1. Working with Difficult Leaders The Best Practice Institute Terry Real September 30, 2009

2. 1 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute Agenda :::::::::::::::::::: Intro Part 1 Tool #1 Tool #2 Part 2 Intro Tool #3 Tool #4 Case Pres. What makes a leader difficult? You The Relationship Grid as Diagnosis The Relationship Grid as Intervention Your client Understanding Grandiosity Using Leverage Joining Through the Truth A Rancher's Son

3. 2 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute The Relationship Grid™ Adapted from The New Rules of Marriage by Terry Real Boundaryless (pursuer) Walled Off (distancer) Shame (professional victim) Grandiosity (condescending personality) Indifferent "Passive-aggressive" "You're not worthy" Walled off and one up Controlling Angry Boundaryless and one up Resigned Withdrawn Depressed Walled off and one down Desperate Manipulative Boundaryless and one down Health

4. 3 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute The Relationship Grid™ in the Workplace Boundaryless (pursuer) Walled Off (evader Shame (professional victim) Grandiosity (condescending personality) Prone to SNUB others (snob) Walled off and one up Prone to being disrespectful Boundaryless and one up Health Prone to disengage Walled off and one down Prone to exaggerate facts/bend truth to achieve agenda Boundaryless and one down Adapted from The New Rules of Marriage by Terry Real

5. 4 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute Use of Grid What you need to do with yourself Identify where you are Bring yourself to the circle of health What you need to do with your client Empower them to do what you just did OPTIONAL

6. 5 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute People don't have problems They are problems

7. 6 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute Grandiosity vs. Shame Grandiosity impairs judgment Grandiosity feels good Therefore Not much lucidity Little motivation to change OPTIONAL

8. 7 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute Not Alliance – Leverage! "Goodwill" is a weak basis for change Leverage means You have something the client wants You stand between the client and negative consequences OPTIONAL

9. 8 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute Joining Through the Truth 2 parts Telling the truth Telling it in a way that joins to the person you're telling the truth to Most coaching is imbalanced There isn't enough truth being told, or It's "Flat Footed" – so it's not heard The art is telling the truth in a way that brings the person along with you 1 2

10. 9 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute Joining Through the Truth, continued … Help the client see what he's doing Always use specific data From reports From your own reactions

11. 10 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute Separate "I" of client and her grandiosity Grandiosity is oppressive "You are a decent person who's been behaving indecently" Help client develop an allergy to his or her own grandiosity Form an alliance with the best part of the client, a coalition against his grandiosity Joining Through the Truth, continued …

12. 11 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute A Rancher's Son Tools for Work with Grandiose Leaders Get their attention Leverage, negative consequences Separate person from obnoxious behavior Form a coalition with the mature leader against the grandiosity Help them see what they're doing Use specific data Shift affect Unearth Cognitive Distortion Their faulty relational map Give them concrete alternatives Show them what more relational words and actions would look like under these circumstance