compassionate Friend Sit-walk-talk with compassionate friend Discuss difficulties; listen for exactly what you need to hear from compassionate friend Receive object of remembrance from friend Reflect-savor intuitive wisdom

59. Practices to Accelerate Brain Change Presence – primes receptivity of brain Intention/choice – activates plasticity Practice – creates new pathways, new more resilient habits of coping Perseverance – “little and often” installs change

60. Presence To be present is far from trivial. It may be the hardest work in the world. And forget about the “may be.” It is the hardest work in the world – at least to sustain presence. And the most important. - Jon Kabat-Zinn

61. Intention And the day came when the risk it took To stay tight inside the bud Was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. - Anais Nin

62. Perseverance How long should you try? Until. - Jim Rohn The difference between try and triumph is a little “umph.” – author unknown The greatest oak was once a little nut that held its ground. – Author unknown

63. How to Replenish Human Brain Exercise-Movement Sleep - Rest Nutrition Laughter-Play Learn Something New Open Heart/Mind to Larger Perspective Hang Out with Healthy Brains

64. Emerging Philosophy of Self Care Macro – big tools, big practices Vacations, work out in gym, support group Micro – small tools, small practices Take a nap, stretch your body, self- compassion break

66. Exercise - Movement Macro cardio – BDNF Yoga, qi gong – move the energy Micro 3-minute better than nothing workout Move your body once every hour Sense and savor walk

68. Sleep - Rest Macro – 8 hours every night Housekeeping Reset nervous system Consolidate learning Sleep hygiene Micro Take mental breaks; switch the channel Take a nap Mini-meditate (10 breaths)

70. Take Mental Breaks Focus on something else (positive is good) Talk to someone else (resonant is good) Move-walk somewhere else (nature is good) Every 90 minutes; avoid adrenal fatigue

72. Nutrition Macro Eat healthy! More protein, more water, less sugar, less carbs, less calories, less caffeine/alcohol Micro Savor (eat a raisin meditation) Eat one meal a day without doing anything else

74. Laughter Increases oxygen and blood flow, reduces risk of heart disease and stroke Releases endorphins – body’s natural pain killer Reduces stress hormone cortisol, lowers blood pressure Triggers catecholamines, heightens alertness in brain Releases tension in body, balances nervous system

75. Laughter Promotes work productivity Reduces stress Promotes creativity and problem-solving Reduces mistakes, increases efficiency Promotes group cohesion Promotes learning (through play) Eases loss, grief, trauma

76. Laughter-Play Macro Have a good time at family/friends dinner/celebration Schedule a play date Schedule a silly date Micro Watch a 4-minute Happify Daily video Read two minutes of jokes

78. Learn Something New Macro Speak a foreign language Play a musical instrument Juggle Play chess Micro Learn a new poem, quote, flower, bird each day

80. Open Heart/Mind to Larger Perspective Macro Spiritual practice Altruism-generosity Service – volunteer, career Micro Mindful Self-Compassion Mindfulness Self-Compassion Common Humanity

82. Hang Out with Healthy Brains Macro Friendships, book clubs, bowling league, athletics, choir Practice gratitude at family dinners Micro Read 10 pages of a good book, magazine article, blog post Send the link of the above to a friend Send a text or email of gratitude, acknowledgement, appreciation to friend, co-worker

84. Kindness is more important than wisdom. And the recognition of that is the beginning of wisdom. - Theodore Rubin

85. Brain Care is Self Care Choose one practice of brain care Practice every day for 30 days Reflect on difference in functioning, in resilience and well-being, in sense of self

86. Keep Calm and Carry On Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace amidst the storm. - author unknown

88. Regulate Stress Macro Change conditions causing stress Job, boss, get family member into therapy Micro Work with brain to Manage disruptive emotions Tolerate distress Down-regulate stress

89. Window of Tolerance SNS – explore, play, create, produce…. OR Fight-flight-freeze Baseline physiological equilibrium Calm and relaxed, engaged and alert WINDOW OF TOLERANCE Relational and resilient Equanimity PNS – inner peace, serenity…. OR Numb out, collapse

91. Hand on the Heart Touch – oxytocin – safety and trust Deep breathing – parasympathetic Breathing ease into heart center Brakes on survival responses Coherent heart rate Being loved and cherished Oxytocin – direct and immediate antidote to stress hormone cortisol

93. Oxytocin Hormone of safety and trust, bonding and belonging, calm and connect Brain’s direct and immediate antidote to stress hormone cortisol Can pre-empt stress response altogether A single exposure to oxytocin can create a lifelong change in the brain. - Sue Carter, PhD

