1. 1 Prepared for UHS 2052 students at UTM By by Siti Rokiah Siwok, srsiwok@gmail.com

2. 2 What is “ Interpersonal Communication”?

3. Interpersonal Communication ■ Interpersonal communication happens when we interact with others ( Hybels and Weaver II, 2004) ■ Interpersonal communication is about creating and sharing meaning between persons in a relationship ( Seiler and Beall, 2008) ■ The above definition implies that interpersonal communication occurs between two or more people, can be casual, or private and reveals personal information. 3

4. Interpersonal communication can be… ■ A private discussion ■ A dyadic communication ■ An Interview ■ A small group communication ■ etc 4

5. Interpersonal communication ■ Occurs in a variety of context and situations and can be impersonal and superficial or personal and intimate, private or public, structured or highly structured. ■ Our interpersonal competencies likely differ not only from each other and from situation to situation. ■ Competent interpersonal communicator knows how to adjust and communicate effectively with a variety of people from diverse background to establish short or long term relationships, whether in person or via electronic media. 5

6. Interpersonal Relationships social associations connections affiliations between two or more people

7. Relationships ■ A relationship is any association between at least two people. ■ Relationships can be defined in variety of ways: –New, old, momentary etc –In terms level of intimacy –On the basis of roles –In terms of time spent together –In terms of situations 7

8. 8 Copyright © Allyn & Bacon 2008 Why do we have strong motivation and need to form relationships?

9. More to help us understand ourselves and others………… ■ We communicate to fulfill various needs. ■ As motivation affects our communication, understanding motivation and needs to form relationships helps us to create better communication and more meaningful relationships. ■ Our motivation to stay in relationships varies and at times cannot be fully understood. ■ Theories can help us to understand and make sense of things (Madison, 2005; Thomas, 2005) and give us patterns of meanings (Shank, 2006). 9

10. Uncertainty Reduction Theory ( URT) ■ This theory was developed by Charles Berger and Richard Calabrese. ■ URT suggests that when we meet others to whom we are attracted to, our need to know them tends to make us draw inferences initially from the physical data that we observe. ■ The urge to reduce our certainty about those individuals motivates us to know the person/s further, i.e to communicate with them. 10

11. 11 Uncertainty Reduction Theory ■ Entry phase ■ Personal phase ■ Exit phase

12. URT : The entry phase ■ The entry stage of relational development is characterized by the use of behavioral norms. The contents of the exchanges are often demographic and transactional. Common initial questions are: Where are you from? Or, Do you have any pets? The level of involvement will increase as the strangers move into the second stage (Berger & Calabrese, 99–100). ■ We also learn information that is easily observed such as physical appearance, height and skin colour. ■ The level of involvement will increase as the strangers move into the second stage (Berger & Calabrese, 1975 pp 99–100). 12

13. URT : The personal phase ■ The second stage, or personal phase, is when strangers begin to explore the attitudes and beliefs of the other. Typically, this stage is entered after the strangers have had several entry stage interactions. ■ One will probe the other for indications of their values, morals and personal issues. Emotional involvement tends to increase as disclosures are made (Berger & Calabrese, 1975, pg 100). 13

14. URT : The exit phase ■ The final stage of interactional development is the exit phase. Here, the former strangers decided if they want to continue to develop a relationship. Any plans for the future are made/decided. If there is not mutual liking, either can choose not to pursue a relationship (Berger & Calabrese, 100). ■ Understanding the cycle of relational development is key to studying how people seek to reduce uncertainty about others. 14

15. Social Exchange Theory ■ More likely than not, we enter into a relationship because we believe there would be benefits for us. ■ Example: u date someone, hoping to receive companionship, affection and love. ■ This theory ( SET) was formulated by John W. Thibaut and Harold H. Kelly. 15

16. Social Exchange Theory ■ Social Exchange theory explains how we feel about a relationship with another person as depending on our perceptions of: o The balance between what we put into the relationship and what we get out of it. o The kind of relationship we deserve. o The chances of having a better relationship with someone else. 16

