1. Review From Last Week Intimacy stems from safety We need to be complete & “grown up” before we can achieve it (settle issues of identity before intimacy) Defenses can block intimacy Learn how to create (greater) safety between you & spouse- this is a key to developing intimacy Questions/Comments?...

2. I. A Husband Should… A Wife Should… What is it we are to be with our spouse? What does it mean to be a husband/wife? Who does what in this home? Or, What are the roles we each are to play?

3. II. What Are Your Roles? Who Does... the dishes the bills oil change in the car cut the grass grocery shop buy gifts clean the toilet

4. What Did Your Parents Do? The cultural and personal influences (family) seem to govern the division of chores in a marriage God does not care who does the dishes… or pays the bills

5. “USA Today” survey said that 82% of women whose husbands help around the house said they’d marry the same man over again… 49% of women overall said they’d marry the same man over again

6. III. What Does the Bible Say About Marital Roles?

7. Ephesians 5:21-28 And further, you should submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. You wives will submit to your husbands as you do to the Lord. For a husband is head of his wife as Christ is the head of the body, the church; he gave his life to be her Savior. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives must submit to your husbands in everything.

8. Ephesians 5: 21-28 (Continued) And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. In the same way husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife.

9. Submission Why do we cringe at the idea of submission? It does not mean “obey” in the strictest sense- that is reserved for children and slaves We are all called to submission- to God, to government, to Elders, to parents, to each other Submission in marriage means equality in partnership with different roles

10. Submission and Sin “Sin twisted this relationship- not because it brought headship and submission in existence- but because it twisted man’s humble, loving headship into hostile domination in some men and lazy indifference in others… sin didn’t create headship and submission, it twisted them and distorted them and made them ugly and destructive” John Piper

11. What Does Leadership Look Like? Like Christ, the Christian husband is to lead the way in demonstrating a humble commitment to God’s will rather than insisting on his own will (Phil. 2:5-8) Leading does not mean “proclaiming” as most men believe

12. What does Christ’s leadership of the Church look like? Died for her and makes her whole Looks out for her growth & best interests Provides resources for growth Protects her from the world Helps her to invest talents Heals hurts Takes her suffering on himself Supports her in trials Comes alongside her when she falls

13. In Order to Submit to One Another You Must... Know each other’s heart… interests, passions, desires, hopes, fears, longings, dreams… Do You?

14. Husbands think for a moment…Do you know her favorite: Vacation Place Movie Restaurant TV Show Kind of Novel Way of Relaxing Way of Working/Doing Tasks Way of celebrating something special Way of Receiving Love and Giving Love? Way of Being Approached for Sex?

15. Wives- Do You Know: His Favorite Food/Restaurant How He Has Fun What Makes Him Feel Good About Himself How He Would Prefer to Spend Some Extra Money How He Handles Stress How He Feels Respect From You When He Needs Your Help How He Would Prefer Your Love Life

16. How can we love like Christ loves, mutually submit to each other, lead like Christ led, truly be untied as one if we cannot answer simple questions about our spouse’s preferences in the little things… WE CAN’T- Get Behind Each Other’s Eyes to Really See the World as Your Spouse Does…Then We Can Better Live out the Roles God Calls us to

17. IV. Avoiding the Abuse of God’s Mandate The Issue of Control Beating Each Other up With Scripture… the Twisted Version to Meet our Needs and Convince Somebody to Change into Something I want… not What God Wants The Imbalance of Power

18. We rarely see a client in marriage therapy bring up the issue of submission unless a big part of the problem is a controlling husband- usually this husband wants control and not serve his wife- and he is in denial of his own controlling behavior

19. Submission It does not mean “obey” in the strictest sense- that is reserved for children and slaves Submission in marriage means equality in partnership with different roles Submission does not mean the husband is right Submission does not mean a wife gives up a voice- or puts her husband’s decisions above God’s will Submission appears to be an inclination and an attitude

20. Power in Marriage Successful Marriages have a sense of balance in felt power- emotional- practical

21. Men: How Are You Doing at Loving Your Wife? Have you left father & mother & bonded with her? Do you see wife as one with you in every phase of life? Are you providing loving leadership as Christ provides the church? Do you often sacrifice your own interests for your wife’s well-being? Do you tell her you love her? Do you talk about spiritual matters- pray often for her and with her?

22. Women: How Are You Doing at Loving Your Husband? Have you left father & mother and formed identity with your husband? Do you avoid using sex as a weapon to get your way? Do you show respect for your husband in attitude & actions? Do you do the little things that please him? Do you see yourself as a spiritual companion- praying for and with your husband?

23. Principles to Apply It’s not about submission- it’s about love… mutual sacrificial love… so great that your spouse would be thrilled to “submit” If your wife doesn’t submit, then you may not be loving the way Christ calls you to- or you may have issues with control you need to look at- The only clear role the Bible teaches is love, respect, and mutual submission