1. CARDS – “DATING GAME” Kate Ott

2. Balancing Behaviors with Relationship Quality  Provide various scenarios and have youth attach behaviors to “dating scenarios” based on the described qualities of the relationship and the time the two individuals have known each other.  Card game exercise - Learning objective – To better assess and articulate why we say “yes” and “no” to particular sexual behaviors. Use a variety of scenarios include same-sex/gender relationships, various age differences among couples, make it fit your context based on race, ethnicity, age, and circumstance of “dates.” Use similar scenarios, but change ages or time a couple has known each other to provide comparison discussions ALWAYS debrief decision-making in the group. Why did the group choose particular behaviors? Are different types of behaviors based on time you have known the person, previous behaviors with someone else, qualities of the relationship? CONSIDER debriefing how the group interacted in deciding about which cards to put down (e.g. did one person make all the decisions, did people push back, where was there quick consensus)

3. Directions  Lay all the cards out on a table or the floor.  Pick two or three group members, try to bring some diversity even to the small groups.  Give each small group a scenario and let them work through the “what happens” laying down cards in a play-by-play fashion (add time pressure so they move quickly which pushes certain decisions and even has them rely on knee-jerk or stereotypical decisions)  Note: you can choose to have a few blank cards to fill in if you want, but that adds to the time.  You can also ask other members to stay silent or allow them to lobby for certain cards.  This is a sociological exercise, not ‘what they would do?’ What they think often happens!  When time is up, ask the small group members to ask why they made the decisions that they did.  Invite feedback from the other members of the group.  Leader may add clarifying comments, but do not debrief each scenario.

4. Possible Scenarios  16 and 17 year old, male/female relationship, dating for six months, have been friends since freshman year, share interests and friends group. Are going to prom tonight? What happens?  Next group revises cards - 16 and 17 year old, male/female relationship, never dated, just met last week at a mutual friends party. Are going to prom tonight? What happens?  Freshman in high school, have been together for one month, planning what to do on a Friday after school  Next group revises cards - Freshman in High School, have been exclusive for 8 months, planning what to do on a Friday after school

5. Nuance the Scenarios  Use additional scenarios based on the context of the youth  mix ages but keep same gender (sophomore and senior) on the same sports team/club, started dating two months ago; then do the next scenario with the same ages.  Same age, same or different gender/sex – meeting at the mall after a facebook chat session  Different ages, same or different gender – first meeting at a big party  Add commitments  The couple has already talked about not engaging in PVI to prevent prengancy  One person has already had sexual intercourse of various kinds with previous partners  Both people have had previous partners and relationships  Neither person has ever had a same-sex partner

6. List of behaviors from ‘Dating Scenario’  Holding hands  Messaging through facebook  Talking about sex  Going out in a group of friends  Going out to eat  Cuddling  Go out to a movie  Cut class to see them  Heavy kissing clothes maybe off, underwear on  Mutual masturbation  Meet up after class  Dancing  Underwear off  Penile vaginal sexual intercourse  Talking dirty  Being together in your house with parents home  Being together in your house without parents home  Go to an un-chaperoned party  Drive around with Friends  Driving around together  Hugging  Watching TV  Watching sex on TV  Kissing  Oral Sex  Kissing and body rubbing (clothes on)  Dressing sexy  Anal sexual intercourse  Heavy kissing clothes on  Masturbating  Passing notes in class  Texting with them  Watching a movie at someone’s house  Call them your boyfriend or girlfriend  Talking on the phone  Discuss past sexual behaviors with other partners

7. Debrief from Card Exercise  Each card represents a “choice” – we are in control of those choices – it isn’t a slippery slope. (*FYI - if you are in a situation where you are being forced into choice you are not comfortable with, leave as soon as possible and/or report harassing and abusive behavior until someone listens and helps you).  Choices we make can make it easier or more difficult to stick with commitments we made to ourselves, our partner, our parents, and God.  FACTORS that usually affect sexual decisions (these are the same for adults):  The age of those involved,  quality of the relationship, and  how long the couple has been committed to each other  what prior commitments they made.

8. Thank you. Advocates for Youth www.advocates4youth.org Religious Institute www.religiousinstitute.org Sex, etc. www.sexetc.org Our Whole Lives www.facebook.com/pages/our-whole-lives