1. CM 220 Unit 7 Seminar - Conciseness

2. What’s wrong here? It was after she was hired and began working at her current job, that Jessica discovered she was required within her job duties to produce weekly reports every week that outlined a list of all the sales she successfully completed with customers during the week.

3. Wordy: Tending to use, using, or expressed in more words than are necessary to convey meaning. (The Free Online Dictionary, http://www.thefreedictionary.com/Wordiness)

4. How to fix it? Look for repetitious words or concepts Look for unnecessary modifiers Change phrases into single words Eliminate unnecessary “that” or “which” clauses Avoid phrases that begin with “it is” or “there is”

5. How to fix it? Change passive to active voice Omit words that phrases that contain unnecessary or obvious detail

6. Original: It was after she was hired and began working at her current job Revision: When she began her job, Original: that Jessica discovered she was required within her job duties to produce weekly reports every week that outlined a list of all the sales she successfully completed with customers during the week. Revision: Jessica discovered she must produce weekly sales reports. From Wordy to Concise

7. Another one ORIGINAL: It was a shortage of checkers in the lines at the grocery store on Saturday, which was a busy day, that caused the grocery store’s customers to become unhappy with the store’s service. REVISED: Customers became unhappy with the grocery store’s service because of a checker shortage on a busy Saturday.

8. And one more ORIGINAL: In accordance with your request and considering the fact that I am closing my account that serves as a checking account, I have as you requested enclosed for your review a copy of the unused checks that were remaining within my checkbook. REVISED: As you asked, I am returning my unused checks for my closed checking account.

9. Circumlocutions Expressions that take several words to say something that could be said with fewer words Examples: At this point in time In light of the fact that Have the opportunity to Concerning the manner of Now Because Can About CircumlocutionConcise Alternative

10. Redundancy Repetition or overlapping, especially with words. Examples below: end results final outcome past history free gift terrible tragedy results outcome history gift tragedy Redundant Pairs Concise Alternatives

11. Redundant Categories Pink in color Large in size In a confused state Honest in character Of a cheap quality Pink Large Confused Honest Cheap RedundantConcise Alternative

12. REVISE: During that period in time, many people who were women liked to buy dresses that were pink in color and small in size.

13. Possible revision ORIGINAL: During that period in time, many people who were women liked to buy dresses that were pink in color and small in size. REVISION: At that time, many women preferred small, pink dresses.

14. Any questions?