17. Social Exchange Theory ■ Benefits ■ Costs

18. Social Exchange Theory ■ Benefits are anything that it perceived to improve our self-interest; those things which brings us pleasure, satisfaction or gratification. ■ Prestige, economic gain ( saving money ) and fulfillment of emotional needs are all considered benefits. ■ Costs are any negative things or behaviours that we perceive to be not beneficial to our self interest. For example, to enter into or maintain a relationship, time, physical and emotional energy and the economic costs has to be considered. 18

19. Social Exchange Theory ■ The essence of SET is that people are motivated to enter into or maintain relationships in terms of benefits and costs. ■ In deciding what is fair, we develop a comparison level against which we compare the give/take ratio. This level will vary between relationships, with some being more giving and others where we get more from the relationship. ■ If a relationship is healthy and satisfying, there is equity or “equality between benefits and costs”. 19

20. Fundamental Interpersonal Relations Orientation Theory (FIRO) ■ Fundamental Interpersonal Relations Orientation (FIRO) is a theory of interpersonal relations, introduced by William Shutz in 1958. ■ This theory mainly explains the interpersonal underworld of a small group. ■ The theory is based on the belief that when people get together in a group, there are three main interpersonal needs they are looking to obtain – affection,inclusion and control. 20

21. 21 Copyright © Allyn & Bacon 2008 Fundamental Interpersonal Relations Orientation Theory (FIRO) Three interpersonal needs: ■ Affection ■ Inclusion ■ Control

22. FIRO: The need for affection ■ The need for affection is the need to feel likeable or lovable. ■ People join groups or any services ( such as dating services) are seeking to fulfill their need for belonging and love. ■ According to this theory, a person who seem to be liked by many and therefore has his/her need for affection fulfilled is referred to as personal. ■ On the other hand, someone who has not had his/her need for affection fulfilled is referred to as underpersonal or overpersonal. 22

23. FIRO : The Need for Affection ■ Underpersonal people avoid emotional commitments or involvement with others. ■ Often they are hiding their true selves because they fear that others will not like them as they are. ■ Like other human beings, underpersonal people have a need for affection but have learned to cover it by not letting others get close to them. Why? 23

24. FIRO : The Need for Affection ■ Overpersonal people are the opposite of underpersonals. ■ To get their need for affection, they go to the extremes to ensure acceptance by others. ■ They seek approval by being extremely intimate in what they communicate. ■ These individuals can be possessive or jealous when others talk to their friends or partners. 24

25. FIRO : The Need for Affection ■ Personal people are the “balanced” persons; tend to be poise, confident, mature and able to deal with almost everyone with whom they are in contact with. ■ Personal people are well liked but do not consider being liked by everyone as the essential ingredient for their happiness ■ Other characteristics: easy to talk with and at ease with themselves. 25

26. FIRO : The Need for Inclusion ■ The need for inclusion encompass the needs to feel significant and worthwhile. ■ Shutz describes people for this need as social, undersocial and oversocial. ■ Undersocial people do not like being around with people and find communicating with people as threatening. ■ Undersocial people usually finds it difficult to speak out and generally avoids saying anything for fear to draw attention to themselves. 26

27. FIRO : The Need for Inclusion ■ Oversocial people is the opposite of undersocial people. ■ Oversocial people seem to cannot stop being involved with people and communicating with others; tend to dominate conversations, usually speak out of turn, and find it hard to keep quiet. ■ Oversocial people prefer situations in which they can dominate the flow of communication. Why? 27

28. FIRO: The Need for Control ■ This is the 3 rd need in FIRO. ■ Almost all of us has the need to control others and our environment. ■ But, some individuals wish to be controlled by others; hence we are either abdicrats, autocrats or democrats. ■ Abdicrats are extremely submissive to others; have little or no self confidence, perceive themselves as incompetent, take few risks, rarely make decisions on their own and need lots of support and reinforcement in believing themselves. 28

29. FIRO: The Need for Control ■ Autocrats are always controlling. ■ They make decisions and voice strong opinions. ■ As their needs for power are strong, they do not care whom they hurt in their search for control. ■ They show little respect for others. ■ Democrats are…………. 29

30. FIRO: The Need for Control ■ Democrats are people with their needs for control satisfied. ■ They are comfortable as either leaders or followers, no exaggeration in either the leader or follower roles, open minded and willing to accept other people’s suggestions for the good of the group. ■ Get things done but not at the expense of other people. 30

31. Copyright © Allyn & Bacon 2008 31 Relationships: Getting to Know Others and Ourselves

32. 32 Copyright © Allyn & Bacon 2008 How do we get to know others? ■ Face-to-face relationships ■ On-line relationships

33. 33 Learning about others through face-to-face relationships

34. 34 Face-to-Face Relationships: What role does small talk play?

