1. Author as Audience Personal Narratives in Game Design Caelyn Sandel, 2014

2. What’s in a Game?

4. At the heart of the “What is a game” argument is a sense of entitlement : the belief that games should be written for gamers. “If I am not the audience for a video game, then it is not a video game. Stop talking about it.”

5. DIARY GAMES are a genre of video game designed primarily to express the author’s thoughts or experiences. The author of a diary game* is often part of the game’s target audience, and may be the target audience in its entirety. For many diary game authors, there is value not only in releasing the work, but in creating it. * NOTE: Not all personal game authors would be comfortable with this term. I use it here mostly out of convenience and to highlight the personal nature of the games under discussion.

6. David S. Gallant created the viral diary game I Get This Call Every Day for the purpose of “expressing my frustrations with a daily job that’s making me feel less like a human being every day.”

7. "I asked for some outside advice. A lot of it was about making it more of a game, but the more I made it a game, the less it was coming back to the whole point of it all. I Get This Call Every Day has a message. It's trying to tell you something. Adding more callers or allowing you to jump into different points of the conversation kind of takes away from that.“ -David S. Gallant Making Diary Games more ‘gamelike’ can be detrimental to the purpose of the game’s existence:

8. Many Diary Games are by QUILTBAG or MOGII people. The first one I played and still one of my favorites: by Anna Anthropy is a game about being trans and going on Hormone Replacement Therapy via tiny WarioWare style minigames.

9. Some of the games have a clear goal and gameplay, though winning or losing do not matter in terms of story progression.

10. Some of the games seem to have a clear goal but are literally impossible to ‘win’.

11. “I interviewed with NPR last week and the host was really interested in knowing why I chose to tell this story as a videogame over any other form. The answer is that you get a tremendous level of empathy out of actually forcing the player to participate in the frustration that I had to deal with, in forcing her to act out an unwinnable scenario. It was absolutely the right stage for such a personal story.” - Anna Anthropy

12. Forced Helplessness. Gamers who see video games as power fantasy hate being forced to do things. “What, you want to leave me death threats? Go for it! Games are about feeling powerful, and about you getting your way!” -Leigh Alexander, Review of GTA V* Diary Games demand that a player relinquish their agency in order to experience empathy with the primary audience: The Author.

13. Twine node map for Connected Kit Episode 3 by Caelyn Sandel (me) Most story games seek to grant a sense of freedom, agency, and exploration.

14. Twine node map for Cis Gaze by Caelyn Sandel (still me) Many Diary Games do the opposite, instead using gaming conventions to give the player a feeling of participation while explicitly restricting their freedom.

15. Not all ‘personal experience’ games are linear, however, and not all are a direct personal story. Zoë Quinn’s Depression Quest features branching narratives and a fictional protagonist, but still communicates helplessness to the player by displaying inaccessible actions that the player character could access if only they were less depressed.

16. Why? No one who writes a game for or about themselves does so for the exact same reasons as anyone else. Most such games exist to do one or more of these: Provide catharsis or relief for the author Tell the story of an experience or experiences Externalize or clarify a complex mental state Commiserate with others suffering the same Educate the unfamiliar Some game authors may find the most value in writing the game. Some value the response they receive after releasing a game. Others may never release theirs at all.

17. Gersande: borderline was for me but it was also really important to show it also for me Caelyn: how so? Gersande: i think a lot of the problems i have with myself are because i don't validate myself or think i'm important. or even i just don't have any self compassion. so when people respond nicely to this kinda work, where a bit of my problems and brain are out in the open i think it helps make me realise that maybe i am worth compassion or value even chatlog with Gersande La Flèche author of BORDERLINE presented with permission

18. Play them. To best understand the value of personal narrative games, Maddox Pratt’s Anhedonia Gaming Pixie’s What’s in a Name?

19. ncase’s Coming Out Simulator Mattie Brice’s Mainichi

20. Should I Make a Diary Game?

21. YES.

22. Should I Make a Diary Game? YES. It feels good It doesn’t have to take very long You don’t have to be a programmer You don’t have to release your game to the public It doesn’t have to be about something “important enough”

23. Should I Make a Diary Game? YES. It feels good It doesn’t have to take very long You don’t have to be a programmer You don’t have to release your game to the public It doesn’t have to be about something “important enough” You are amazing and deserve to be the protagonist of your own game. THIS IS FOR YOU.

24. Thank you for listening and playing and writing.

25. Games Referenced: Externalizing the Internal: Anhedonia by Maddox Pratt http://mkopas.net/files/anhedonia/ anhedonia.html BORDERLINE by Gersande la Fleche http://gersande.itch.io/borderline Cis Gaze by Caelyn Sandel http://philome.la/inurashii/cis- gaze Depression Quest by Zoe Quinn http://www.depressionquest.com/ Relating Experiences or Incidents: Dys4ia by Anna Anthropy http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/591565 Mainichi by Mattie Brice http://www.mattiebrice.com/mainichi/ Coming Out Simulator by ncase http://ncase.itch.io/coming-out-simulator-2014 What's in a Name? by Gaming Pixie http://www.gamingpixie.com/twine/name.html I Get This Call Every Day by David S Gallant http://www.davidsgallant.com/igtced.html All images belong to the authors of the games above and are used in this presentation for educational and informative purposes only.

26. Some more links David Gallant Interviews http://www.thestar.com/news/gta/2013/01/29/tax_agency _employee_creates_online_game_to_vent_his_frustration_ with_taxpayers.html http://www.polygon.com/features/2013/3/7/4071136/he- got-fired-for-making-a-game-i-get-this-call Anna Anthropy interview http://www.gamesforchange.org/2012/03/anna-anthropy- interview/ Review of GTA V*, by Leigh Alexander http://leighalexander.net/review-of-gta-v/