1. Maintaining Close and Intimate Relationships Your soul is your relationship with other people. What you say and do does not die. Tom Wolfe

2. Prototypes of love Love for our first caregivers- a child’s love for a parent (essential for building trust) Love for those who depend on us- parent’s love for a child Passionate desire for sexual, physical, & emotional closeness with another- romantic love

3. Signs of love Mutual gazing Cuddling Kissing Skin-to-skin contact Touching body parts considered private Oxytocin released at climax as well as nursing- enhances bonding

4. The universal need for love

5. Core virtue of humanity- the capacity to tend & befriend others Capacity to love and be loved- valuing close relations with others, reciprocity Kindness- generosity, nurturance, care, compassion, altruistic love Social intelligence- emotional intelligence, knowing how to fit into different social situations

6. Secure attachment- prototype for future relationships Attachment- emotional link that bonds people over time Healthy secure attachment is fostered by responsive, speedy interactions as parents respond to babies’ signals Maladaptive parental behaviors can result in insecure attachment patterns

7. Infancy experiences set us up for later relational patterns

8. Problems related to poor attachment Problems for a child relating to adults Poorer coping styles Problems coping with parents’ absence Later relationship problems Emotional disorders Conduct disorders

10. Secure attachments predicts: More positive internal model of self & others Self perceptions as competent, appealing, loveable Concepts of caregivers as accessible, responsive, consistent- they see the world as safe and others as reliable self-reinforcing Better emotional regulation, curiosity, willingness to ask for help from others Comfortable with others, lack of anxiety re: abandonment/ rejection Better general coping with life stresses, better adjusted

11. Love energizes self development

12. Developing true intimacy means taking risks Only through exposing one’s vulnerability can one be open to trusting another & recognizing his/her trustworthiness Sex without emotional intimacy becomes goal-driven performance Couples don’t always agree on what is satisfying sexually, however Resolution of conflict can be managed with : Neutrality- respecting the good intentions of the other, taking personal responsibility for one’s own needs Mutuality- working toward a mutual cause- satisfaction for both parties, as partners try to please and be pleased Key is full & honest communication

13. Healthy relationships require balance of closeness & separation

14. Aspects of the healthy relationship Honest and open communication builds trust Don’t assume your partner should be able to read your mind, or you can read his/her mind Partners need to be aware of old relationship garbage & strive not to impose it on new partners Both partners should remain individuals with separate interests, goals Sexual commitment involves sexual responsibility on both parties Protection against unwanted pregnancy, STDs

15. How can you optimize your relationships? Minding relationships Mutual knowing of the other as well as acceptance can produce synchrony of thought, feeling occurs Maintaining a sense of being unique & appreciated in the relationship Creating a culture of appreciation Magic ratio of successful marriages: 5:1 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative Without positive expectations of the partner, contempt breaks down the relationship Expressing gratitude for small acts creates a culture of gratitude Trying to avoid the 4 Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling Capitalizing on positive events Telling the partner about good things in one’s life & allowing him/her to celebrate with you Active/constructive responses amplify the pleasure of a happy event\ Some people are negative, projecting their own negativity on you- in which case they are not safe people to share good fortune with