35. Beginning conversations: the importance of small talk ■ A “small talk” is a way to start conversation. ■ A ‘small talk” is a casual conversation which includes exchange of hellos, whether etc and trivia(Seiler and Beall, 2008) ■ A small talk is a social conversation about unimportant topics which allows people to maintain contact without making a deep commitment (Hybels and Weaver II, 2004). ■ There are many ways of doing small talks and sholars 35

36. 36 Copyright © Allyn & Bacon 2008 Face-to-Face Relationships: Roles of small talk ■ Nonthreatening, impersonal ■ Get to know another person ■ Maintain community ■ Interpersonal buffer

37. The importance of small talk ■ Some people think that small talk is a waste of time, but being able to connect with others through small talk can lead to big things ( Debra Fine in The Fine Art of Small Talk) ■ “Every conversation is an opportunity for success” ( Debra Fine) ■ Many people do not realize the importance of the relationship in small talk, forget about the context and the non-verbal clues. 37

38. 38 Copyright © Allyn & Bacon 2008 Effective Small talk –Repeatedly use other person’s name –Eye contact with balance and comfort –Get other person to talk about himself/herself –Keep conversation casual and positive –Be confident and listen carefully –Keep up with current events –Know when and how to end conversation

39. 39 Copyright © Allyn & Bacon 2008 Connecting with Others Online ■ Pros and cons? ■ Limitations?

40. 40 Interactions via technology can never replace face-to-face or fulfill interpersonal needs.

41. 41 Self- disclosure

42. Roles of self-disclosure in relationships ■ Relationship are built on interactions. ■ The more sincere, honest and open the interactions, the more lasting the relationship is likely to be. ■ To make relationship closer, we do self-disclosure. ■ Self-disclosure is the voluntary sharing of information that the other person is not likely to know. ■ Self disclosure can range from simple to complex. 42

43. 43 Copyright © Allyn & Bacon 2008 Roles of self-disclosure in relationships Self-Disclosure : –is not readily observable by others –helps reduce uncertainty –increases when it is positively received –often is reciprocal –When used in caring relationships, usually results in greater self- understanding and self-improvement

44. Copyright © Allyn & Bacon 2008 44 The Johari Window depicts the different levels of self-disclosure.

45. Johari Window ■ A Johari window is a cognitive psychological tool created by Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham in 1955 in the United States, used to help people better understand their interpersonal communication and relationships. It is used primarily in self-help groups and corporate settings as a heuristic exercise.cognitive psychologicalJoseph LuftHarry Ingham communicationrelationshipsself-helpheuristic 45

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49. 49 Social Penetration in a Casual and an Intimate Relationship Breadth  Depth Casual Relationship Intimate Relationship

50. Tips for beginning conversations 1. Use the other person’s name as much as possible. 2. Use eye contact appropriately 3. Get the other person to talk about himself/herself 4. Keep it light, casual and positive 5. Be confident and pay attention to what is being said. 6. Keep up-to-date with the current news 7. Use small talk to reduce uncertainty between you and the others. 8. Know when and how to end the conversation. 50

51. More tips ( by Diana Booher, 1996) ■ Introduce yourself in a way that facilitate a way for the other person to respond. ■ Give the other party a way to remember your name ■ Personalise your greetings or “opening lines” ■ End your conversations gracefully and with a “ 51

52. 52 Copyright © Allyn & Bacon 2008 Why do we self-disclose? ■ Self-presentation ■ Relationship building ■ Catharsis

53. Copyright © Allyn & Bacon 2008 53 When Shouldn’t We Self- Disclose Too Much?

54. 54 Self-Disclosure, Privacy, and Gender ■ When does self-disclosure invade our privacy? ■ Privacy boundaries should be made clear. ■ How does gender affect patterns of self- disclosure?

55. 55 Cultural Issues in Self-Disclosure ■ How does cultural background impact self- disclosure? ■ How does recognition of cultural differences in self-disclosure enhance communication?