94. Touch Hand on heart, hand on cheek Head rubs, foot rubs Massage back of neck Hold thumb as “inner child” Hugs – 20 second full bodied

95. Calm through the Body Hand on the Heart Safe, soothing touch Body Scan Progressive Muscle Relaxation Soles of the Feet Rewiring through Movement Power Posing Mindful Self-Compassion

96. Calm – Friendly Body Scan Awareness Breathing gently into tension Hello! and gratitude Release tension, reduce trauma

97. Progressive Muscle Relaxation Body cannot be tense and relaxed at the same time Tense for 7 seconds, relax for 15 Focused attention calms the mind

98. Affectionate Breathing Sit comfortably; breathe slowly and gently. Incline your awareness toward your breathing with tenderness and curiosity Let the body breathe itself; notice the natural nourishing and soothing of the body Feel the whole body breathe Allow the body to be gently rocked by the breath Savor the stillness and peace in the body

99. Soles of the Feet Stand up; feel soles of feet on the floor Rock back and forth, rock side to side Make little circles with your knees Walk slowly; notice changes in sensations Offer gratitude to your feet that support your entire body, all day long

100. Rewiring through Movement Body inhabits posture of difficult emotion (40 seconds Body moves into opposite posture (40 seconds) Body returns to first posture (20 seconds) Body returns to second posture (20 seconds) Body finds posture in the middle (30 seconds Reflect on experience

101. Power Posing Amy Cuddy TED talk Before important meeting or interview: Stand tall and straight, like mountain pose in yoga Lift your arms in triumph or Place hands on hips (Wonder Woman)

103. Mindfulness and Compassion Awareness of what’s happening (and our reactions to what’s happening) Acceptance of what’s happening (and our reactions to what’s happening) Two most powerful agents of brain change known to science; both foster response flexibility Rewiring that is safe, efficient, effective

104. Mindfulness and Compassion Activate Caregiving System Mindfulness Focuses awareness on experience May I accept this moment, exactly as it is Self-Compassion Focuses kindness on experiencer May I accept myself exactly as I am in this moment Common Humanity I am not alone; I am not the only one Activates caregiving system Shift from reactivity and contraction to openness, engagement

105. Mindful Self-Compassion Shifts Brain Functioning In the present moment – restores equanimity Over time – creates new patterns of behavior Becomes way of being – natural, effortless

106. Benefits of Self-Compassion Increased motivation; efforts to learn and grow Less fear of failure; greater likelihood to try again Taking responsibility for mistakes; apologies and forgiveness More resilience in coping with life stressors Less depression, anxiety, stress, avoidance Healthier relationships; more support and, less control and/or aggression Increased social connectedness, life satisfaction, and happiness

107. Self-Compassion Break Notice moment of suffering Ouch! This hurts! This is painful. Soothing touch (hand on heart, cheek, hug) Kindness toward experiencer May I be kind to myself in this moment May I accept this moment exactly as it is May I accept myself in this moment exactly as I am May I give myself all the compassion I need to respond to this moment wisely

108. Loving Kindness with Self-Compassion Sit comfortably, focus on gentle breathing, in and out Feel breath in entire body; let your body breathe you Breathe into areas of physical stress, discomfort Notice difficult emotions; incline awareness toward contraction or discomfort Self-compassion phrases: “May I be….” Your own phrases of kindness, tenderness, care Rest in stillness and peace in body

109. One for Me; One for You Breathing in, “nourishing, nourishing” Breathing out, “soothing, soothing” In imagination, “nourishing for me, nourishing for you, soothing for me, soothing for you” “One for me, one for you” Practice breathing “one for me, one for you” when in conversation with someone

110. Caregiving with Equanimity Everyone is on his or her own life journey. I am not the cause of this person’s suffering, nor is it entirely within my power to make it go away, even if I wish I could. Moments like this are difficult to bear, Yet I may still try to help if I can.

