2. Christian Principles of Dating I. What are some of the things that complicate the issue of dating in our day? A. Dating is not specifically discussed in the Bible. 1. In Bible times children had very little to do with the choice of whom they married.

3. 2. They learned to love their betrothed during the espousal period, which was a period of a year prior to the marriage. 3. There was no experimental dating, as we know it today. B. Children see a totally wrong view of sex and male/female relationships on TV, in the movies and among schoolmates.

4. C. Parents themselves have had no teaching on biblical principles that might apply to the dating scene. D. Some parents think that matchmaking and early dating is cute and they foster it or promote it early in their child’s life. E. Parents find it difficult to resist the persuasions of their own teenagers.

5. II. What are some biblical concepts that apply to this area of dating and relationships? A. God wants us to be free from any premarital sexual encounters and promiscuity (I Th. 4:3-8). Sexual immorality by biblical definition includes the following: 1. Idolatry, which is exalting someone or something else above God (Col. 3:5-7).

6. 2. Licentiousness sometimes translated “lewdness”, which is the stirring up of sensual desires (e.g. kissing, petting, inappropriate touching, indecent bodily movements, even homosexual acts, See: I Pet. 4:1-6; II Pet. 2:7; Eph. 4:17-24). 3. Passion of lust (Col. 3:5-6; I Th. 4:5). 4. Evil Desires (Col. 3:5-6; Rom. 7:8) 5. Fornication, which is any form of sex before marriage (I Cor. 6:13, 18-20; Gal. 5:19).

7. B. God does want us to get married, but some how He wants us to do so without sinning in the process. 1. The example of Mary and Joseph (Mt. 1:18). They were betrothed or engaged to be married, but they did not come together in a sexual way until after they were married.

8. 2. When we take advantage of another person sexually outside of marriage, the Bible speaks of this as defrauding them (I Th. 4:6). Defrauding is “using, taking advantage of or injuring” someone else for your own gratification. It involves taking something that does not belong to you.

9. C. The romantic desires that we have within us are given to us by God and are meant to push us toward marriage, which is part of God’s eternal purpose (Pro. 5:15-20). 1. These desires must be brought under the control of the Holy Spirit (I Tim. 5:1-2; I Th. 4:7-8). 2. These desires can only be righteously fulfilled in marriage (Pro. 5:15-20, NLT).

10. III. What is the difference between God’s pattern for developing relationships and Satan’s pattern? God’s pattern for developing relationships is the exact opposite of Satan’s pattern. A. Man’s Nature—A triune being Man is a three part being consisting of spirit, soul and body (I Th. 5:23). The spirit is the God-conscious part of man, the soul is the self-conscious part of man and the body is the sense or world conscious part of man.

11. B. Satan’s Pattern—Body, Soul and Spirit When Satan establishes relationship with man he starts from the body or sense realm (good for food), moves to the soul realm (desire to make one wise) so that he can possess the spirit of man. C. God’s Pattern—Spirit, Soul and Body God’s pattern is exactly the opposite. He begins relating to man by possessing his spirit, moving from there to the soul and finally touching the physical body of man.

12. IV. How does God’s pattern for relationships translate into a pattern for dating relationships? A. Satan’s dating plan leads to death. 1. The relationship starts in the physical realm. 2. Hopefully, the relationship moves to the soul realm, however, it often never does.

13. 3. The relationship is based on the physical. a. This is why physical beauty and the retention of it is so important to people. b. This is why sexual experimentation is seen to be necessary to “keep the marriage alive.”

14. B. God’s dating plan leads to life. 1. The relationship starts by being one in the spirit. a. A Christian could never marry someone that is not a Christian because there can be no unity of spirit (II Cor. 6:14). b. If you cannot marry an unbeliever, you must not date an unbeliever.

15. c. We must begin all relationships with the opposite sex as brothers and sisters in Christ. d. Activities that promote a unity of the spirit include church services, youth group, Bible studies, group fellowship, and Christian service projects.