56. Self-Disclosure and Rhetorical Sensitivity ■ Used when self-disclosure is not appropriate ■ Rhetorically sensitive people are: –accepting of personal complexity –flexible –communicate values in a non-offensive way –know when and when not to communicate –use gender-inclusive nonsexist language

57. 57 Copyright © Allyn & Bacon 2008 Appropriate Self-Disclosure ■ Use reasoned self-disclosure ■ Make self-disclosure a two-way process ■ Make it appropriate to the situation and the person ■ Consider diversity and culture

58. 58 Emotional Intelligence

59. Also ……….. ■ To be successful in interpersonal communication, we need emotional intelligence ( EQ) ■ Simply put, emotional intelligence( Goleman, 1995), is the ability to understand and get along with others. 59

60. EQ ■ Goleman (1995) identified the five 'domains' of EQ as: 1.Knowing your emotions. 2.Managing your own emotions. 3.Motivating yourself. 4.Recognising and understanding other people's emotions. 5.Managing relationships 60

61. Knowing your emotions: Self-awareness ■ We have to be able to deal with our emotions first before we can deal with the emotions of others. We need to have self-awareness. ■ Self-awareness is to be aware of our own feelings and what we are going through. We are able to stand with a little distance and examine our situation, without being overwhelmed. ■ Self awareness does not mean denial of our feelings etc ■ Self- awareness helps us to make appropriate responses in any given situation. 61

62. Managing own emotions ■ By managing own emotions we can express own emotions appropriate to the circumstances. ■ Managing emotions may not come easily as emotions may be seated not in our consciousness ■ Emotions such as anger or anxiety are difficult to manage. ■ Managing our emotions does not mean suppressing them or denying their presence. It is about managing them. 62

63. Motivating Yourself 63 ■ Part of motivating yourself is setting to reach a goal and disciplining yourself to do what you have to do to achieve the goal. ■ A lot is to do with resisting impulses. ■ Other influences on motivation is positive thinking and optimism. ■ There are various theories related to motivation and need to form relationships.

64. Recognising and understanding other people’s emotions ■ Recognising and understanding other people’s emotions is important in relationships. ■ Pity, sympathy and empathy: which is the best in relationships? 64

65. Empathic listening ■ Emphatic listening occurs when we listen to what someone else is experiencing and seek to understand that person’s thought and feelings. ■ When we emphatise, we try to put ourselves in the other person’s place so as to understand what is happening to him or her. 65

66. Recognising and understanding other people’s emotions ■ Empathy is the extent to which we can sit in somebody else’s place, sees what s/he sees and taste what s/he tastes. ■ With empathy we can reach out and help others and it is very therapeutic for any relationship. 66

67. Managing Relationships ■ People who can manage relationships are usually positive, energetic and make other people feel positive too. ■ Other characteristics are : popular with people as they can “connect” and empathise, have a sense of balance, recognise their own needs and get them fulfilled etc. 67

68. 68 Assertiveness: An essential quality needed in successful Interpersonal Communication/Relationship

69. Please write a One Sentence Definition of A S S E R T I V E N E S S. What is assertiveness?

70. Definition of Assertiveness An honest, direct, and appropriate expression of one's feelings, thoughts, and beliefs.

71. Test Your Assertiveness (1 of 3)  Can you express negative feelings about other people and their behaviors without using abusive language?  Are you able to exercise and express your strengths?  Can you easily recognize and compliment other people’s achievements?

72. Test Your Assertiveness (2 of 3)  Do you have the confidence to ask for what is rightfully yours?  Can you accept criticism without being defensive?  Do you feel comfortable accepting compliments?  Are you able to stand up for your rights?

73. Test Your Assertiveness (3 of 3)  Are you able to refuse unreasonable requests from friends, family, or co- workers?  Can you comfortably start and carry on a conversation with others?  Do you ask for assistance when you need it ? A “yes” response to the questions indicates an assertive approach.

74. Why Assertiveness Is Important ?  Effective communication brings about the achievement of individual and/or shared goals.  Assertiveness increases your ability to reach these goals while maintaining your rights and dignity.

75. The Myths About Assertiveness  Other people’s feelings and rights are more important than yours.  You are not important enough to express your feelings and rights.  You will offend other people by being assertive.