111. Neuroscience is Revolutionizing Our Thinking about Feelings Negative Emotions – Up Side of Your Dark Side Signal – pay attention, this is important! Motivator of action Positive Emotions – Positivity Antidotes negativity bias; Creates left shift; opens up possibilities Motivator of action Opens up possibilities

112. Emotions Signals to take action Adaptive action tendencies Anger – protest injustice, betrayal Sadness – pull in comfort Fear – move away from danger, toxicity Guilt – healthy remorse, make amends Joy – expand, connect with others

113. Positive Emotions-Behaviors Brain hard-wired to notice and remember negative and intense more than positive and subtle; how we survive as individuals and as a species Leads to tendency to avoid experience Positive emotions activate “left shift,” brain is more open to approaching experience, learning, and action

115. Positive Emotions GratitudeAweGenerosity CompassionDelight Serenity Love Curiosity Kindness Joy Trust

116. Positive Emotions Less stress, anxiety, depression, loneliness More friendships, social support, collaboration Shift in perspectives, more optimism More creativity, productivity Better health, better sleep Live on average 7-9 years longer Resilience is direct outcome

117. A hundred times every day, I remind myself that my inner and outer life depend on the labors of other people, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving. - Albert Einstein

118. Kindness is more important than wisdom, And the recognition of that is the beginning of wisdom. - Theodore Rubin Share-listen-reflect stories of kindness received

119. Gratitude 2-minute free write Gratitude journal Gratitude buddy Carry love and appreciation in your wallet

120. Take in the Good Notice: in the moment or in memory Enrich: the felt sense in the body Absorb: savor 10-20-30 seconds, felt sense in body Repeat: 6 times a day, install in long-term memory

121. Circle of Support Call to mind people who have been supportive of you; who have “had your back” Currently, in the past, in imagination Imagine them gathered around you, or behind you, lending you their faith in you, and their strengths in coping Imagine your circle of support present with you as you face difficult people or situations

122. Positivity Portfolio Ask 10 friends to send cards or e-mails expressing appreciation of you Assemble phrases on piece of paper Tape to bathroom mirror or computer monitor, carry in wallet or purse Read phrases 3 times a day for 30 days Savor and appreciate

124. Emotional Intelligence Perceiving, identifying, managing one’s own emotional landscape with openness and curiosity Regulating negative emotions Cultivating positive emotions Maintaining emotional vitality and equilibrium Recognizing others’ emotions, empathizing with emotional causes of behaviors Responding to one’s own and others’ emotions skillfully and compassionately

125. Competence Embodied sense, “Sure I can!” From previous competence, no matter how small Ownership Empowerment and mastery from changing old coping strategies, learning new ones Embodying, “I am somebody who CAN do this.” You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. - Jon Kabat-Zinn

126. As an irrigator guides water to his field, as an archer aims an arrow, as a carpenter carves wood, the wise shape their lives. - Buddha

127. Learning Model Unconscious Incompetence Conscious Incompetence Conscious Competence Unconscious Competence

128. Coherent Narrative This is what happened. This is what I did. This has been the cost. This is what I learned. This is what I would do differently going forward.

129. Find the Gift in the Mistake Regrettable Moment – Teachable Moment What’s Right with this Wrong? What’s the Lesson? What’s the Cue to Act Differently? Find the Gift in the Mistake

130. I am no longer afraid of storms, For I am learning how to sail my ship. - Louisa May Alcott

132. Courage It’s as wrong to deny the possible As it is to deny the problem. - Dennis Seleeby A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for. - Grace Hopper Yes, risk-taking is inherently failure-prone. Otherwise, it would be called sure thing-taking - Tim McMahon

133. Do One Scary Thing a Day Venture into New or Unknown Somatic marker of “Uh, oh” Dopamine disrupted Cross threshold into new Satisfaction, mastery Dopamine restored Be afraid not…or be a frayed knot. – Bev Stevens

135. Intelligence of Integrated Self There is a natural and inviolable tendency in things to bloom into whatever they truly are in the core of their being. All we have to do is align ourselves with what wants to happen naturally and put in the effort that is our part in helping it happen. - David Richo

136. Connections to Resources Practices Yoga, tai chi, meditation, prayer Places Sacred places; safe places People Resonant Social

137. This is what our brains are wired for: reaching out to and interacting with others. These are design features, not flaws. These social adaptations are central to making us the most successful species on earth. - Matthew Lieberman, PhD Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired To Connect

138. Connections Increasing the social connections in our lives is probably the single easiest way to enhance our well-being. - Matthew Lieberman, UCLA The moment we cease to hold one another, the sea engulfs us and the light goes out. - James Baldwin

139. People as Resources At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by the spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. - Albert Schweitzer

140. True Other to the True Self The roots of resilience are to be found in the felt sense of being held in the mind and heart of an empathic, attuned, and self-possessed other. - Diana Fosha, PhD To see and be seen: that is the question, and that is the answer. - Ken Benau, PhD

142. Ah, the comfort, The inexpressible comfort Of feeling safe with a person. Having neither to weigh out thoughts Nor words, But pouring them all right out, just as they are, Chaff and grain together; Certain that a faithful hand Will take them and sift them; Keeping what is worth keeping and, With the breath of kindness, Blow the rest away. - Dinah Craik

144. Deep Listening The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention….A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words. - Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D.

