1. 1 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute Authentic Connection To Self & Others Relationality

2. 2 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute Self – feelings, wants, needs a warm feeling toward self (Self-Esteem) Others Empathy in touch with others’ feelings, Assertiveness speak out and negotiate accountably Vulnerability - resonate with one another’s humanity

3. 3 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute 1 - We Are Designed To Be Relational Intimate connectedness is our birthright and optimal state. The “cure” for addiction and emotional problems is intimacy.

4. 4 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute Being Relational Is A Practice Intimacy isn’t something you have, it’s something you do. Intimacy is a minute-by-minute practice.

5. 5 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute Self-esteem – Grandiosity and Toxic Shame One Up - Grandiosity One Down – Toxic Shame HEALTH The Core Energy in Both is Contempt

6. 6 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute Boundaryless to Walled off Walled off Boundary less HEALTH Connected – not Protected Protected – not Connected Protected and Connected

7. THE RELATIONSHIP GRID

8. 8 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute Relationship Grid Grandiosity Shame Boundaryless (love dependent) Walled Off (love avoidant) Adapted from The New Rules of Marriage by Terry Real Boundaryless and one up Boundaryless and one downWalled off and one down Walled off and one up

9. 9 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute Relationship Grid Passive-aggression Indifference “You’re not worthy” Control Anger Desperation Manipulation Resignation Withdrawal Depressed Adapted from The New Rules of Marriage by Terry Real Grandiosity Shame Boundaryless (love dependent) Walled Off (love avoidant) Boundaryless and one up Boundaryless and one downWalled off and one down Walled off and one up Health

10. 10 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute Relationship Grid MEANESS / ENTITLEMENT VIOLENCE DESPERATION DEPRESSION Adapted from The New Rules of Marriage by Terry Real Grandiosity Shame Boundaryless (love dependent) Walled Off (love avoidant) Boundaryless and one up Boundaryless and one down Walled off and one down Walled off and one up Health

11. 11 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute Disempowerment > shame False empowerment > grandiosity

12. 12 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute Recovery from love avoidance means learning to ENGAGE

13. 13 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute Empathy Assertiveness Vulnerability

14. 14 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute “There is no relationship without voice and no voice without relationship” – Carol Gilligan Empathy and assertiveness

15. 15 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute Character TRAITS are seen as SKILLS

16. 16 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute RELATIONALITY IS CHARACTER TRANSFORMING

17. 17 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute THE OPPORTUNITY SHAPING OUR RELATIONSHIPS