2. ed young. PhD 74 PART VIII B The Link Between Changing Criteria for Fulfillment and Inner Integration and Peace and the Process of Changing From Self Defeating Behavior to Self Enhancing Behavior. The art of detecting your inner criteria for fulfillment Compulsive behavior, addictions and mysterious criteria for fulfillment. Myriad inner processes guided or driven by criteria for fulfillment. Discovering patterns of behavior related to criteria for fulfillment in relationships and work. Multiple pseudo incorporated criteria for fulfillment. Learning to use brutal honesty while uncovering, expelling, recovering, and revising criteria for fulfillment. Using journalizing to uncover layers of criteria for fulfillment Uncovering the painful truth of discrepancies between one’s public and private personality and split levels of criteria for fulfillment. Finding alternatives to self defeating patterns perpetuated by unconscious criteria for fulfillment Envisioning and deciding to set the course of your life in accord with your recovered authentic criteria and newly revised criteria

3. ed young. PhD 75 The Art of Detecting Your Inner Criteria for Fulfillment –As you use the retroflexive think-aloud technique to search out your own hidden inner criteria for fulfillment related to troubling areas of your life, you have to be very still and meditative and wait and try to catch a glimpse or feeling for these illusive criteria and then try to put them and their history in your own words in your journal. This is difficult to do. Eventually you will begin to see these faulty Criteria for Fulfillment clearly and then begin to get a perspective on their effects on your life. Finally, you can begin to search out ways, especially during the therapy session, to change and deal with these self defeating criteria, their dynamics, and related behavior. –As you wait and muse, feelings and images will flit around the edges of awareness. Sometimes, as they enter awareness, they will come supercharged with emotion. This may make it difficult to arrest their motion and put them down on paper and utter them into a recorder. But, allow and encourage yourself to persist, to keeping returning to the central issue until you can write down and follow through on its significance for your life. The accompanying emotion is not irrelevant, but it usually leads to unproductive patterns of fantasizing. Once you have written the central scene or issue, you can examine those accompanying feelings. They can be turned into your teacher, telling you more about the significance of the event or issue and how it compels habitual, unproductive reaction patterns. You can now get a perspective on what needs to be changed.

4. ed young. PhD 76 – Assuming Identities to Please or Have an Effect on People in a Relationship or at Work. Life seems to be constantly revolving around some individuals, as though life or people are uniquely aware of them and have agendas or motives toward them that are unfavorable, or in some cases favorable. Their position in the situation, or relationships in the situation, seems always shaky. Their criteria for fulfillment then becomes finding ways to deal with their fears and insecurities, to appease or please these critical people, and disguise their true, unacceptable selves. –To this end, they develop identities, present images, to people in social or work groups. In new groups with new people, they will feel anxiety and a desire to escape. Those who feel inferior may also experience veiled resentment toward the group and those who feel superior may experience disdain for them, and sometimes a mixture of both. If you feel this applies to you, take time to reflect on those situations and your behavior and reactions. Try to identify what you felt the group was expecting of you, how you posed, how you felt, and then what you were intending to be or do so as to relieve the discomfort. With Retroflexive journalizing, trace back to early situations when this dynamic originated. Now differentiate between what you thought were the group’s reactions to you and what you projected onto or called out of the group. Using Reflexive and Retroflexive Techniques to Discover Patterns of Behavior Related to Criteria for Fulfillment in Relationships and Work

5. ed young. PhD 77 Dealing With Identity, Situational Identities, Self Concept: The Zelig Syndrome. How Peers, and Situational Identities Adopted for the Sake of Peers, Impose Overshadowing Criteria for Fulfillment Causing One to Feel Uncomfortable and Strangely Out of Character. Each situation calls for the self to be different from every other situation. Situations A, B, C, and D call for beliefs and behaviors and identities that are inconsistent with each other. If the people in A are opposed to the beliefs and behaviors in B and find out that Zelig’s identity has changed to fit in with B, they may call Zelig a phony or traitor and pressure or disown him or even laugh at him. The same would be true for inconsistencies and contradictions between adopted identities for all situations (A, B, C, D) that are in conflict. Zelig will feel spineless, worthless, hypocritical, fearful of being found out, and feeling as though he has no core, can never be himself, would rather be dead. He may also feel intense resentment to people in each situation as though they were the cause of his behavior and misery. Situation A Situation B Situation C Situation D Zelig’s Identity A Zelig’s identity B Zelig’s identity C Zelig’s identity D Now he asks: Who am I anyway?