76. Assertive Rights  You have the right to be assertive.  You have the right to request that others change their behavior if they are infringing on your rights.  You have the right to use your own time to answer questions.  You have the right to express your needs even if they are illogical.  Be aware that there are responsibilities attached to all these rights!

77. Remember ë You do not live in isolation. ë Your actions impact everyone. ë You are in control of your behavior. ë Your response to a situation must be guided by ascertaining your rights and responsibilities and following through.

78. What’s Keeping You From Being Assertive? ë Fear of change. ë Refusal to admit their submissiveness. ë Fear of ruining relationships if you speak your mind. ë Lack confidence in your ability.

79. A Caution While assertiveness is a key factor in enhancing quality of work life, group dynamics, and interpersonal climate, it is not always appropriate. Q Q: How can you tell? A A: Tailor your response to the situation.

80. Wise Words Ask yourself: 1. How important is being assertive in this particular situation? 2. What will you think of yourself if you are not assertive now? 3. What are the consequences of assertive behavior? 4. Do the costs of this behavior outweigh the benefits?

81. In a nutshell: Assertiveness Is….  Respect for yourself and others.  Honestly expressing your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.  Effectively influencing, listening, and negotiating with others.

82. What Assertiveness Is Not  It is important to remember that assertiveness is not aggressiveness or selfishness.  Being assertive does not involve humiliating or abusing other people and their rights.  Being assertive does not mean violating the rights of others or gaining at the expense of some one else’s loss.

83. 83 More on assertiveness….

84. Four Steps To Saying “No” (1 of 2) 1.Listen to the request - Make sure you understand the request completely before coming to a hasty conclusion. Ask questions if you need any clarification. 2.Say no immediately - You do not need to justify your decision. If you start doing so, you will be prolonging the conversation unnecessarily.

85. Four Steps To Saying “No” (2 of 2) 3.Give a reason for your refusal – Without giving a reason, you may come off as uncooperative or hostile. A clear and honest reason will be sufficient, you do not need to argue with the other party. 4.Offer to find an alternative – Let the other party know that you will try to help them but you are unable to perform the entire request.

86. Use “I” Statements (1 of 4) Three Parts: 3.Feelings 2.Effect 1.Behavior

87. Use “I” Statements (2 of 4) Three Parts: What it is exactly, that the other person has done or is doing. 1.Behavior

88. Use “I” Statements (3 of 4): Three Parts: 2.Effect What it happening because of their behavior.

89. Use “I” Statements (4 of 4): Three Parts: 3.Feelings What effect does their behavior have on your feelings?

90. Letting Other People Know How You Feel 4While remaining cool and collected, try to explain your point of view. 4Use terms like “I feel” and “I think” rather than “It should be” or “It must.”

91. Making Assertive Statements  Describe your wants, needs and intentions to other people.  Use terms like “I want,” “I need,” and “I plan to.” 91

92. Communicate Assertively/ Skills * Empathetic Assertion. * Simple Assertion. * Self-Disclosure. * Workable Compromise.  Broken Record.  Fogging.  Free Information.  Negative Assertion.

93. More Tips  Communicating a request for change to another person is probably one of the hardest tasks for the newly assertive person.  Using the following technique may help someone get through those first tough spots when it comes to difficult situations.

94. Requesting Change From Someone Else 1. Describe the situation. 2. Express your feelings on the subject. 3. Request a behavior change. 4. State the positive consequences of changed behavior. Use this template as your guide when dealing with sticky situations.

95. The Criteria of Requesting Change The method you use to request change from someone else should include the following six criteria. o A good chance that the person you are requesting change from will change. oYou will not be-little other people’s self-esteem. oYou will not violate the rights of others.

96. The Criteria of Requesting Change oYou will not damage your relationship with the person you are requesting change from. o You will not be defensive. oYou will not lessen the motivation of the other person.

97. Don’t Get Mad...  Anger may seem like a quick fix, but it will get you nowhere fast.  Yelling until you are blue in the face will only come back to haunt you later.

98. Assertiveness is More Than Courage

99. Assertiveness is Also About Setting limits. Expressing your feelings.

100. “No” is Not a Dirty Word Remember:  You are not saying “no” to the whole person, but only to part of the relationship which makes you feel uncomfortable.  “No” does not require an explanation.