145. Deep Listening Listener asks speaker the question. Speaker answers honestly. The speaker answers the repeating question for several rounds, deepening his/her understanding of his/her experience. Listener and speaker switch roles. Take a few moments to share reflections on the experience.

146. Questions for Deep Listening What brings you joy in your life? What has brought you sorrow? What worries you now? When have you found courage in dark times? What are you grateful for? What are you proud of?

147. Seeing Ourselves as Others See Us Imagine sitting across from someone who loves you unconditionally Imagine switching places with them; see yourself as they see you; feel why they love you and delight in you; take in the good Imagine being yourself again; taking in the love and affection coming to you; savor and absorb.

148. Wiser Self Imagine yourself five years from now: wise, compassionate, good, strong, alive and vibrant Ask this Wiser Self: how did you become like this? What did you have to overcome or let go of to become like this? What one word of advice do you have for me? Inhabit this Wiser Self briefly; what does it feel like to become your Wiser Self?

149. The Guest House - Rumi This being human is a guest-house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, Some momentary awareness come As an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably.

150. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond. - Rumi

151. Welcome Them All Wiser Self welcomes to the “party” characters that embody positive and negative parts of the self with curiosity and acceptance of the message or gift of each part and honors each part of the “inner committee”

152. The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. - Carl Rogers

153. Shame De-Rails Resilience Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. Shame erodes the part of ourselves that believes we are capable of change. We cannot change and grow when we are in shame, and we can’t use shame to change ourselves or others. - Brene Brown, PhD

154. Love makes your soul crawl out of its hiding place. - Zora Neale Hurston Love guards the heart from the abyss. - Mozart

155. Just that action of paying attention to ourselves, that I care enough about myself, that I am worthy enough to pay attention to, starts to unlock some of those deep beliefs of unworthiness at a deeper level in the brain. - Elisha Goldstein

156. Reconditioning Memory de-consolidation – re-consolidation “Light up” neural networks of problematic memory Cause neural networks to fall apart temporarily and instantly rewire by: Juxtaposing positive memory that directly contradicts or disconfirms; Focused attention on juxtaposition of both memories held in simultaneous dual awareness Causes the falling apart and the rewiring

157. Reconditioning Anchor in present moment awareness Resource with acceptance and goodness Start with small negative memory “Light up the networks” Evoke positive memory that contradicts or disconfirms Simultaneous dual awareness (or toggle) Refresh and strengthen positive Let go of negative Rest in, savor positive Reflect on shifts in perspective

158. Wished for Outcome Evoke memory of what did happen Imagine new behaviors, new players, new resolution Hold new outcome in awareness, strengthening and refreshing Notice shift in perspective of experience, of self

159. Relational Intelligence Reaching out and asking for help Setting limits and boundaries Negotiating change Resolving conflicts Repairing ruptures Forgiveness http://lindagraham-mft.net/wp-content- uploads/2013/12/Relational-Intelligence.pdf

160. Receiving/Reaching Out for Help Self-compassion for human vulnerability Identify behaviors, resources that would be helpful Ask for help (don’t rely on mind-reading) Receive help; take in the good If help not available, seek other resources

161. Setting Limits and Boundaries Permission to assert request without aggression or collapse; Dance of Anger Cultivate mindful empathy for self and other State values, needs, desires State the limit and consequences (When practicing, partner accepts limit)

162. Negotiating Change Code to initiate dialogue; agreement to follow protocol Speaker states topic, then shares experience, progressing from perceptions of behaviors to emotional needs, fears, desires Listener listens; no debate, defense, rebuttal Summary of concern

163. Negotiating Change, part 2 Speaker identifies three behaviors he/she is willing to do to address emotional needs Speaker identifies three behaviors partner can do to address emotional needs Each chooses one; must be specific, positive, within defined time frame Each acknowledges when other does the new behavior

164. Resolving Conflicts Acknowledge conflict Identify possible misunderstandings, mis- perceptions Take responsibility for your part in conflict Convey your responsibility to other; ask them to reflect on their responsibility for their part Brainstorm possible solutions; come to agreement

165. Repairing Ruptures Focus on repairing the relationship, not on right v. wrong Value of relationship, motivation to repair Mindful empathy for each other Share experiences, not opinions Convey understanding of experience, care for person Re-engage from more resonant space

166. Forgiveness - I For the many ways that I have hurt and harmed myself, that I have betrayed or abandoned myself, out of fear, pain, and confusion, through action or inaction, in thought, word or deed, knowingly or unknowingly… I extend a full and heartfelt forgiveness. I forgive myself. I forgive myself.