6. ed young. PhD 78 Learning to Use Brutal Honesty While Uncovering, Expelling, Recovering, and Revising Criteria for Fulfillment –Typically criteria for fulfillment are subconscious because they do not need to be conscious. However, those that are related to ineffective and self defeating behavior are hidden and unconscious because one can not deal with a recognition of them. Sometimes this is because they are related to painful memories of traumas, sometimes because of things others have done to you that were negative but that you could not face, and sometimes because your own intentions and reactions were unacceptable to your conscience or implicit others. –Uncovering these hidden criteria, their related life experiences, and their relation to your current behavior is difficult and confusing. To get at them requires a commitment to uncompromising, brutal honesty with oneself about oneself and about others in your life. –The faith that you can now resolve the issue and unlearn old and learn new ways of relating and dealing with these difficult issues is what will sustain you. As you inch along this path, it will eventually become clear to you that this path leads to real solutions, to a new lease on life, though it comes bit by bit and step by step. The little successes along the way will encourage you to persist with patience and determination. –Eventually relentless, brutal honesty will begin to feel safe and rewarding as old yokes and harnesses are thrown off and inner, negative influences are expelled. –Beneath the expelled criteria are the lost, original criteria. Taking an objective, broader perspective on ineffective criteria opens the way to revised, effective criteria.

7. ed young. PhD 79 Using Journalizing to Uncover Layers of Criteria for Fulfillment in the Adult Layers of Public Self> Imposed or Adopted Criteria for Fulfillment Presented to the World Pages of One’s History Laid on Top of One Another. To Be Understood Must Be Read From Bottom to Top, Beginning to Present. Earliest Criteria for Fulfillment Earlier Criteria for Fulfillment Layers of Private Self Current, Operative Criteria for Fulfillment Working back through these layers and seeing how the inner processes were related to the outer images and how they changed over time requires stillness, quietness, patience, and allowing one to drift back and forth through time and in and out of experiences. Journalizing can help because, as one era of your life emerges, you write it out and it stays as a point of reference you do not lose as you immerse yourself again and again to recover the eras, changes, and development of layers and the splitting of the public and private self in successive relationships and life situations. Hi Parental Influence Hi Teen Peer Influence Hi Employer/Work Cohort/Opposite Gender Influence

8. ed young. PhD 80 The Process of Developing the Chasm Between the Public Persona and the Private Self and Its Affect on Criteria for Fulfillment The Development Of The Secondary Implicit Other System And The Transition From Childhood To Adolescence Understanding Social Cannibalism of the Early Teen Years and the Life Cycle of Aggression and Picking on People Insecurity and Loss of Authenticity and Spontaneity In Peer Groups Dating As a Rite of Passage Requires Making a Transition From Parents to Peers and Involves Adventuring Outside the Home and Experimenting With Mate Selection. This Is a High Stress Period for Adolescents and Young Adults. The Lonely Little Boy Disguised and Buried Deep Inside the Tough, Macho Exterior. The Lonely Little Girl Is Buried and Hiding Behind a Femme Fatale Image A Schematization of the Public Versus Private Self to Aid in Differentiating the Evolution of Criteria for Fulfillment

9. ed young. PhD 81 THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE SECONDARY IMPLICIT OTHER SYSTEM AND THE TRANSITION FROM CHILDHOOD TO ADOLESCENCE 1. A SECONDARY IMPLICIT OTHER SYSTEM BEGINS TO DEVELOP IN ADOLESCENCE CONSISTENT WITH THE PRIVATE SUPPRESSED SELF 2. TRANSITION TO THE SECONDARY IMPLICIT OTHER SYSTEM AND THE PROCESS OF EMOTIONAL EMANCIPATION 3. PEER COMPARISONS SHAPE THE SECONDARY IMPLICIT OTHER 4. EVENTUALLY THE SECONDARY IMPLICIT OTHER SYSTEM CO- DEVELOPS THE CHILD’S SELF IMAGE

10. ed young. PhD 82 o r j c P o e titi n R e a l W o r l d The way the world appears as seen through the lens of the Implicit Others and can not be the way The world is just like my parents. I can not be the way I want to be with my parents I want to be in the adult world. They are the enemy. They are all so stuffy and negative. They see everything as being dangerous, bad, crazy, irresponsible and stupid. But they are the ones that are stupid. But what about those other teenagers over there, my peers? Maybe we can avoid that alien world and find a secret place where we can be ourselves. where I can They are That’s the group be myself. just like me! Now PEER PRESSURE OK.. What do they think of me? Lens of Implicit Other Peer Group or Gang Hey, let’s do our own thing. Let’s have a party and throw off their harness, be free, and have a blast! A SECONDARY IMPLICIT OTHER SYSTEM BEGINS TO DEVELOP IN ADOLESCENCE CONSISTENT WITH THE PRIVATE SUPPRESSED SELF