101. Use good communication to transmit your requests and feelings. Don’t Go Down the Passive or Aggressive Road Passive Assertive Aggressive Passive Assertive Aggressive

102. 102 If you are not assertive, you may be aggressive or passive

103. Aggressiveness Is….  Inappropriately expressing your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a way that violates other people’s rights.  Achieving your goal by not allowing others the freedom to choose.  Completely disrespecting others whether it be in an active or passive method.

104. Are You Aggressive? (1 of 2)  Do you become abusive, whether it be verbal or physical, when criticizing others?  Do you purposely make others feel like they are incompetent or unimportant?  Do you make unreasonable demands of other people? A “yes” answer to any of the questions may indicate aggressive behavior.

105. Are You Aggressive? (2 of 2)  Do you brag or exaggerate your achievements?  Do you ignore the rights and feelings of other people?  Do you aim to get your way at all costs?  Do you often dominate conversations with others?

106. Passiveness Is……..  Permitting others to take advantage of you by violating your rights.  Thinking that you and your needs are inferior to others and their needs.

107. Are You Unassertive? (1 of 2)  Do you feel guilty standing up for your fights or expressing your feelings?  Are you unable to recognize and acknowledge your strengths?  Are you uncomfortable with starting or carrying on a conversation?  Do you rarely stand up for yourself?

108. Are You Passive? (2 of 2)  Do you have trouble saying “no” to people?  Are you unable to ask other people to perform reasonable requests for you?  Do you feel that you let other people take advantage of you? A “yes” answer to any of the questions may indicate unassertive behavior.

109. Passive Passive people usually:  Speak softly and hesitantly.  Use fillers like “uh” and “um.”  Avoid eye contact.  Allow other people in their personal space.

110. Should I Use Force? Passiveness is clearly not conducive to ascertaining your personal rights, but you don’t need to go to the other extreme to be assertive. You don’t have to be forceful to be assertive. Soft-spoken people can be assertive too! There is no one way to be assertive correctly, but there are things to avoid.

111. An Aggressive Person t Raise their voices when they lose control. t Shout and use accusatory language like “You should ” and “You must.” t Stare people down and may invade other people’s personal space physically. Infringes on others’ rights, using fear and intimidation to get what he or she wants. Aggressive people often:

112. An Assertive Person Assertive people usually: Asserts his or her own rights in a positive, open, honest, and self-confident manner. H Speak calmly and confidently. H Notify other people of their feelings with statements starting with “I think” and “I feel.” H Maintain eye contact, have good posture and are poised and in control.

113. Several Tips  Be cognizant of your expression.  Do not act hastily or in anger.  Remain calm, cool, courteous & collected.  Avoid making mountains out of molehills. Following these simple suggestions will present you as someone who is confident & optimistic -- as opposed to someone who is hostile and angry.

114. Developing to Your Full Assertive Potential è Inside everyone, there’s an assertive person trying to get out. è What’s keeping you back?

115. 115 The various purpose of interpersonal communication

116. Various purpose of interpersonal communication ■ Among them : –Socialisation –Catharsis 116

117. 117 What do we need to do to be competent at interpersonal communication?

118. References: ■ Seiler, W. J and Beall, M. L ( 2008, 2011). Communication. Making Connections ( 7 th & 8 th ed). Boston: Pearson ■ Goleman,D. ( 1995). Emotional Intelligence. New York : Bantam. ■ Hybels, S., and Weaver II, R. L ( 2004). Communcating Effectively ( 7 th ed). Boston: Mc Graw Hill ■ Verdeber, R. F. and Verderber, K.S ( 2005).Communicate( 11 th ed). CA: Thomson/Wadsworth ■ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johari_window 118

119. References: ■ http://www.businessballs.com/eq.htm http://www.businessballs.com/eq.htm ■ http://changingminds.org/explanations/theories/social_ex change.htm ■ Shank, G. D. ( 2006). Qualitative Research. A Personal Skills Approach (2nd ed.). New Jersey: Prentice Hall. ■ Thomas, R. M. (2005). Comparing Theories of Child Development (6 th ed.). Belmont, CA: Thomson ■ http://dictionary.sensagent.com/fundamental+interperson al+relations+orientation/en-en/ 119