167. Forgiveness - II For the ways that I have hurt and harmed you, have betrayed or abandoned you, caused you suffering, knowingly or unknowingly, out of my pain, fear, anger, and confusion… I ask for your forgiveness, I ask for your forgiveness.

168. Forgiveness - III For the many ways that others have hurt, wounded, or harmed me, out of fear, pain, confusion, and anger… I have carried this pain in my heart long enough. To the extent that I am ready, I offer you forgiveness. To those who have caused me harm, I offer my forgiveness, I forgive you.

169. Forgiveness is not an occasional act; It is a permanent attitude. -Martin Luther King, Jr.

170. In every community, there is work to be done. In every nation, there are wounds to heal. In every heart, there is the power to do it. - Marianne Williamson

171. Mindfulness Focused attention on present moment experience without judgment or resistance. - Jon Kabat-Zinn

172. Mindfulness comes to the West Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Mindful Schools Mindfulness in government Mindfulness in the military Mindfulness in business Mindfulness: cover story in Time magazine

173. Mindfulness Pause, become present Notice and name Step back, dis-entangle, reflect Monitor and modify Shift perspectives; shift states Discern options Choose wisely – let go of unwholesome, cultivate wholesome

174. Notice and Name Increasingly complex objects of awareness: Sensations as sensations Emotions as emotions Cascades of emotions as cascades Thoughts as thoughts Patterns of thoughts as patterns States of mind as states of mind Identities, belief systems and identities as Mental contents, patterns of neural firing Awareness itself- a vast sky that clouds and storms pass through

176. Affectionate Breathing Sit comfortably; breathe slowly and gently. Incline your awareness toward your breathing with tenderness and curiosity Let the body breathe itself; notice the natural nourishing and soothing of the body Feel the whole body breathe Allow the body to be gently rocked by the breath Savor the stillness and peace in the body

177. Soles of the Feet Stand up; feel soles of feet on the floor Rock back and forth, rock side to side Make little circles with your knees Walk slowly; notice changes in sensations Offer gratitude to your feet that support your entire body, all day long

179. Imagine walking down the street Notice someone you know walking toward you Wave “hello!” There’s no response. Notice your response to the lack of response The person notices you and waves “hello!” Notice your response to the response Notice any differences in your responses

181. Mindfulness Dissolves the Stuff of “Self” Quantum physics investigates matter Matter is more space than stuff Mindfulness investigates “I” Self is not static or fixed; is ever-changing, ever-unfolding True Self is flow of beingness

182. Breathing into Infinity Anchor awareness in your breathing, and in the awareness that lets you know you’re breathing Expand awareness to include people near you, other people you know; people you don’t know in this town, region, country, all over the planet – all breathing, and the awareness that lets you know Expand awareness to include animals, plants, birds, fish. The earth itself: land, air, ocean – all breathing, and the awareness that holds it all Return to awareness of your breathing, in this moment and place, and of your awareness

183. Brahma Viharas Loving Kindness Compassion Sympathetic Joy Equanimity Send and receive wishes to and from your partner

184. Pre-Frontal Cortex Toggles back and forth between focused and defocused modes of processing Integration of two modes; integration of right and left hemispheres, integration of higher and lower brain Deeper brain functioning; brain itself more reslient

185. Shifting Perspectives in Nature BELLY BOTANY Select a one square foot patch of earth. Observe patch from two feet away/above for two minutes. (light and shadow, movement and stillness, beauty and decay, life and death) Shift your view to the larger landscape, all the way to the horizon. Reflect on shift in perspective.

186. Autobiography in Five Short Chapters – Portia Nelson I I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost…I am helpless It isn’t my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out.

187. II I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I’m in the same place But, it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

188. III I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in…it’s a habit My eyes are open, I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

189. IV I walk down the same street There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. V I walk down another street. -Portia Nelson

190. Linda Graham, MFT linda@lindagraham-mft.net www.lindagraham-mft.net Bouncing Back Rewiring the Brain for Resilience and Well-Being K Events, Brisbane, Australia September 3-4, 2015