1. Love in Interpersonal Relationships1

2. What is Love? Text pages 572-574
Robert Sternberg’s Three Ingredients
1. Intimacy
-Sharing, communication, mutual support, trust
2. Passion
Not just physical, also emotional
3. Commitment
Long-term focus 2

3. Sternberg’s Ingredients
All Three are needed!
Only intimacy, you have friendship
Only passion, you have infatuation/lust
Only commitment, you have empty love
But how can we account for the different types of love people experience? 3

4. Six Types of Love From Lee (1976)4

5. The Theory of Love Types
1. We have all of these 6 “love types” in our relationships
2. What separates us is the degrees of each (each person is different)
3. Degrees can change with time
In 10 years, #6 is largest / #4 is smallest
4. Every relationship we have may differ:
In your first relationship, you are insecure & passionate
(Because s/he was non-committal & sexual)
In your next, you are calm & relaxed
(Because s/he was nurturing and warm)
Key: Others make us who we are in relationships 6 1 5 2 4 3 11

6. 1) Eros Love Highly passionate, sexual, & intense Often Believe in:
Love as Magical
Love as fate
Love at first sight
Very “American”
Movie: Titanic / Romeo and Juliet / Ghosts / Sweet Home Alabama / Natural Born Killers / Princess Bride / Sleepless in Seattle / Snow White, Sleeping Beauty & Cinderella
Hollywood loves eros love! 5

7. 2) Ludus Love The “Players” love Will often:
Keep their passions in check
Avoid trouble and intensity
Feel uncomfortable about commitment
Keep secrets
Have affairs
Remember, we all have a little ludus in us
When a relationship gets too intense (or is no longer fun), they leave
Movie: Great Expectations / St. Elmo’s Fire / Cruel Intentions / Dangerous Liaisons
Hollywood’s Formula: Ludus plays with Eros--Eros is crushed 6

8. 3) Storge Love Peaceful and slow Friendship is key This love . . .
Not passionate and intense
Friendship is key
Difficult to separate from friendships
This love . . .
Develops over time
Endures long periods of inactivity or excitement
Lacks the heat of eros and the games of ludus
Movie: Harry Met Sally / The Wedding Singer / My Best Friends Wedding / Shrek / You’ve Got Mail / Beauty and the Beast / 2 Weeks Notice / How To Lose A Guy / Tootsie 7

9. 4) Pragma Love Practical Looking for “types”
Parents, $, race, nationality, family, etc.
Love is logical & More stable
Not magical, but rational
Movie: Pretty Woman / Bridges of MC / As Good As It Gets / Shakespeare in Love / Big Fat Greek Wedding / Grease / Maid in Manhattan / Notting Hill
Hollywood Formula: Woman settles for pragma love--but is unhappy 8

10. 5) Mania Love Extreme highs and lows
Jealousy
Obsessive
Self-worth comes from the relationship
Nothing else matters
Movie: Fatal Attraction / Something About Mary / American Beauty / The Crush / Memento / Taxi Driver / Swim Fan
Hollywood Formula: slashing tires, stalking, going into exile, drinking, etc.. 9

11. 6) Agape (Alan) Love This love is . . .
Compassionate
Selfless
Egoless
No concern for personal reward or gain
Want the best for the other person
Movie: Forrest Gump / Man Love a Women / John Q / Casablanca / 10

12. Test Time Take out pen and paper Number your paper from 1 to 24
Select one relationship to analyze
Past or Present
Be honest---these will NOT be collected!
Answer each True or False
For each write which type of Love Ex. 1=Eros 12

13. 1) My lover and I have the perfect physical chemistry between us
2) I feel that my lover and I were truly meant for each other (fate)
3) My lover and I really understand each other (soul mates)
4) My lover fits my ideal standards of physical beauty (my idea of a “10”)
5) I try to keep my lover a little uncertain about my commitment to him/her
6) I believe that what my lover doesn’t know about me won’t hurt him/her (I keep secrets)
Love??

14. 7) It is important that our relationship is fun and exciting
8) When my lover gets too dependent on me, I want them to back off
9) To be genuine, love must develop over time (not an over-night thing)
10) I expect to always be friends with my lover
11) Our love is really a deep friendship, not a mysterious, mystical emotion
12) Our love is the most satisfying because it developed from, and is based on, a deep caring relationship
Too Sappy

15. 13) In choosing my lover, I believed it was best to love someone with a similar background
14) A main consideration in choosing my lover was whether my family would approve
15) An important factor in choosing a partner is whether or not he/she would be a good parent
16) One consideration in choosing my lover was what career he/she selected
17) When things aren’t right with my lover and me, my stomach gets upset
18) Sometimes I get so excited about being in love with my lover that I can’t sleep
I Don’t Get It?

16. 20) I cannot relax if I suspect that my lover is with someone else
19) When my lover doesn’t pay attention to me, I feel sick all over (emotionally, physically, etc.)
20) I cannot relax if I suspect that my lover is with someone else
21) I try to always help my lover through difficult times
22) I would rather suffer myself than let my lover suffer
23) When my lover gets angry with me, I still love him/her fully and unconditionally
24) I would endure all things for the sake of my lover
Gotta Love the 80s

17. Calculating the Results:
Statements
1-4 are Eros
5-8 are Ludus
9-12 are Storge
13-16 are Pragma
17-20 are Manic
21-24 are Agapic
Highlight your high and low brackets
3 to 4 “Trues or Falses” are Markers
Not All Love Is Healthy Love 13

18. Now What? 1) What do these findings tell you about yourself?
Illuminate Mistakes?
Illuminate Successes?
Do you wish you could make different decisions about love?
2) Do it again with another “love” in mind
See how they differ
3) Have your boy/girlfriend take the test with you 14

19. General Findings I. National Findings on Love Test
A. Men: Eros and Luduc
B. Women: Manic, Pragma, and Stroge
C. Age and Evolution
Eros and Mania are “young” loves
In time, couples grow into Stroge and Agape love
YUK!!

20. General Research II. National Statistics on Love and Sex
A. Infatuations
First infatuation (W: 13 / M: 13.6)
First love (W: 17.1/ M: 17.6)
B. Gender and Virginity—Women Sooner
Average age for 1st time sex: 16 W / 17 M
% of virgins years: 6.2% W / 10.8% M
Notice: Sex comes before love
Note: Since “oral sex” is not considered “sex,” figures are misleading
Many still consider themselves “virgins” even after multiple oral partners 15

21. General Research III. Romantic Love (believe it or not)
A. Married men have a more romantic concept of love than their wives
Men believe in love at first sight more
More men believe love can overcome anything
B. Twice as many women would marry for reasons other than love
In 1965, 75% of women said they would marry a man they did not love if he fit the bill in other ways
Today, only about 10% of American women say they would (Whitehead, 2003)
49% in Indians
51% in Pakistan 16

22. III. Romantic Love (cont.)
C. After divorce, Men are more likely to get re-married
And sooner
D. Married men are psychologically and physically healthier, but not so for women
Reason 1: Without their wives, most men have no support system and no one to talk to about life’s stresses
Men are 8 times more likely to commit suicide after divorce
Reason 2: Women do most of the work in most relationships (even when both are working outside the home)

23. General Findings IV. Age, Love, and Sex (1999 AARP Survey)
60% of couples years old report having sex once a week (the average for all couples)
20% over 75 report having sex once a week
After 50 years of age, men become more romantic; women become more sexually assertive
Majority of couples over 55 report finding their significant other more romantic and attractive
Beautiful Film