11. ed young. PhD 83 P A R E N T S WHICH PEERS, AS SECONDARY IMPLICIT OTHER SYSTEM, BEGIN TO BECOME THE LENS THROUGH PARENTS ARE NOW SEEN AND JUDGED. I’m taking a step toward emancipation, toward being my own separate individual self, being emotionally independent, using and having confidence in my own judgment, venturing out into the world to establish my own place in the world. Shifting alliance to my Peers is one of the main ways to help me accomplish this. But I still need my parents even while I am separating from them. THE INTERACTION BETWEEN PEER RELATIONSHIPS AND THE CHILD’S EVOLVING SELF SYSTEM TRANSITION TO THE SECONDARY IMPLICIT OTHER SYSTEM AND THE PROCESS OF EMOTIONAL EMANCIPATION

12. ed young. PhD 84 Now each peer in the peer group begins to be judged by BOTH Implicit Other Systems. This becomes very confusing and very stressful. P A R E N T S Other implicit Peer Implicit Other Secondary System EVENTUALLY THE SECONDARY IMPLICIT OTHER SYSTEM CO-DEVELOPS THE ADOLESCENT’S SELF IMAGE

13. ed young. PhD 85 Understanding Social Cannibalism of the Early Teen Years and the Life Cycle of Aggression and Picking on People 5. Causes of Social Cannibalism 2. 1. 4. 3. 7. 6. 7. Child becomes a parent and repeats physical punishment, abuse, picking on, suppressing hostile come backs, and attacking behavior that is different. Development of Social Cannibalism Over Time 1. Parent abusively punishes or picks on child for behavior that deviates from family cultural norms. 2. Child picks on smaller child 3. Child picks on child who is different 4. Child grows up and picks on smaller child 5. Child in early teens picks on similar other early teen for minor differences and vulnerabilities. 6. Child as late teen turns on age cohorts who are different.  Escalation of Insecurity when entering new phase of adolescent freedom of mobility and choices. Insecurity is transformed into paranoid suspicion, angry resentment, and invidious comparisons. They cluster is small groups of high similarity and pick on each other.  Being away from parental protection there comes a fear of older, upper classmen and strangers. Fear when cornered turns into explosive rage. Frightened, vulnerable kids in a group convert to aggression.  Physical punishment and abuse, feeling picked on at home, and suppression of hostility results in displacement of anger and resentment onto peers who are different or perceived as engaging in put downs or invidious comparisons.  Desire to make someone else ‘who is not intimidating’ suffer the same way child had to suffer. The initiation turnabout syndrome.  Dormant, incorporated parental modeling of abusive, punitive attacks on behavior that deviates from family cultural norms re-surges from the unconscious spontaneously, welcome or not, when roles are reversed and the child has become a parent.

14. ed young. PhD 86 Insecurity and Loss of Authenticity and Spontaneity In Peer Groups

15. ed young. PhD 87 Dating as a rite of passage requires making a transition from parents to peers and involves adventuring outside the home and experimenting with mate selection. This is a high stress period for adolescents and young adults. Mom and Dad Baby is strongly attached to parents as its whole world Child very gradually grows independent of parents Parents remain the world for the child but very gradually recede into the background Adolescencebegins with adventuring into the world. Inner child remains attached to and influenced by implicit parents. I m p l i c i t P a r e n t I m p l i c i t P a r e n t Late Adolescence: Begins to make transition from parents to same sex peers for support and guidance and opposite sex peers for affection, nurturance and dependency needs. With experience and comfort, sexual needs enter and make attachments extremely intense. Push-Pull of the transition from parents to peers of opposite gender involves varying degrees of difficulty Implicit parents, imbedded in the mind, exert a powerful influence on mate choices and courtship and sexual behavior. Unresolved conflicts with parents become flagrantly active in the early to middle, experimental, mating period.

16. ed young. PhD 88 The Lonely Little Boy Disguised and Buried Deep Inside the Tough, Macho Exterior. Boys growing into men learn to hide their sensitive, vulnerable feelings and especially their loneliness and desperate need to be loved and cared for. This tough exterior becomes a prison for the true inner feelings and needs. They do not understand why they try to aggressively seize someone and demand their unfailing love and devotion, or why their have a chronic sense of despair and fatalistic, stoical, endurance of unfulfilling drudgery. I’m not a sissy little boy! I’m a big tough man. Nothing can hurt me physically of emotionally. I need someone to love me, nurture me, take care of me, hug me, and protect me. Please somebody, I’m so, so lonely!