16. 2. The second level of relationship is being one in the soul realm. a. This involves becoming one in our mind, will and emotions. b. This could be described as cultivating deepening levels of friendship. The levels of relationship include: i. Acquaintances ii. Casual Friends iii. Close Friends iv. Intimate Friends

17. c. It is when the relationship reaches the “close friend” level that you are in a position to begin exploring the idea of marriage. d. Activities in this period should be limited to non-romantic type activities that still involve others, family members and friends (sports, hobbies, family outings, and group activities).

18. 3. The third level involves the coming together in the physical realm. This realm is reserved for after marriage.

19. V. What are the principles that should govern the dating process? A. Principle #1 – Submission to God We must yield all of our desires, values, actions and decisions to God. His will must be sought. B. Principle #2 – Covering We must seek the counsel and confirmation of those over us as a practical way of measuring our responsiveness to authority.

20. C. Principle #3 – Responsibility We must recognize that God holds us accountable for how we relate to others. We must also recognize that good relationships do not just happen by chance. We must be willing to take responsibility for the progress or status of the relationship.

21. D. Principle #4 – Commitment We must maintain a loyalty to God, to both sets of parents and to the other person as a brother or sister in Christ whether or not the relationship leads to marriage. Commitment to them suggests that what we do in this relationship is in the best interest of all parties involved.

22. E. Principle #5 – Sensitivity We must at all times be considerate of the needs, opinions and values of the other person putting their wellbeing ahead of one’s own. F. Principle #6 – Expectations We must yield our expectations of the other person to God. Unrealistic expectations are caused by seeking to receive, desiring others to meet your needs and focusing on how someone else can please you.

23. G. Principle #7 – Control We must monitor the emotional level of the relationship by limiting the factors that accelerate the relationship—time, words and actions. H. Principle #8 – Timing We must be willing to pace the relationship to allow it to grow naturally over a longer period of time.

24. I. Principle #9 – Mutuality We must communicate openly about the relationship to ensure that both parties involved are on the same level in terms of commitment, direction and goals. J. Principle #10 – Love We must at all times follow the dictates of true “agape” love as described in I Corinthians 13 and keep the other person’s best interests in mind.

25. K. Principle #11 – Assumptions We must avoid making assumptions in the relationship based on feelings, body language and what others say and commit to open sharing to clarify perceptions. L. Principle #12 – Communication We must promote interpersonal understanding and commitment by an honest and meaningful exchange on a wide range of areas.

26. VI. Parent’s relationship and involvement in the dating process. A. Parents are the child’s direct covering until the child gets married. Therefore they should be actively involved in the process. B. Parents should not promote the idea of matching children up in their early years.

27. C. Parents should be careful to show godly affection to all of their children as they grow through the stages of their life. D. Parents should instill certain things in their children early on about friendship. 1. How to choose friends. 2. How to make friends. 3. How to treat friends.

28. E. Parents should give their children specific guidelines for relating to the opposite sex before problems arise. 1. How to treat members of the opposite sex with respect? 2. What things are inappropriate in relating to the opposite sex? 3. The importance of modesty in dress. 4. The dangers and consequences of improper sexual activity.

29. 5. How to deal with hormones (sex education)? 6. What is their personal philosophy and timeline for one-on-one dating? 7. What the Bible teaches about sexual activity outside of marriage?

30. F. Parents should encourage their young people to develop a wide range of wholesome relationships. 1. Providing a safe haven for their friends. 2. Planning gender-neutral activities for their friends. 3. Encouraging participation in wholesome group activities.

31. G. Parents should give their children specific guidelines for their social activities. 1. When should they be home (curfew)? 2. With whom are they going? 3. Where are they going? 4. What will they be doing? 5. Who is responsible? Who is chaperoning?

32. 6. Who is driving or providing transportation?

33. H. Parents should guide their children through the dating process when the time is appropriate for such a relationship. 1. Both parents should grant permission for a dating relationship to start. 2. Parents should regulate time and relationship factors. 3. Parents should monitor the dating process with accountability questions.

34. 4. Parents should give positive feedback for wise decisions.

35. I. Parents must be willing to step into relationships that are developing in an improper way. J. Parents must avoid trying to relive their lives through their young people.