1. Chapter 15 Ending Relationships Disengagement and Termination

2. A few quotes to consider
This sucks! I can't think! I can't sleep! I can't eat! Is love supposed to hurt so?
The greatest experience we can ever have is usually not a welcomed one at that time.
It amazes me so that we enter a relationship whole and leave it only a half.
I looked in the mirror this morning, but I only saw me without you.
I see this pain as a blessing. At least I know I have experienced love—some people will never know such a blessing.
When we wear our heart on our sleeve, nobody notices our great butts!
If the government could tax broken hearts, there would be no deficit.

3. Why Relationships End Relationship endings are inevitable (why?)
85% of adults in US have experienced a romantic breakup.
Pain of losing a relationship is worse when it means losing identity, networks, emotional/sexual gratification, resources, even children
So why do relationships end?

4. 17-year study of married couples
Lack of communication #
Physical or psychological abuse **
Loss of love #
Not meeting family responsibilities **
Work problems
Infidelity ** (22%)
Incompatibility/lack of shared interests (19%)
Drinking/drugs **
Grew apart
Partner’s personality #
**Women more than men
**Women more than men;
# men more than women

5. Major Factors Infidelity and Interest in a Third Party Incompatibility
Forms of infidelity: Sexual, emotional, and both
Socio-evolutionary theory and gender differences
Available alternatives (social exchange theory)
Incompatibility
Personality similarity is a good thing
Discrepancy in attitudes and values tends to lead to breakups
Ethnic and age differences can be problematic
Differences in education, intelligence, and health
Differences in emotional involvement and sexual compatibility

6. Major Factors, cont. Alcohol & Drugs Growing apart Loss of love
Co-dependency
Growing apart
Gradual atrophy
Loss of love
Chronic dissatisfaction eats away at the positive feelings associated with love—feelings of joy, warmth, contentment, passion
Relationship disillusionment
Positive illusions fade

7. Communication as a cause
Emotional or Physical Withdrawal
Lack of support and listening
Demand-withdraw conflict patterns
Negative Communication
Poor conflict management
Negative emotional expression (e.g., contempt, sarcasm)
Lack of Openness and Intimacy
Abusive communication
Using communication as psychological abuse

8. Duck’s Phase Model Breakdown: Relationship Dissatisfaction
Threshold: “I can’t stand this anymore!!”
Phase 1: The Intrapsychic Phase
Threshold: “I’d be justified in withdrawing.”
Phase 2: The Dyadic Phase
Threshold: “This just won’t work.”
Phase 3: The Social Phase
Resurrection
Threshold: “It’s now inevitable.”
Phase 4: The Grave-Dressing Phase
Emotional Repair & Relationship Realignment
Resurrection

9. Knapp’s Staircase Model

10. Knapp’s Stages Differentiating Sample Dialogue:
Function: to restore individual identity and autonomy--(opposite of integrating)
Sample Dialogue:
“I hate going to parties.”
“I don’t understand that; I love to socialize.”
Circumscribing
Function: to avoid in-depth disclosure, personal communication (opposite of intensifying)
“Did you have a good day at work?”
“Yeah. What time will dinner be ready?”

11. Stagnating Function: to achieve psychological separation (communication is at a standstill) Sample Dialogue: “Let’s not get into this again.” “Yeah, it’s pointless to talk about it.” Avoiding Function: to achieve physical separation (sometimes as a testing ground) “Let’s take a break for a while.” “I’ll move my things out.”

12. “This isn’t working out.”
Terminating
Function: to break up while minimizing negative affect and negative consequences
Sample Dialogue:
“This isn’t working out.”
“Yes, it’s been coming for a long time… let’s break up…”

13. Catastrophe Theory
Some relationships do not gradually unwind through stages of dissolution, but end suddenly (“sudden death”).
In one study, about 25% of people reported their relationship ended because of a single critical event.
Such events include:
Infidelity
Serious arguments
Physical violence
The discovery of incompatibility

14. Strategies for Breaking Up
Unilateral (One person)
Bilateral (Both persons)
Avoidance
Relational Ruses
Withdrawal of Support/Affection
Pseudo de-escalation
Cost Escalation
Fading Away
Indirect
Direct Dump (fait accompli)
Dating other people
Relationship talk
Justifications
Threats/bullying
Positive tone
De-escalation
Blame Game
Negotiated Farewell
Direct
More likely to be friends
More likely to be friends
Can use just one or several

15. Negative Outcomes of Breakups
Negative Emotions
Loneliness
Financial Consequences
Effects on Children
Living with feuding parents vs. dealing with a divorce
Feeling “caught” between parents
The intergenerational transmission of divorce
Health Consequences

16. Positive Outcomes of Breakups
Personal Positives:
Sense of relief—threats are gone; ambiguity & conflict are over.
Increased self-sufficiency
Ability to handle life on one’s own
Relational Positives:
Knowing more about how to communicate with partners—not jumping into another relationship too quickly
Knowing more about how to develop, maintain, and terminate relationships

17. Positive Outcomes, cont.
Environmental Positives:
Being able to concentrate more on school, work,
and friends
Future Positives:
Knowing what you want (or do not want) in future relationships

18. Closing note…
All of these positives depend on the ability to reflect objectively on the relationship and its termination process.
Not to assign blame or justify, but to understand.
Paradoxically, part of the objectivity is understanding emotions.
Are you Angry? Hurt? Sad? Guilty? Resentful? Relieved?
Can you forgive? Can you ask for forgiveness?
Can you still be friends or at least appreciate the good in each other that initially attracted you?