17. ed young. PhD 89 The Lonely Little Girl Is Buried and Hiding Behind a Femme Fatale Image I’m not vulnerable to you or needy for you. Well, maybe I am in need, but I’m not interested in you. So, don’t get your hopes up. I’m not available. I have plenty of men that are interested in me. Especially as far as you are concerned! I may need you and want you, but I’m sure not going to let you know that!! I need someone to love me, nurture me, take care of me, hug me, and protect me. Please somebody, I’m so, so lonely! Girls growing up learning to readily, but indirectly and subtly, provoke men’s interest in them, get men to pursue them, without tipping their hand that they themselves are interested in the man. They show their feelings and needs which enlists men’s support, protection, and rescue efforts. But they do not reveal their interest in and need for the particular man. Their strict control over their heart, their pretense of keeping their options open, leaves them with their inner need to be loved and cared for imprisoned. Their coquetry, feigned distress, exploitation, and attempts at control leaves them perpetually feeling alone and unsafe and feeling an aching despair and stoical, pretended independence. The little child in them is forever seeking reassurance and validation.

18. ed young. PhD 90 A Schematization of the Public Versus Private Self to Aid in Differentiating the Evolution of Criteria for Fulfillment  A GRAPHIC DEPICTION OF THE DIVIDED PERSONALITY Inhibited Inner Child WALL Situational Identity Socializing Situational Identity At Work Private Person SOCIAL ENVIRONMENT Inauthenticity Situational Identity At Home Authenticity: Requires exiling Implicit Others, recovering Inner Child, and letting true feelings, preferences, and competencies creatively assert themselves in the mature adult. Repressed Trauma Child Differences between Private Person and Public Personas in various contexts results from constellations of Implicit Others. PUBLIC PERSONAs

19. ed young. PhD 91 Using Journalizing and the Think-aloud Method to Find Alternatives to Self Defeating Patterns Perpetuated by Unconscious Criteria for Fulfillment –Altering Inappropriate and Self Defeating Criteria for Fulfillment. Personal criteria for fulfillment for some things may have originated early and persisted but become obsolete and inappropriate in later life. If you think of these as simply preferences, it might seem as though they could be easily changed. Personal criteria for fulfillment are deeper than this and more difficult to identify. They are more difficult to change because they are satisfying and fulfilling. It is difficult to grasp the fact that somewhat different, but more appropriate in your new situation, criteria can become at least as fulfilling. The challenge is to identify the former and then try a substitute or alternative. You may hear the child in you saying ‘but I don’t want to change, I don’t want to try something new.’ Trying practicing and really giving the alternative a chance can eventually lead to success, whereas sticking with the old will continue to lead to frustration. –When you practice, first clearly envision your new intention, what it will look like when realized, how you get there, how you overcome likely obstacles, and then scale down to the simplest version and first easy steps, perhaps even with a trusted friend. Then, begin to act, practice, practice. When you succeed in small steps, set slightly bigger steps. –Remember you are replacing an old entrenched pattern that you have come to associate with your identity as have others who know you. So, this is a major undertaking. With each trial write about the experience and your feelings.

20. ed young. PhD 92 Envisioning and Deciding to Set the Course of Your Life in Accord With Your Recovered Authentic Criteria and Newly Revised Criteria Remember working through the layers? At so many turning points in your life something dear to you was surrendered and something was substituted that was not personally fulfilling. Eventually you no longer knew who you were or what you wanted. Earlier intentions, preferences, and dreams were given up without being tried out. Now, recapturing them, as you begin to embrace them again and try them out, you may finally discover that they are not so satisfying after all. Each little criteria for fulfillment that finally meets the test of reality runs the risk of being a disappointment. The difference is you tried and now can discard what does not work for you. Each is like a miniature rendition of life as a whole. The little longings that are buried and keep resurfacing but never get the chance to come into play are like your quest for a meaningful life, a sense of significance in the way you live, your way of being in the world. When you set yourself free to recover those true personal criteria for fulfillment, to discard and revise, and to reach out for new, more deeply satisfying visions, goals, sense of meaning, and sense of your own destiny, a nervous exhilaration, a sense of the heightened awareness that comes with chosen adventure, a sense of being truly alive, a sense that whether you screw up or not, it is you, yours, you are being truly yourself, all seem to pervade your whole being. It takes time for all this to unfold. Journalizing is a way of chronicling so you don’t get lost again. Layers of Private Self Current, Operative Criteria for Fulfillment Earlier Criteria for Fulfillment Earliest Criteria for Fulfillment Earlier life visions or fantasies discarded or modified along the way. Return Home